Women and Children First by Alina Grabowski

I heard about Women and Children First by Alina Grabowski on Sarah's Bookshelves podcast. Susie had it in her top five of the year so far in episode 172. 

The book is ten chapters long and each chapter is told from a different point-of-view of a woman. A teenager dies at a party in the crumbling town of Nashquitten, Massachusetts, and what we have here is a collection of short stories about how the lives of each of these women is connected as they try to grapple with what happened. Susie compared it to Great House and I liked the structure of Great House, even if I didn't like the execution of it, so I was excited to give it a try. 

Alas, even though I want to like this structure - I love the idea of thinking about how one event, large or small, weaves through so many lives - I have to admit that the structure doesn't actually work for me. We don't get to spend enough time with the characters to really get to know them and understand why they are making the decisions that they are making. I like it in theory, but in reality I get frustrated with the very thing I say I want to read.

So. Basically. This is my problem, not the author's. It's an interesting look at a community and how interconnected everyone is and how many secrets there are. It makes me think I should have more secrets in my small town. 

3.5/5 stars

Lines of note:

While I waited for her to respond, I watched videos of old women grooming small dogs on YouTube, which was what I did when I was sad. (page 133)

I watch so many dog grooming videos on YouTube. I felt so seen. I also watch some guy who trims cow hooves. Why is this so fascinating?

I used to think that everyone was on the same page, that we agreed being human meant taking care of one another. But now I understand that a lot of people - maybe most people - think that being human means just taking care of yourself and those you've already decided have value. (page 253)

When did you last think people were on the same page? I feel like I stopped thinking this way when I was six. 

I watch a documentary about cults until Jane arrives. I can't understand why you'd follow someone who calls you a whore and drops your phone in a swimming pool when you try to call your family, but there are a lot of things I don't understand. The appeal of sporting events, people's obsession with lobster, thermodynamics. (page 254)

Ha ha ha. I laughed at this and read it aloud to my husband. Seriously. Why are we all so excited about the Olympics? What even does "thermodynamics" mean? 

Hat mentions (why hats?):

I straighten my spine and tip an imaginary hat. (page 119)

Only now did I realize that a crowd had gathered around us, moms with stricken leathery faces and their oblivious kids in bucket hats. (page 217)

He takes off his jacket but not his hat, and then the hostess leads him to a table and he's gone. (page 305)

Colonoscopy 101: Ugh (But You Still Gotta Do It)

Earlier this week I had my first colonoscopy. I want to talk about it because it sucked and everyone made it sound like it would sort of suck, but then it would be over, and that would be fine. I did not find that last bit to be true. Stephany recently wrote about her sleep study and I was inspired to write this down because maybe it will help someone else out who has some of the questions I had.

Look, this is going to be graphic and talk about poop a lot, so if that's not your jam, maybe just skip this post. 

Pre-pre-procedure

I have a first-degree relative with colon cancer, which is the reason I got to get a colonoscopy a bit earlier (seriously, just weeks) than age 45, which is the recommendation for people to start getting screened. My husband had his colonoscopy about a month ago and he went through a different healthcare system and his prep was entirely different from mine, so I'll try and talk about the two different preps and then go into my experience. 

Dr. BB's pre-procedure

My husband had to be on a low-fiber diet for five days before his colonoscopy. My husband was given a jug with some prep powder in it and an optional flavor packet and he had to drink a cup every fifteen minutes for two hours the night before his procedure. The morning of his procedure he had to repeat the drinking of the prep every fifteen minutes for two hours. The prep was gluten-free, if anyone is interested in that. 

My pre-procedure

The only food restriction I had for my prep was no popcorn for seven days. I admit that for most people this would probably just be a mild inconvenience, but I cannot tell you how many times I eat popcorn in a week, so this was a real sadness for me. Oh, well. I persevered. 

The day before the procedure, I had to be on a clear liquid diet starting at midnight. I drank water and tea and ate a few popsicles. You can eat or drink anything clear as long as it wasn't purple or red. Then the prep started. 

At around noon, I took five 5mg tablets of Dulcolax. Things were fine for a few hours, but then the nausea started. I had a wet bowel movement. 

