Life Updates

1) The cat is officially radioactive. More to come on this (wait until I tell you about the stockpile of used litter in our garage!), but suffice it to say that the cat is unhappy, we are unhappy, and one of us is regretting persuading our spouse that this is the best course of action, gold-standard of treatment be damned.

2) Yes, the dog still has diarrhea. No, I don't want to talk about it. 

3) COVID kicked my ass and I still feel pretty crummy. No, I don't want to talk about this, either. There have been some moments of marital disharmony surrounding this and while I don't want to talk about marital disharmony, I do want to say that when someone takes over my chores for three days and then complains that it is an "unsustainable way to live," I might argue that the patriarchy has really won. I have a full-time job AND do these chores EVERY DAY of the YEAR. 

4) There's family stuff. There always is. My mom is doing really well and that's the great news. The bad news is that this election is really a problem for my relationships with a lot of family members and the holiday card list is getting smaller and smaller. I am staying up at night worrying about this election and I see bad things no matter how things turn out. 

5) I mean, the election is what it is. If you are a US citizen and have not already voted or made a plan to vote tomorrow, what are you waiting for? It's literally the fate of the democratic world (and, honestly, if you want to get started thinking about nuclear war, the entire world) at stake. Because of my husband's work, this election has added even more stress to what is a stressful time. 

6) I don't want to end this on a downer with nuclear war and stress. It was my one-year anniversary at my job last week. That's cool, right? I love my job, my co-workers are great, and I'm going to go to work late tomorrow because I am going to vote. 

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What's new in your world? Any radioactive pets? 

Thursday Things

1. I really left you guys on a cliffhanger last week. The software did not get fixed, we had to manually register students. Honestly, I found the whole day exhilarating. I was useful. I was cheerful. The students were so nice and they had NO IDEA this wasn't completely normal. At one point, my boss just pointed at me and said "NGS will fix it" and I DID FIX IT. 

2. Let's talk about some of the hard stuff. I had a roommate in grad school who said you should always think of your life as a pie and when things are working in one area of the pie, they're not working in another. Ideally, your pie would be just equal slices, but it never is. Let's say my pie currently has five things: Housing, Work, Money, Loved Ones (Human), Pets. In an ideal world, everything would be 20%. Right now, my pie looks like this:

a. My mom's situation is actually pretty good right now, but she has colon cancer and she's going to die. My sister and I still aren't really talking.

b. Dr. BB is not rebounding back from his rhabdo diagnosis. He is getting better, but he's pretty frustrated about not being strong enough to do certain things and that it's taking him so long to be able to resume what are normal activities for him. 

c. Dr. BB's grandmother died last week. She was 102-years-old and it wasn't entirely unexpected, but the communication around the situation only made us all the more aware of the fact that the phone tree has been neglected since Dr. BB's mother died in 2017. 

d. There's stuff going on with my own health. I have a perfectly innocuous lipoma (a fatty lump) below my right bra line. I've had it for about a decade. Well, it was innocuous until last weekend when I aggravated it somehow (maybe with a sports bra?) and now it's red and inflamed and seems to have doubled in size through swelling and it fucking hurts, so I'm sitting and standing weird to avoid it, but that's making my back hurt and my SIL the doctor looked at it and said it was fine, but it's in a tough spot because you should probably just wear loose clothing, but it's literally under my bra line and I am not a lady who can go without a bra. ANYWAY. There's that and some other stuff. Also, Dr. BB's brother tested positive for COVID right after the funeral on Monday after we'd spent a lot of time with him in close contact at the church, so now I want you to picture me wearing masks in my office like it's 2021. 

I've been struggling with a lot about this, but look, it's all life and I'm going to be fine and Dr. BB's going to be fine. This will not last forever and someday, probably real soon, those numbers on the pie will be different and I'll be fretting about something else. 

3. Work is sort of insane right now. I love it, honestly, I do. But all the last minute stuff is coming up and I have a college retreat all morning and then back to back to back meetings with students who need to repeat courses and I still have not yet published my courses to the LMS. And yesterday a brand new course was handed to me and the LMS page is a whole lot of nothing. And the kicker is that we're going to be out of town all weekend so if it doesn't get done by the end of the day today, it's not getting done. What are the odds of my success, friends?

4. But look! I have cute pets. 

That's all. I'm sorry this was so depressing. Things are FINE. Things will be FINE. My life is currently one big mess, but it's going to be FINE. In three weeks, this will all be a thing of the past. 

How are the slices of your life pie? Please feel free to complain in the comments!

4.12 Complaint - I Can't Fix This

Bestest Friend and I are doing a blog project. Each day we will write a blog post on a pre-determined theme chosen by a random noun generator. The theme for the twelfth day of the month is "Complaint."

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I've mentioned repeatedly in this space that if something bothers me every day, I try to fix it. There are, unfortunately, some things I can't fix, either because I don't have the resources or it's just absolutely out of my control. This is one of those things.

I use disposable contacts. I don't wear them every day. Yes, I am wracked with guilt over the waste. No, I don't get mad when I can wear them for more than two hours. 

My complaint is that they come in rows of five. FIVE. I am lucky because both of my eyes use the same strength contact lens. I have TWO eyes. These things do not match up and I'm forever dealing with stray packages of one contact in our medicine cabinet. 

I find this packaging to be inconvenient and annoying and there's nothing I can do about it.

What pesky packaging annoys you?

Things Are Bad, but Maybe Better?

There is not good news on the job front, my friends. I was so excited about that job prospect, but last week (on my birthday!!), I saw that I had missed a call from the people who were checking my references and it turns out that they went with another candidate. I was devastated, spent most of the day crying, and ate all my feelings with a birthday dinner of sushi that felt a little bit like a consolation prize. 

So then there was an emergency meeting earlier today in which it turns out that (for all of the reasons I have been looking for a job) the organization that has been funding our program is going to pull our funding. There may be a month or two of winddown, but basically I will not have this job soon.

The silver lining is that now I can use my current co-workers as references without any reservations. It also means that I can let them know I'm job searching and at least one or two of them will be really good sources for leads. It also means that all the stress I've been holding about this job is basically gone because we know we're ending the program.

Dr. BB and I have also crunched the numbers and we can make it work if I don't have a job for a bit. I'm also more open to the idea of a part-time job than I was before all this went down. So that opens up some possibilities, as well. Also, and this is really crucial, when I'm not SO STRESSED about this dumb job, I think I'll be able to concentrate more on the job search and find something that suits my skills and my desires for paid employment. And maybe I'll laugh more. 

But I've been putting off writing about this here because I was so optimistic last week about that job and I felt like such an utter failure that the same day I posted about this job that I really wanted, they called me to tell me that I didn't get it. I couldn't even bear looking at my own page because all I could see was my hubris and sadness. It felt like the same emotional whiplash from November 8, 2016 to November 9, 2016. I want last Tuesday's post to disappear off the homepage, so I never have to be reminded of it. And the only way to get that to happen is to post more, I guess.  

(My husband and I have a debate about this. I tend to get really excited about things in advance, like for a trip or a concert or when the first snowflakes fall or whatever.  So, even if things don't turn out awesome, I still had that excitement of anticipation. My husband, on the other hand, stays pretty level in the leadup to things and then if they go well, he's pleasantly surprised, but never let down. I think he's missing out on a lot of joy, to be honest, but in situations like this, I think he's right to have the ability to moderate his emotions and I wish I could be like him.)

Anyway, this could be a good thing. I think it's going to be a good thing.  (But I've obviously been wrong about that before.)

When to Make the Call

I generally thinking having pets in our house makes for a happier place. They are funny and force us to think about something other than ourselves. I never feel lonely because they are around and their fuzzy faces bring me a great deal of comfort. But sometimes it is so stressful.

This morning we woke up to Hannah the Dog whining every time she turned her rear end. I took her outside briefly, got her some breakfast and pain medication, and then she just leaned on me with most of her body weight, refusing to lay down. It's times like this when I don't know what to do. How do I comfort her and let her know we're doing the best we can?  

But then there are the questions - are we doing the best we can? Should she be on a constant regimen of pain killers? Is this the dreaded "change in behavior" that means we should call the vet right now?  There's no reason for the pain - we have her on modified bedrest, so she's only walking around the block three times a day right now and each trip around the block is only a quarter of a mile. She's literally not doing anything else since we've also basically stopped training her because it seemed like even sitting and shaking was causing her discomfort. For a dog her age, this is nothing, but she seems to be in so much pain right now that we're giving her painkillers every day. Should she be getting less exercise? More?  I don't know, my friends. I say I'm doing the best I can, but am I?

And then there's Zelda the Cat. She has started to become a Cuddly Cat. Zelda has always been a cat who is willing to cuddle on her own terms. If one of us is laying down quietly, she's more than happy to come up on our laps, but generally she's like a knickknack that moves about the house. However, these days, she's become clingy. If Dr. BB is reading at the table, she's meowing at him. If I'm working on my laptop, she's putting her paw on me to request pets. Her eating habits and litter box output haven't changed, but her behavior is slightly different. Is it because it's winter and she's cold? Is she secretly telling us she's sick? Is it worth a call to the vet? Imagine that conversation - so, my cat is demanding attention - is she okay? Cats demand attention. It's what they do. But now she's doing it slightly differently. Should I be worried?  

These micro-decisions. For those of you who have children, I have nothing but respect. I don't know how you make it through birth (epidural or no? circumcision or no?), let alone all the tiny decisions you have to make about the day-to-day life of a child. I am going crazy wondering if I am doing something wrong by not placing a call to a veterinarian and you all are out there raising up the next generation and you seem to be doing it with aplomb.

It is becoming clear to me that while I am doing my absolute best to stay on top of my SAD, it is really getting to me right now. I have constant anxiety (about my job, about the pets, about weather, about family, about everything). I am doing all the things - taking vitamin D, using a SAD lamp, walking outdoors in the daylight - but I guess this is how it's going to for the next month or so.  Hopefully I will snap out of this and return to normal soon. Everything just seems so oppressive and hard right now.

In the meantime, I'll just sit here and continue to fret about whether or not I should call the vet because man, this is one pathetic dog I have on my hands.

So Much Shopping, So Little Time (Thanks, Delta Variant)

I was stung by a wasp on Sunday when I took Hannah the Dog over for a playdate with her friend Gus the Boston Terrier. My whole arm turned red and swollen.  The lymph node by my left underarm also turned painful and swollen. I've been icing and elevating it, but in general I'm over this wasp sting.  General rule of thumb: try not to get stung by a wasp.  Anyway, all of this to say that I do not have a book post up today because I have not read an entire book because I keep falling asleep when I read because, you know, Benadryl giveth and Benadryl taketh away.

So I will talk about how much shopping I've done and it will give you some idea as to why I'm scared to look at my credit card bill.

1) In March, I talked about how annoyed I was with an IKEA bookshelf that was in our kitchen.  I desperately wanted a piece of "real" furniture to replace it. I started scouring estate sales, Facebook Marketplace listings, and antique shops.  

For years we lived with this. Years.

There was a shop in our town that I had never visited because I thought it was a clothing store, but I saw something on Facebook about how their patio section was 10% off and in the background I saw a sideboard that was perfect.  I gasped and made Dr. BB go over there with me to look around.