THEN! Things got terrible. I had to buy two big bottles of Miralax (238 grams each) and mix it with Gatorade. I chose to mix it with full-calorie lemon-lime Gatorade. I went with "real" Gatorade because I was concerned that the lack of calories was going to be a big problem for me, but I fear that the mistake I made was in so many calories because I was already nauseated and then all this sugar made me really feel like I was going to vomit and never stop. Do not recommend. I had to drink a cup of this solution every fifteen minutes until my stool was "clear like light beer." 

The actual instructions. 

(I hated this. Like I have any idea what light beer looks like? Or regular beer for that matter. Honestly. Way to show your roots, Wisconsin. Imagine I just said the word Wisconsin like it was a swear word, okay?)

Anyway, I drank nine glasses of this and there were still flecks, but if I smelled Gatorade, I would have vomited my lungs up, so I gave up and went to bed. It was a terrible night of sleep. I had to wake up to void everything once and my stomach was cramping like mad and did I mention that I thought I was going to puke every time my husband so much as moved a micromillimeter? 

I woke up and had to keep drinking that nastiness until my stools were clear like light beer, but I finished the whole fucking thing and there were still flecks, but I didn't care because if someone had asked me to eat or drink anything, I would have laid down and died. 

(It's possible I am melodramatic when I am sick or injured. Why do you ask?)

The hospital is a quick five minute drive away and I tried to remain cheerful because, hey, at least I didn't have rhabdomyolysis, right? But I want you to know that I rolled down the window and kept my head out the window the whole way there because if I was going to puke, I wasn't going to do it in the car.  

End scene. We get there at the exact time I was told to get there, but the doctor was running late. This meant I was going to the bathroom at the hospital (still flecks, yo) and we were just sitting in the waiting room while I contemplated if it would hurt the fake plant if I puked in its vase. 

(I never did puke. But it felt very close the whole time.)

So. The prep. -2/10. Do not recommend.

The Colonoscopy Itself

But here's what I was really worried about. I was actively menstruating and I know, from having been there with my husband a month before, that they asked you to remove everything when you put your gown on. I did some research, but the Internets let me down because there were no clear answers about what to do. (My husband did not understand my concern. Was I supposed to wear a tampon? Was I supposed to free bleed? What is the answer here?)

So when we finally got into my assigned room, they had me strip and put on a gown and I asked about what I should do if I was actively bleeding on my period. Like...help me out, nurse? 

Mesh panties. And a pad. That's the answer. They give you mesh panties and a pad. The definitely do not want you wearing a tampon. And think of them as Chekhov's mesh panties because they're going to come back. 

We waited in this room for literal hours because the doctor was running behind. They put in an IV and gave me some sweet, sweet Zofran and I stopped feeling like I was going to puke.

Things we talked about while waiting:

    The clock on the wall and how the minute hand moved incrementally every fifteen seconds 
    Construction at the hospital
    The building we both work in is having its roof replaced, but not soon enough since there was leaking and one of the (empty) offices in my husband's department had gotten wet
    How nice it was not to feel like vomiting
    Whether or not people would like I Capture the Castle
    Calculating how many hours we'd spent in the hospital in the last week
    How slow my IV was dripping
    If I would ever drink lemon-lime Gatorade again

Okay, was that list boring? Yeah? Well, imagine living it.

They finally took me back to the procedure and it was fine. I mean, they position you so you're laying on your left side and then there are drugs and I literally remember nothing until waking up back in the recovery room. 

But, hey, did I wet myself? Like, it's very damp. I had to just sit there in dampness until they removed my IV, but they still wanted me to sit up for five minutes and then sit on the side of the bed for a minute or two before I got see what's what.

You guys. You GUYS. The mesh panties were yellow. ALERT ALERT. I clearly peed on myself. And maybe I peed on the health care workers? WHAT HAVE I DONE?

The results were normal and I have no polyps and that is the best news we could have asked for.

The allergy band makes it look DIRE. I'm allergic to sulfa drugs, which is not a big deal. 

Post-procedure

When we got home, I have to admit to you some sad news. The Zofran wore off and I was once again nauseated. AND THEN the gas. They have to shoot air up your ass, I guess, and I am not a person who gets gas and I literally thought I was going to DIE of abdominal pain. (Melodrama, I know!)