Doesn't it look so much better?  The mixer and microwave sit on top and all our cookbooks and the like are in the drawers.  (The black circle on the right is the base of Zelda the Cat's food bowl. You might like to know that we had to order her a special bowl and now we have to clean her chin twice a day because her kitty acne was out of control. Her medicines are also in this photo.  We have to shave her chin weekly. WHY CAN'T WE HAVE LOW MAINTENAINCE PETS?) Anyway, it pleases me greatly every time I walk in the room to see this.  Also, we moved the bookshelf into the mudroom and now we have extra space for the books my husband keeps bringing into our home.

2) In April, I posted about how I needed some clothes to go back to work. (In retrospect, I'm a fool for purchasing clothes for this purpose since the rise in cases in our county and the new CDC guidelines make it clear that I'm still not going to be going in to my workplace regularly anytime soon. I can't control my anger at people who are still not vaccinated. I can't control my anger at unvaccinated people who are not wearing masks. My whole "people handle the pandemic how they handle the pandemic" mantra is no longer working and my rage is intense.)  Here's what I've come up with.

A) O'Connell's Classic Audrey Dress in black

Sleeves. Check. Pockets. Check.  Flattering neckline. Check. Made in USA. Check.  It's a cotton mix, so not an entirely natural fabric, but it's flattering, work appropriate, and met so many of my requirements that I couldn't say no.

B) Marimekko Puuskahdus Sundress

Fun print. Check. Pockets. Check. Natural fabric. Check.  This is a perfect dress for the likes of me.  

Unfortunately, it was on clearance, so they didn't have my exact size. I bought the next size up and am hoping to get to a tailor to get it taken in. If that can't be done, I'll find myself a thin belt and that's that. I think I can put on a white/cream lightweight cardigan and wear this to the office.

C) O'Connell's Women's Color Blocked Fitted Merino Knit Jacket

I know this cost a lot more than I would normally spend, but the fit is perfect and it's classic, but the colorblocking has just the right twist of modern. It's a glorious piece and I can imagine wearing it A LOT.  It's also crazy soft.  I might be in love with this jacket. 

If you ever find yourself in Buffalo, New York, please go to O'Connell's and tell me all about how it's a wonderful place. I wish I could go in person because I'm pretty sure I'd buy everything.

3) The other thing that has come up is that my father-in-law and his wife got married last September in the height of the pandemic and, of course, we weren't there. They are planning an extravaganza over Labor Day weekend and one of the big events is a reception thing and they are planning on taking family photos.  We last took family photos on this side of the family in 2012 and I still have that photo hanging up in our living room, so I know that this photo will be around for approximately forever.  I needed a new dress for this purpose.

A) Cobalt Street Cotton Square Neck A-Line Mid-Calf Dress - Dark Green

There are no pockets, which is a bummer, but it's super flattering, all cotton, and a great color.  I almost swooned when I tried it on. 

Dr. BB is on the hunt for a tie he can wear that coordinates with this dress. We are going to look SO AMAZING.

(I'm also going to be Very Irritated if this shindig is cancelled/delayed because of COVID. I am beyond agitated that I had approximately three weeks of "normal" and now I'm back to masking if I so much as leave the house and am thinking about viruses hourly again. Dr. BB is going to shave his beard off so that masks will fit and I'm so sad to see it go. His beard is fabulous and My Irritation is growing as I type this.)  

B) Cobalt Street Black T-Shirt Dress

I threw this into my cart on a whim. I think it will be a great work piece with some leggings and boots for fall/winter. It doesn't have pockets, but I think I'll probably wear a jacket with it most of the time and the jacket will have pockets, so it's probably okay. Or I might regret it as I have to lint roll it 834927384 times a day. We'll see.

4) The only thing left on my list of things to be purchased is a nude t-strap heel to wear with that gorgeous green dress.  I have not found one yet that meets my criteria, but I have a little over a month to figure it out, so I guess I will have to do so.

I'm also on the lookout for a new shampoo and conditioner.  I'd been using Aveda, but my hair gets oily after only one day, so I washing my hair every day which is not sustainable for me.  I tried some samples of Olaplex (terrible packaging, especially for the price, not a fragrance I enjoyed, and it made my hair feel heavy) and Verb Ghost (I actually really did like this, but the price has frightened me off - I should see if I can find a dupe somewhere).  Any good recs for shampoo and conditioner for a lady with fine hair that she only wants to wash every other day?

I'm off to ice and elevate my arm.  Have you bought anything recently that is making you nervous to look at your credit card statement?

Strange Times

 

Sometimes it's hard to believe that I used to wake up every morning, put on clothing meant to be seen by other people, and go to the office. It's even harder to believe that I would potentially also go to a store or two, maybe even tutor someone, or even go to a coffeeshop and sip an iced coffee while I worked.  It's even harder to believe that it was only eight months ago. Sometimes that eight months feels like a decade ago; sometimes it feels like two days ago.  

I'm actually relieved we don't have to have our yearly battle over where we're going for the holidays. We're going to stay right here and that's awesome.  I mean, it's not awesome why it's happening, but I've been saying for more than a decade that I'd like to spend the holidays at home. Woot woot. The next time I have to get in a car for longer than twenty minutes, things are going to be bad for me.

Does anyone else find it surprising how exhausting it is to do nothing and go nowhere?  I wake up in the morning ready to go back to bed and start getting to ready to go to bed as soon as dinner is over.  It's not like I'm doing more than I was doing in February - I am working out the same amount, walking the dog the same amount, doing the same amount of housework (with a smidge more cooking because I can make lunch at home!) - but I'm far more exhausted. I'm sure there's a reason for this - the trauma means I'm sleeping less well, so I'm actually getting less sleep?  I'm slightly depressed and/or anxious so the idea of a nap is ever more appealing?  the weather and the fact that the sun sets at four in the afternoon is responsible?  I don't know. I'm just exhausted, but not for any discernible reason. 