So I curled up in a ball on the couch where I sat for three hours, letting out teeny tiny bits of gas almost continuously. And felt like throwing up. 

AND THEN! I was finally hungry. I ate some yogurt and granola and it was the best tasting yogurt I've ever had. 

But man I was still gassy. And I had bloating and abdominal pain for about 28-30 hours after the procedure was finished. And I didn't have a BM for more than 48 hours after the procedure. Maybe TMI, but I have BMs much more regularly than that. Like multiple times a day more.  And there's a huge bruise on the back of my hand where the IV was. 

Note: You can also see the scar left by Penny the Cat. 

And I get to do it all again in five years. Hopefully with less peeing on myself. 

Please get yourself a colonoscopy if you're due and you haven't done it. Yes, it really does suck (real talk), but colorectal cancer is way worse. Early detection is key to good outcomes!

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When is the last time you were nauseous for more than a day? Did you also put your face out the window of a moving car? Do you have questions about this procedure? I will be an open book.

Throw Some Money At It

I recently paid an enterprising young man $250 to just come and make my biggest yard problems disappear. Our yard is a jungle and every week it kept getting worse and worse. Here are the big issues with the yard.

1) The compost is open almost every day, but most days it closes at 3pm and we are working adults. That means that if we do yardwork, the waste sits around in our garage for days and days until we can get it there, usually on a Saturday. The compost is not open at all on Sunday, which means that if we do yardwork on the weekends, it has to be Saturday morning/early Saturday afternoon or bust. Now, I don't know how things work in your world, but in my world, a lot of that Saturday morning time is spent sleeping in. The compost hours are a big problem.

2) When Dr. BB went into the hospital, we lost a weekend. And now he's on restricted activity and I have a full-time job and it turned into, hmmmm, a fucking nightmare. I was literally have nightmares about weeds killing me. 

So, you know what? I decided that my innate frugality was going to lose the battle and I paid Trevor and he came THE NEXT DAY and now I am not having nightmares.

We were bumping into greenery with our cars trying to get in and out of the driveway. No, I'm not exaggerating that the church is right behind us. 

He left the damn hostas, so I'm going to have go in there and remove them, but look! You can use the driveway. Next weekend we'll get some wood chips and we're going to roundup the plants we don't want to come back and we're just going to count this as a lost year. Sorry birds and insects.

But I don't want anyone feeling too bad for the birds and insects because there are at least four other beds just like the one we had taken down that just don't impede the driveway. Those are beds for another day. 

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What chore have you recently given up on?

Ghosted by Rosie Walsh

 

In Ghosted by Rosie Walsh, Sarah and Eddie meet and spend "seven perfect days" together. Eddie then leaves for vacation and Sarah doesn't hear from him again. We spend the rest of the book as Sarah tries to figure out what happened to him and how to move on with her life.

Hmm...look, this book was not for me. We hear a lot about these "seven perfect days," but there is very little time of that shown to us, so it just ends up seeming like Sarah is an obsessed stalker. Sure, they meet and there's a connection, but she goes through some extreme lengths to find/contact him that seems inappropriate (and, honestly, if it had been a man doing it to a woman, he would have been arrested).  

And then there are the "twists" that just keep happening towards the end of the book. I felt a little bit like the author had misled the reader in an unfair way. I don't know. Maybe this will be the book for someone else, but it didn't work for me. 2/5 stars

Lines of note:

Did anyone ever lose the desire to impress their favorite teacher? I wondered. More than nineteen years had passed since I’d been in her A-level English class, and yet here I was, trying to make clever gags about revenge tragedies. (location 840)

Ha ha ha. I saw my band teacher from high school (I was in a class with him every school day from sixth grade through graduation in high school) and he didn't remember who I was and I'm not going to lie, friends, my feelings were hurt. 

I rest a hand on the trunk, saddened to imagine this magnificent beast felled by a snarling chain saw. “Sorry,” I tell it, because it feels wrong to say nothing. “And thank you. For the oxygen. And everything.” (location 3593)

I have done this! We had a lot of ash trees taken down because of the emerald ash borer and when I'd see the big orange X on the trunk, I'd take time to touch the trunk and thank the tree. I don't know. Maybe it's weird?

Things I looked up:

King’s Cross fire of 1987 (location 1033) - Sheesh! I was even alive during this time. Someone threw a lit match on a wooden escalator and it caught fire and then there was a flashover and it spread to the ticket hall. It led to thirty-one fatalities. 

Later he had challenged me to a game of shithead and didn’t mind in the slightest when I thrashed him.(italics added)  (location 3384) - Shithead (also called China Hand, Ten-Two Slide, Karma, Palace or Shed) is a card game, the object of which is to lose all of one's playing cards. Huh. I've never heard of it before. 

Hat mentions:

An actual clown, with boxes of red noses and ukuleles and silly hats. (location 475)

Why didn’t I take a a hat, or some gloves? (location 4121)

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Did you know about this King's Cross fire? Have you ever played shithead?

Monday Misfits

Just some photos of my gorgeous girls.

So much belly fuzz. I love everything about this pose.

Forget it. If you come into our home, you will not be greeted with a welcome mat, but with a cat who will consider murdering you with her paws.

This made me think about Jenny's blog title - Runners Fly. Hannah doesn't need any paws on the ground!

Not ten seconds later, she had come to a complete stop and was giving me the best doggy smile she could.

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Tell me all about the last dog or cat you pet!

20th Anniversary Countdown: Guest Post #14

In celebration of my blog's 20th anniversary, I'm having guest posters every week leading up to the big day. 

I feel like San doesn't need an introduction, but for those of you who aren't following her, here goes. She is originally from Germany, but lives in California now with her husband. She is the poster child for having a Peloton, makes delicious food, and has a fascinating job as a geographer who does both fieldwork and data analysis. She blogs over at The In Between Is Mine and she is the organizational guru who has kept a vibrant blogging community alive through continuing NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) and doing an annual Secret SANta Swap. I don't have any favorites in the blogosphere, of course, but San is definitely a favorite.  

Let's welcome her!

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I am so excited to be part of Engie’s blogiversary celebration and thrilled to be featured on her blog (which was ‘born’ the same year as mine). It’s so fantastic to know another blogger who has stuck out the highs and lows of blogging over the years and still finds joy and value in keeping this personal online diary (with the benefit of an amazing blogging community to boot). Happy Blogiversary, Engie!

The first few things that probably come to mind if you know me already and read my blog are “NaBloPoMo, Peloton, and my crazy workout schedule” (which in honesty doesn’t feel so crazy to me, but I can see how it looks crazy to others.) 

I like to joke that I don’t have any other hobbies (which is a complete and utter lie, by the way), so working out takes up a lot of my time because I choose to make it a priority, and because I enjoy it, I’d like to add. I know I am lucky that way. I am also ambitious and always up for a challenge, although not really competitive (other than with myself).  

I am a positive and optimistic person and like to put positive spins on everything. Don’t worry, I am not one of those annoying overly positive people who just throw around glitter and sunshine (although a little glitter can never hurt). I know how to kick, scream, and wallow a good amount, I don’t believe in “everything happens for a reason" (because it doesn’t, don’t @ me), but in the end, my ‘half-glass-full’ mentality usually prevails. 

Mantras and motivational quotes are not everybody’s thing and they can be corny and eye-roll-inducing (believe me, some of them do that to me too), but surprisingly, I’ve also come across quite a few that I “needed to hear” and that I employ and rely on regularly during my workouts. 

I thought I’d share my 20 favorite mantras/motivational quotes that I use or remind myself of during exercise, but I feel that some also apply to everyday life. Many of them, you’ll not be surprised, I’ve heard from Peloton instructors. They might not have originally created them. Some are just phrases that anybody could have come up with, I guess (who can claim ownership of a string of words?) but some are credited to certain people. Either way, I hope you find some nuggets of wisdom here and think of them as inspirational too. 

1) I don’t have to, I get to. (Jess Sims, Peloton Instructor)

This might be my #1 mantra. Whenever I struggle or feel unmotivated, I try to remind myself what a privilege it is to move my body. It's not something I take for granted.