As of right now, here's what I'm willing to do:

1) Go to the grocery store/pharmacy/hardware store weekly while wearing a mask.

2) Go to get the CSA delivery biweekly while wearing a mask.

3) Pick up library books curbside while wearing a mask.

4) Go through the drive through to get a decaf americano while wearing a mask. I have cancelled orders when the people at the window weren't wearing masks.

5) Get curbside pickup of lunch at a local pub while wearing a mask.  Yes, I've only done that twice since March, but I'm willing to do it. I'm just too lazy to order food and pick it up when there's food at my house.

6) Playdates for Hannah with our friends B&H who live two blocks away and who have a dog named Gus. These are outside in their backyard and every human is wearing a mask.

Here's what I'm unwilling to do:

1) Go to bars, restaurants, or any place where people take off masks to eat or drink.

2) Get any personal grooming done - no hair cuts, no mani/pedis.

3) Go to any events outdoors with more than five people.

4) Obviously, go to indoor events.  None really.

Maybe someday this will all seem like a fake reality someone else lived.

2) Face to face book club.  This has put me a bit on the outs with a lot of my book clubbers, but I'm holding my ground.

Five by Five by Five

For a brief period of time, I wrote up a Five by Five Friday roundup on this blog in which I'd write about five musings/things that happened to me that week. I stopped doing that because it was actually challenging to write five things every week.  Anyway, Life of a Doctor's Wife and Stephany Writes have been writing lists of five things: things I miss, some of the things I don’t miss, and some of the things I’m grateful for.  Because it's me, I'm also going to add some things I worry about.

Things I Miss

1. Teeth cleaning. I get my teeth cleaned every three months. My periodontist cancelled a regularly-scheduled cleaning very early in this mess in early March and my teeth feel gross, there's visible tartar, and I'm super embarrassed about the whole thing.  I swish, I floss, I proxybrush, I brush brush, but there's nothing like a deep cleaning for the spaces I just can't get to.

2. Taking my time at the grocery store. Going to the store feels like such a battle. I'm always trying to rush, so I'm not inconveniencing other people who also may want to look at the hummus selection.  This means that, despite my comprehensive list-making before arriving at the store, I frequently just forget things because I'm in a rush.  I miss just feeling like I can take twenty seconds at the end of the produce section to triple check that I'll have enough crunchy vegetables to get me through lunch.

3. Going to book club. We have done a meeting over Zoom and we're going to do another this weekend, but it's just not the same. It's great, for sure, to see these people and know they're healthy and still making do, but there's nothing like hearing one of our book club people laugh (my friend Laura has a GREAT laugh) and contagiously laughing because she's laughing and even if you don't know why she's laughing, you just can't stop. That just doesn't happen on Zoom.

4. Food rewards.  We never have been bar or restaurant people because of my husband's dietary restrictions. I pack my lunch 95% of the time and if all the bars closed in the state, we'd be just fine. But I would occasionally reward myself for certain things. After a job interview, I'd go to the coffee shop and get a milk steamer with a shot of pure sugar syrup. After a week of consistent interviews, I'd let myself get a grilled cheese sandwich at the local sandwich place. If I had to sit through an interminable meeting at the student union, I'd get a fro-yo beforehand.  I don't know when I'll ever feel comfortable getting those things every again. (We haven't done carry out and I have not used a drive through and I honestly don't know when/if I'll do those things.)

5. Browsing.  I haven't been inside a non-grocery, hardware, or pharmacy store since March 10. I went to Fleet Farm and Pet Smart looking for a training tool for the dog. If I had known it was the last time I'd go to a store, I feel like I would have gone to Target and just looked around.  I'm not big on just looking around stores, but I do feel like it would be nice to have the option, you know?

Things I Don't Miss

1. Traveling.  We would go visit family, on average, one or two weekends a month. I honestly don't miss it. I love the family Zoom calls and the limited time with our families.  I feel guilty about it, but I don't miss the time in the car, the time we spent worrying we'd say something wrong and someone would take offense, and I don't miss people judging our life choices at every turn. 

2. Rushing.  Sometimes I had tight turnarounds with very little time for transitions, particularly on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  I do not miss how harried I felt during those days.

3. Buying gas.  We've only filled up our gas tanks once and they were only to about half a tank. While we've been spending money on groceries like crazy, money spent for car maintenance is very low.

4. The yoga studio. Our yoga instructors have been doing classes via Zoom and it's fantastic for me. I've always been motivated to exercise at home and having a deadline of when and where to do it, but still being able to basically just roll out of bed and doing a workout has been amazing for me. I honestly don't think I'll be comfortable going back to the yoga studio until there's a widely available vaccine, but the Zoom practices are perfect for me.

5. Air conditioning.  I was always cold at my workplace. Now I can put on as many layers as I want and have a blanket draped over me when I'm working and no one says a word.  

Things I'm Grateful For

1. Time.  I'm so grateful to have time to just sit and pet my kitty, do a jigsaw puzzle, redo a face mask pattern eight times before I get it right, or take the dog for a long walk.  I have time and it's so precious and I'm not rushing around and it's been a wonderful cleansing time for me.

2. Space. We have a four bedroom house for two of us. We have a relatively large backyard. We have open parks and green spaces.  It has been a definite boon for my mental health that there's always a place for me to go if I want to get away.  

3. Technology.  Where would we be without phones, the internet, or automobiles?  I don't have to miss my family because I honestly see them more now via Zoom than I did before the pandemic.  I can work from home because of the internet.  I am grateful this happened in 2020 instead of 1990.

4. My support system.  My husband has been absolutely delightful during this time. We've been preparing for this every summer for a decade now.  My friends are quick with phone calls and texts.  I just really feel like there's no reason for me to feel too down because I am surrounded, metaphorically, with love and support.

5. Zelda the Can and Hannah the Dog:  I don't know what people without pets are doing with themselves right now.

Things I Worry About

1. State politics. The Wisconsin Supreme Court declared the governor's safer at home order unconstitutional and the Tavern League immediately sent out notices to bars to open up.  I worry about our state and stupid people harming others without feeling any sense of guilt or wrongdoing.

2. National politics. Will Trump win reelection in 2020? If he does, what will I do?

3. The fate of higher education.  There's a lot of research that suggests 15-50% of colleges and universities will close in the next five years. What if mine is one? What will we do? The Wisconsin's system president proposed a plan to the Board of Regents that includes program closures and possible school closures. What if my husband's department closes?  What if? What if?

4. My own anxiety.  What if I can never undo what the last two months have done to me psychologically? What if I can never bring myself to go to book club ever again, even when everyone else goes back? What if I never can go to a restaurant again? What if I never feel comfortable with anything social ever again?

5. My friends. My best friend's mom died yesterday.  I can't be there for her and it sucks.  I have another friend who is home alone all the time and she just sounds so depressed and down.  I don't know how to help her. I worry endlessly about them. What will they do? Are they coping?  What do they need?

The Weirdest Week Ever

I'm transitioning jobs.

Last weekend I cleaned out one office.

Then I spent Monday desperately trying to get everything ready in case we had to stay home for weeks on end because *waves hands desperately* COVID19.

Then, despite increasing concerns and calls for social distancing, I went to Madison for a conference on Tuesday. There were folks from  several University of Wisconsin schools, from Oshkosh to Parkside  to Milwaukee. Was that a mistake? Who knows?

On Wednesday I started my new job.

It's so much new information. I'm just reading, absorbing, making new contacts.  And it's exhausting. I have a new schedule. Dr. BB and I have texted more about animal feedings and food preparation in the last four day than the last two months.

Meanwhile, the University where both Dr. BB and I are employed decided on Tuesday to begin Spring Break a week early and move all of its classes to alternate formats (online, I guess?) until April 17 at the earliest. We employees still have to show up for work, though, so that's a thing. We're working in a ghost town.

At the same time, Hannah got sick.

She was sick in her kennel overnight and the poor baby just looked so miserable. We immediately called the vet and since she's such a frequent flyer, the vet just wrote her a prescription without even seeing her.  She took a few days to get back to her usual self, but I was literally just bragging about how healthy she'd been and this felt like a real setback.

Anyway, we finished up her first obedience class session on Tuesday night and she's going to be bumped up from Basic Obedience to Intermediate Obedience in the next session because she's such a good, good girl. 

Zelda the Cat doesn't care an iota about COVID19 or new jobs or sick dogs or changed schedules. She's mostly just pissed that her eating schedule is slightly off.  FEED HER OR ELSE.

Hypothetical Sprained Thumb

I'm not saying that you, fine reader, would ever sprain your thumb.  I'm not saying that you would trip on a rug in your dining room and fall directly on your thumb. And I'm definitely not saying that said thumb would swell up and turn purple within minutes of said fall.  All I'm saying is that if this DID happen to you, and it happened on your dominant hand, here are some things you might expect to be a struggle.

1) Getting dressed and undressed. You can probably manage most of it, but buttons are challenging. Bra hooks are hilarious and may cause you to look like a contortionist. Forget about unhooking a necklace. And let's not even talk about shoelaces.

2) Typing. You know how your thumb is used on the space bar with surprising regularity? You're going to have to rely on the thumb on your non-dominant hand and it will slowly drive you insane.

3) Caring for injured thumb. Technically you should be icing your injured thumb when you're at home.  You put the splint on for things like walking the dog, working out, and meeting other people (shaking hands is awkward, but people don't squeeze hard with the splint). But you probably won't be able to put the splint on your own damn self without someone's help, so when that someone (hypothetically your spouse) goes somewhere all day (hypothetically to work), you just forget the icing and wear the splint.

4) Putting on the dog's harness and leash. Hopefully you have a patient dog who will watch you fumble and not say a word, although  she's probably looking at you with extreme pity.

5) Grabbing the cat when she runs upstairs, which she knows she isn't supposed to do, but still tries to do a half a dozen times a day.

And that's it, my friends.  Forewarned is forethumbed.

Wednesday Whines and Wins

Whine: Our beloved farm is closing.  The ownership structure got complicated and it became yet another small farm in Wisconsin that just can't compete with the mega-farms. There are really only two other options for vegetable CSAs in our area and one is a giant farm, so we'll be trying out a new farm this year. This CSA is much more expensive than our old one, so I'm excited to see if there's a difference in quality or quantity. I also sprung for us to a dozen eggs every other week because if there's something we eat a lot of in this house, it's eggs.

Win: I frequently find myself at our grocery store at non-peak hours. I do this mostly to avoid the people who decide that standing in the middle of the cheese aisle is a good time to catch up with Neighbor Dave and Cousin Betty despite that fact that the CHEESE aisle at a grocery store in Wisconsin is regularly as busy as the church basement after Sunday services in Alabama, but the other advantage of going at this time is the power I feel when I turn the motion-detecting lights in the refrigerator cases on by walking down the aisle.  I AM THE FORCE.

Whine: My husband signed us both up for piano lessons.  He really wants a piano for our main room downstairs and I rolled my eyes at him since neither of us plays piano. So lessons it is.  First up, playing piano is hard. Next up, we have a keyboard set up with my husband's old desktop in our office to practice and Garage Band constantly freezes and/or shuts down just as I want to start practicing. What I'm learning is that Apple products suck.