2)  The hardest part is - check ✔-  done, you showed up today. (Jess Sims, Peloton Instructor)

If you have wondered how to get into a workout routine and stick with it, this is it. You just commit to showing up for yourself. (Another favorite mantra that hits the same spot, “Keep showing up”.) Sometimes, it’s only 10 minutes, but just showing up and getting started is half the battle. Usually, after you get started, you follow through with the rest of your workout. Or you don’t, but you will never regret showing up, even for only 10 minutes. [Note from NGS: I have certainly regretted showing up for workouts, but I get it.]

3) Run the mile you’re in. (Ryan Hall, Olympian and American Half Marathon record holder)

Have you ever been out on a run and felt like it was never going to end? Well, here’s a thought: break up your run into small chunks. I always tell myself that I can run “one more mile”. And then, I just reiterate that at the end of every mile until I am done. It seems silly, but it seems to work for me. 

4) I can do hard things. (Jess Sims, Peloton Instructor)

When I struggle through a workout (or I find myself in a tough situation), this is the mantra I repeat in my head: I can do hard things because I've done hard things before.

5) Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. (Arthur Ashe, tennis player)

It's hard to not compare yourself to others (we all do it now and then), but I try to remind myself that everybody is at a different stage on their own journey.

6) Beat yesterday. (Garmin).

You might be surprised that I am not a very competitive person. I mainly compete with myself and my goal always is to "beat yesterday".

7) If you can’t get out of it, get into it. (Denis Morton, Peloton Instructor)

A simple shift in your mindset and attitude can make a huge difference and help you get through a hard situation. If you can't get out of it, commit mentally to getting through it. It usually helps me.

8) Allow yourself to be uncomfortable. (Alex Toussaint, Peloton Instructor)

We’re so used to seeking out comfort and instant gratification in modern society that we forget that achieving things sometimes takes time and perseverance and that it might be uncomfortable for a little while. (But just remember how glorious you’ll feel afterward!)

9) Drink as you pour. (Chelsea Jackson Roberts, Peloton Yoga Instructor)

This sounds like straight out of a self-care book (or the flight manual where they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first before helping others), right? It's good advice though. Self-care and rest are just as important as doing things for others. [Note from NGS: I have no idea what this means. Please explain it to me like I'm five.]

10) If you need to take an emotional lap, take an emotional lap. (Adrian Williams, Peloton Instructor)

Adrian often calls this out after a hard workout block, but isn’t it so true for life though? If you need a moment to breathe, just step away and do just that (and literally take an emotional lap around the living room, if it helps. I know that walking around helps me sometimes.) 

11) Athletes don’t exercise and diet. They train and fuel. (Matt Wilpers, Peloton Instructor)

I love, love, love that statement. For me it completely takes away the negative associations of “exercise and diet culture” and emphasizes a positive relationship with our bodies, the fact that we’re working with our bodies and conditioning them to be and do what we want them to do. [Note from NGS: Clearly I am not an athlete. LOL. I definitely exercise.]

12) Remember when you wished for what you have right now? (Robin Arzon, Peloton Instructor)

How is that for a little bit of perspective? We often are so goal-focused on things in the future that we forget to look at the progress that we have already made and celebrate those little milestones along the way.

13) What you’re not changing, you’re choosing. (Denis Morton, Peloton Instructor)

I am guilty of being a bit “indecisive” sometimes and this is a good reminder that not making a decision is a decision in itself. Think about if the consequences of a non-decision are the outcome that you want. 

14) Use your whole ass. (Jess King, Peloton Instructor)

Ok, this one is funny, right? I might have snorted the first time I heard it. You know how we say that people “half-ass” things? Well, if you decide to do something, do it right. Use your whole ass. And I couldn’t agree more. 

15) Being ready is a decision, not a feeling. (Jess Sims, Peloton Instructor)

If you wait around to be ready, some things are never going to happen. Decide to be ready for whatever is in front of you and tackle it with intention. 

16)  Shut up legs [or insert other words of choice here], you’re fine. (Unknown)

Sometimes we just have to give ourselves a little pep talk and get over ourselves. (I usually use this when things get tough during a run.) [Note from NGS: As someone whose spouse just had rhabdo, I don't know about this one...please pay attention and listen to your body!]