Win: Thanks to said piano lessons, I can successfully play Love Me Tender very slowly on the piano.

Whine: I just went to the periodontist and my gums are killing me. I always forget to take ibuprofen with my breakfast on periodontist days and then regret it as soon as I pay the lady $150 and walk to the car with my hand clutching my lower jaw as if that will somehow dull the ache.

Win: I can afford the dental care.

Whine: I had a doctor appointment today (my foot! still with my foot!). I was there for half an hour before I went to the desk and asked just how far behind my doctor would be and was told that it would be at least another hour. Um...no.

Win: I rescheduled for next Monday. 

2019: The Polar Vortex Edition

Our schedules are frequently complicated. We only have one car and my part-time job requires a fair amount of travel. But our teaching schedules on campus are what we count on to ground us. They may change semester by semester, but they are pretty normal and that is something I don't take for granted as the rest of my life swirls about in a chaotic mess.

But this weather has thrown everything off. If you're luck enough to be somewhere that isn't the upper Midwest of the United States, we're in the middle of a weather snap that is getting relatively dire. Up until the first week of classes for the semester, we'd had a pretty mild winter. And then.

January 18 - 20 I was in Canada doing work for my part-time job. This had been planned for a little while, but right as Dr. BB was taking me to the airport two things happened. One, a lot of snow started falling. Two, he got a phone call that his uncle died.  I took off for Toronto, getting a connection in Chicago just as the snow started there.

University of Toronto-St. George campus is beautiful in the snow.

Week 1 of the Semester
On the 21st, I flew back to Madison (flights were delayed the entire time because of weather) in time for Dr. BB to pick me to take me straight to Iowa for the visitation. Then Dr. BB stayed in Iowa for the actual funeral and I came home. He ended up getting stranded in Iowa because of a freak ice storm while I was home in Wisconsin shoveling us out from five inches of snow.  He cancelled classes on the 22nd and 23rd and eventually came home on the 23rd. Then we had some degree of normalcy over the weekend (although we had to go to "celebration of life" thing for a colleague of ours who died in December), although it really did snow at least twelve inches altogether.

Week 2 of the Semester
The polar vortex strikes us. The temperatures were below zero and one night there was a recorded -50 with wind chill.  The University actually cancelled all activities from Tuesday evening through Friday morning. I taught on Tuesday and that was it. Meanwhile, I'm trying to accomplish two life goals: get an oil change for the car and get to a follow-up appointment with my eye doctor about contacts.  Both are postponed more than once. It's dangerous to leave the house. That weekend we return to Iowa for a family birthday party AND go to the visitation for a mentor Dr. BB had in high school. Over the weekend it gets up into the 40s and all that snow starts melting, leaving open puddles everywhere.

Week 3 of the Semester
Monday and Tuesday are normal until we get home from class on Tuesday. Ice starts raining from the sky.  Dr. BB goes into class on Wednesday while I stayed home and spent hours trying to get the ice up from the driveway so the car can get in the garage. It continues to rain ice on Wednesday evening and we both end up cancelling office hours and classes today because it's not safe for us to drive and it's certainly not safe for all of our students to drive.

Wrap-up
I've actually taught four of the six teaching days I've had. I've shoveled snow and ice. We've been to three wakes. I'm full of anxiety.  2019 has been challenging for me so far.

Broken Bones, Broken Minds

Just after Thanksgiving, I started limping. Not my normal limp caused by a broken leg from several years ago, but a brand new limp caused my some unknown ailment in my supposedly good leg.

I ignored it, kept working out, kept going on my daily walks, and kept doing my life until this one day in early December.

I had an agonizing headache. I had a weird thing going on in my mouth that I had been to the dentist for and it turns out was super painful but would go away in a day or two (and it did). I had a massive breakout of eczema on my right hand that made daily chores like typing and getting dressed hard, and, oh yeah, my right leg was killing me.

I went to the doctor.

I had somehow broken the navicular bone in my right foot. I don't know how, exactly, but I suspect I landed on my right foot awkwardly when I went for a run at my father-in-law's house. I vaguely remember dropping my phone during this run, which led to a cascade of me stopping suddenly, sort of twitting and landing on my right foot harder than I intended, and a bit of pain, but it wasn't even serious enough for me to stop running.

So for over a month now, I have had to ease up on working out. I can't walk because it hurts my foot. I can't do yoga or pilates because all the bare foot standing positions are super duper painful. I can't do weightlifting because the extra weight on my foot is not fun. I could ride my bike, but it's cold outside and I don't want to ride my bike.  So I'm not. 

And I'm miserable. I've been miserable for weeks.  I'm grumpy. I can feel my muscles atrophying as I sit here. Anxiety unlike anything I've had in years is rearing its ugly head. I find my brain going around and around in circles and then just starting the whole cycle again.

But next week, my friends. Next week I'm going to start easing in on walking again. And by the end of the month, I better be back at working out regularly or it's possible my husband is going to file for divorce.  And when I start working out again, I assume all this anxiety and stress will melt away and I'll feel like a normal person again.

That's what's going on. 

Summer in the City

I can't say that summer is my favorite. I love many things about it. I have a flexible schedule. I get to wear sandals. I can go for walks outside after dinner and it's still sunny. Popsicles are a thing.  The produce will never be better.  There's regular Farmers' Markets and concerts in the park.  I like these things.

I don't always love the constant application of sunscreen and bug spray that lead me to taking two or three showers a day. The heat and humidity mean I have to take that walk after dinner because I'm too miserable during the day to move. I lack the willpower to work out.  I don't actually like swimming or the water.  I don't like the constant need to mow the lawn and wash the car windows of bug carcasses.

And what I like least about summer is my skin.

I was a lucky teenager. I had pimples, but it wasn't terrible. I don't have scars from acne, emotional or physical.  Until I was in my early twenties, I didn't give much thought to my skin at all.

And then something happened. I got these dry patches on my upper arms and, no matter how much lotion I used, they wouldn't go away.

And then I had a blistery rash on my hand - out of nowhere - and the blisters popped open and wouldn't heal. They kind of healed and the blisters came out  again and repeated the entire process all over again.

The first time I went to the doctor about it, it was more than ten years ago.

These blisters on my hands and upper arms are exacerbated by heat, stress, rubbing, water, and many chemicals. It's advised I keep the areas affected by this eczema cool and dry.  Now, I work in an institutional setting and come in contact with hundreds of people a day. I wash my hands approximately a million times a day.  I can't keep my hands cool and dry.  Plus, I have to apply sunscreen and bug spray or  I can't live my life. I can't void my life of stress, particularly during the summer when stress is all I have to keep me going.

I suspect it's also exacerbated by other damage to my skin. So, let's say, hypothetically, that a dog bites me and I have a giant bruise and a couple of gashes on my leg. That's probably going to cause an outbreak in totally unrelated area of my skin.

My current dermatologist ratcheted up the levels of steroids I use on my hands, but he's hesitant to increase the level even more because of the side effects. In the meantime, I have had an outbreak on the heel of my right hand for months. Just as the blisters are healing and the skin is growing back, I get a new set of blisters. I'm beyond frustrated at this point because my hand is either covered in gauze and tape or a slimy mix of topical steroids and non-lye based soap.

I don't know why I'm writing this, actually. I just feel like this skin issue is a constant in my life. My youngest niece described me as "aunt D with the yucky hand" and that's just not how I want to be remembered.  I'm frustrated while being very grateful that this is the health issue I'm dealing with and not something more serious.

But if you run into me, please don't try to shake my hand. It's super awkward.

Flooding the Streets: My Commute with Bad Maps in I Drew in Paint

When we first moved into our house, I timed our commute from door to door, from our house to school.  It was 12 minutes. I thought this was amazing.

I failed to consider how rarely I'd be able to make this commute, however.
This is the ideal route. We take our street to a small "rustic river road" and that connects us to a county road that takes us right to school. This takes 12-13 minutes and is a lovely drive.  However, that "rustic river road" is also flooded by River #2 for about 25% of the year, including right now.  It's also slightly dangerous in the winter because it's impossible to keep the road clear because of drifting, so I'd say we can safely take these roads for 6-8 months of the year.

The second route is basically just going the other direction from one major county road to another. This was is slightly longer (more like 15 minutes) and super boring, but it's an acceptable way.  This is not an option right now because there is construction on County Road #1 that makes way impossible to pass. This construction is expected to continue through until the fall.

So now we're left with this way, which combines routes 1 and 2. I start like I'm just going to do Route #3, but halfway down the boring County Road #1, I turn on yet another county road (#3) and then that intersects with the country road from Route #1 and it takes me right into school. This takes roughly 16 minutes and would be ideal for right now if I didn't always forget to take that stupid turn on to County Road #3.

This way doesn't even show up on Google maps BECAUSE IT TAKES MORE THAN 20 MINUTES.  Argh.

This is my life, my friends. Stupid construction and flooding. It's adding MINUTES to my commute. And don't even get me started on the way I have to go to ride my bike to school. It's ridiculous.

One Thing at a Time

There are two more weeks of classes and then finals week and then that's it. Another semester in the can.

I need to write down exactly what I'm going to do with each of the remaining class periods. I need to prepare for lecture today. I need to do laundry. I need to get ready for my tutoring student tomorrow. I need to figure out holiday cards. I need to...

Just chill.

It's a beautiful fall day. We've had no snow yet, so I can still reliably walk through the woods and ride my bike and enjoy being outside.

If I don't exactly figure out my schedule for the rest of the semester and something falls through the cracks, the students will never know.  Some of my best lectures have been when I wing it without much preparation. The students just have to shoulder some of the burden.  Chores will always be waiting and if Dr. BB needs clean clothes that badly, he can do laundry himself.  If holiday cards don't get sent out, no one will miss them much in the flood of mail in the next month. 

So I'm going to write this to myself as a reminder.  You can only do one thing at a time and this is your time to just be.

Let's home I remember this in three weeks.

Spoiling for a Fight

Our town had its holiday parade on chilly, chilly Saturday night. They were doing the staging in front of our house (the road was closed!) and I spent a good hour beforehand wandering around and watching people test music, lights, and sort through their candy. We met up with some friends and cheered and yelled and enjoyed the floats and horses, cows, goats, and dogs dressed up with lights. Our friends have a little one and it was fun to watch her get pumped for the candy thrown her way. It was great fun.

And then we went home.

We are going to be at Dr. BB's father's house for Thanksgiving.  Dr. BB's cousin is getting married on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so it doesn't make sense for us to do otherwise.

But the Christmas holiday is looming. We haven't made a decision yet about where we will be. I desperately want to stay home with our cat. I know that is not actually an option, but if I'm 100% honest, and why shouldn't I be, that's what I want.

My sister sent me a text message with a pointed note that I haven't spent a Christmas in Michigan since I got married. My husband has sent me pointed messages that he wants to be there to support his father in the first Christmas since his mom died.  This is not a NEW topic of dispute about the holidays (this post is from FIVE YEARS AGO complaining about the same thing), but I honestly don't want to have it out again in an argument when I'm left crying at the end. I KNOW that I'm going to say something along the lines of we didn't go see my mom the first year after my dad died and it's wrong and it's mean and the circumstances are so different, but part of me is incredibly resentful of all of the time we've spent with his side of the family this year. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it, but damn it, I would like to see MY side of the family, too.