17) Someday you won’t be able to do this. Today is not that day. (Unknown)

This is a good reminder, friends, that everything is finite. Embrace what you have (or can do) while you have it. It won't always be so easy to get around. 

18) I run this body. (Dorothy Beal, run coach) 

This is another favorite mantra during runs. I am in charge of my body and my mind is stronger than my body. If you don’t believe you can do it, you probably don’t but if your mind game is strong, the body will usually follow.

19) Tough times don't last, tough people do. (Becs Gentry, Peloton Run Instructor)

When I am struggling through a workout, I like to remind myself that the pain and struggle are only temporary, but that it makes me a tougher person in the end.

20) Just breathe. (Pearl Jam)

One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands, and one of my favorite mantras. If in doubt, just breathe (through it). [Note from NGS: Meanwhile, I am singing a Faith Hill song. I think that this post definitely shows that San and I are very different people!]

Which mantra is your favorite? Which one can you see using in your life?

True Biz by Sara Nović

One of the prompts for the Pop Sugar Reading Challenge this year was to read a book by a deaf or hard-of-hearing author. I chose True Biz by Sara Nović as my entry for this prompt and I was immediately blown away.

Charlie is a teenage girl who was born deaf, but had a cochlear implant that didn't help much. She struggled in a traditional high school setting before she transferred to the River Valley School for the Deaf. The headmistress of the school, February, realizes that Charlie has basically been language-less for her entire life because she couldn't really hear English and she never learned ASL until arriving at River Valley. Meanwhile, Charlie starts dating Austin, the son from a legacy Deaf family. 

I mean, this book had its typical YA tropes - absent parents, kids getting drunk and smoking, kids just wandering around and not coming home at night - that really irritate me. BUT. I learned so much about Deaf culture and ASL as a language. There were mini-history lessons in the book so we could see the sorts of things Charlie was learning at school, and those history lessons covered how Alexander Graham Bell was an early opponent of ASL and about a student rebellion at Gallaudet University over hiring a hearing president. 

I learned about the differences between BASL, spoken mostly by black people, and ASL. I learned about how dangerous it is to be deaf in these modern times. I learned about the threat to Deaf education. I learned about the danger of cochlear implants and why they are controversial in the Deaf community.  I learned so much and it was done gracefully. If, like me, you know very little about Deaf culture, this is a great place to start. 

4/5 stars - It is a YA book, after all.

Lines of note:

Mel arrived with coffee and two bags of hot Cheetos, their preferred snack for stress eating. (page 224)

What's your stress snack?

...Charlie liked sex. And why shouldn't she? She strong-armed her body into countless unpleasant tasks each week: waking up when the morning was still blue, listening and lip-reading, circuit training in gym class, flossing. Shouldn't she be allowed to do something fun without being hamstrung by heirloom shame? (page 248)

Ugh. I'm such a prude. I want to scream at teens having sex. I mean, I know they do it. But! Why shouldn't she? Pregnancy, STIs, and heartbreak all come to mind. I want to be all sex-positive like the cool people, but I am an old fuddy duddy.

Hearing people turned aggressive so quickly, at even a momentary failure to respond, so sometimes Austin gave them the kind of answer they wanted, albeit loud and slurred. "Deaf" was a mercifully easy word to say, and he pointed to his ear and said it now. The driver reddened, handed Austin back the five, and motioned for him and Charlie to sit.

It was hard to imagine what the world might be like if deaf people had as short a fuse about hearing people's inability to sign, their neglect or refusal to caption TV, or, hell, the announcements on this bus. (page 288)

This was a powerful passage, I thought.

Hat mentions:

Charlie hung her grandmother's coat - a burgundy fur she really hoped was fake - on the hat rack and followed her in. (page 215)

Out on the street, Slash unzipped his backpack, pulled out a fistful of wooly hats, put one on his own head...

He pulled the fold of his hat down over his face to reveal a full ski mask. Charlie unrolled the hat in her hands... (page 231)

...scrolled through the Instagram deluge of his classmates' pets coerced into wearing Santa hats. (page 273)

She found him beside the ghost light, fussing with the feather in his hat. (page 318)

Nice hat, her father said, motioning to the headlamp. (page 319)