I think we might actually split of up for the holidays.

It's SO hard for Dr. BB to eat when we visit my family. The kitchens cannot be trusted, so he ends up eating yogurt and sandwiches with lunch meat the whole time we're there. This food thing is actually the main reason we so rarely go anywhere and I'm sympathetic about it, I really am. I just wish that it wasn't so hard.

I don't want to be away from the most important person in my life on Christmas. I really don't. But I also really don't want to have to deal with screaming children and emotionally volatile adults on Christmas either. So here we are. Deadlocked. Again.

I haven't even talked to him about it this year because I know what he's going to say. And I know what I'm going to say. The only thing I don't know is what we'll actually do.

Hurt Feelings

The main library in Milwaukee is this giant old building with gorgeous tile and big arched windows that allow light to stream in everywhere.  I found myself reaching for my sunglasses while I was  inside it this morning, reveling in the warmth as the temperatures start to dip into chilly.

Today was A Day. It's actually been A Week. I run around getting things done that MUST BE DONE, but at the end of the day, there's just more to get done.  I am doing things, but it doesn't seem like I'm doing the IMPORTANT things and I berate myself constantly for not having the right priorities.

And then it seems like my efforts at getting things done are somehow unappreciated, that my constant swirl of energy is just not enough for anyone.

But when I was in that library this morning, I just thought about all the people who had walked through it. What could those people who saw it for the first time have thought about its beautiful domed roof and the endless rows of glass? How many little kids have borrowed their first chapter books from this building? How many people have used it for help with taxes, finding a job, or just resting as they walk from one end of town to the other? How many students have come here looking for books on reptiles and dinosaurs? How many mothers have brought their kids to story time?  How many titles have gone in and out of the library? One library, that's all it is. But it's a big deal.

And my little worries? They're a speck in the pond.  This is my perspective.

Mantra: Don't Be Lazy

So, do people do NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) anymore?  During November you write a blog post a day?  I don't know. I'm thinking not. I actually have never done it because Thanksgiving. It seems really rude to just stop in the middle of festivities and head to my computer to write about how I'd rather be at home on the couch watching Stranger Things than hanging out with my beloved extended family.  Anyway.

I'm still not going to accomplish posting for 30 days in a row because Thanksgiving still exists, but I'll try and post something most days. That's vague enough, right?

I, like everyone I know, am a natural procrastinator. I would honestly like to be reading my book under the blanket with the cat curled up next to me all the time. If given my druthers, I'd rarely leave the house and I'd always be wearing sweat pants.

But I also know that if I did that,  I would feel terribly guilty and worried all the time.  I know that the rewards of procrastination are very rarely worth my emotional agony, so in the last couple of years, my inner mantra has become "don't be lazy," which is my harsher version of Nike's "just do it." 

For example, yesterday I was EXHAUSTED when we got home from school. But we had to run an errand, eat dinner, and then go to a concert.  Instead of just curling up on the couch with the cat for half an hour before we ran that errand, I took off my boots (which involved getting down the boot box, brushing them, and putting them back in their individual boot bags with their boot trees), wrote yesterday's blog post, got the trash ready to take out, and ate a snack to get me through the errand.  I didn't necessarily LOVE doing all that, but it made me less frantic later on in the evening.

I feel like I'm naturally lazy, so this is my way of forcing myself to do something about my laziness. So, this is my first attempt. I'm not going to be lazy about this poor, constantly neglected blog. November, here I come with lots of endless prattling!

Someone Else's Life

I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience for most moments of my life right now. There are three main tracks in my life and they seem to be running parallel to one another in non-complementary ways.

Track 1 is the house. We're set to close next week and I'm excited in kind of a muted way.  I mean, way to decimate our savings account, you know? I remember talking to our photographer right before our wedding and he said something about how it is be hard to picture yourselves in wedding photos before your own wedding and it seems unreal, like it only happens to other people, but afterwards it will be crazy to imagine your life without those wedding memories and I kind of feel like that is how this house thing is. I mean, it's a beautiful house and that should happen to people who aren't me. But once we move in and settle in, it will feel like that's how things are meant to be, right?  Anyway, when we are at home, this is heavy on my mind.

Track 2 is my mother-in-law. We're there a lot by her bedside, watching daytime television and watching her sleep. It's emotionally and physically excruciating.  There's something about the fact that Dr. BB and I, a couple of the few non-medical types in the family, are the ones that are there the most frequently that makes me a bit nervous. A prolonged death is terrible, for the the dying and the living.

Track 3 is my family. We were supposed to go on vacation with them this week, a vacation that's been on the calendar for over a year. Instead I'm getting crappy cell phone camera photos from them at the end of each night and a guilt-trip from my mother. 

So none of these actually work together. If I'm at home, dealing with stuff that needs to be dealt with (calling maintenance pople for help on the house, pricing dishwashers, calling the banker, getting an oil change, getting quotes from movers) I feel terrible that I'm not with my mother-in-law. When I'm just sitting there watching her sleep, I feel like shit that I'm not with my own family doing something fun and making memories with people I so rarely see. And when I'm lying in bed at night, I puzzle over how it seems like this is someone else's life I'm watching from overhead.  I feel pity for that person whose life I'm watching.

But.

I also know that all of this is temporary. Dr. BB and I are healthy, we are lucky to have time to spend with my mother-in-law, and we are going to get through this.

Until then, enjoy this photo of the lake in town, taken at dusk. I'll be enjoying it every chance I get for the next few weeks.