My Ethos

It comes up routinely in my volunteer work.  "What would YOU do if you were me?" a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault asks, sincerely wanting an answer.  But the best I can do for them is what I consider a trite and overused "it doesn't matter because I am not you and our circumstances are different" that I frequently rehearse in the mirror so I don't make THAT FACE, that bitch face that appears without my knowledge all too often.  Because I do know what I would do.  I've been involved in this community for a long time and I have contingency plans for all kinds of horrific events in my life  and contingency plans for my contingency plans.  I try not to judge folks if they make different choices about what they will do, but, and I hate this about myself, I DO judge them.

I've been working on that judgmental side of myself.  For several years now, I've been attempting to focus on the idea that just because someone doesn't do something the way I would do it doesn't mean that they are wrong.  Everyone has different priorities and life experiences and just because mine are familiar and work for me doesn't mean that they would work for everyone.  This is what I tell myself. And sometimes it's easier than others.

Someone is road rage-y around me when I'm driving?  I try to imagine that they're in a hurry because of something super important like their husband/wife/parent/pet/child/best friend is in the hospital or they're late for an important interview.  Someone makes a life a decision that seems weird to me (marriage/divorce/jobs/moving/whatever) and I try to frame it as a decision that makes sense to them because obviously it does or they wouldn't be making those decisions, right?  Someone hates the new coat I bought (purple, knee length Lands End down coat - it's totally rad)? I really don't understand, but I'll try to somehow take your life into consideration and not get defensive about it.

But there are those other times the Judgy Me side comes out.  Why did they show up to dinner with three more people than were invited (happened at Thanksgiving - my MIL had plenty of food, but had to haul out an extra table when they arrived)?  Why did she decide to get pregnant while he was still looking for a job (it worked out because he DID get a job, but...)?  Why do people think gay marriage is a bad idea?  Why do those people leave their dog outside all day on a chain? Why did that chick on Facebook brag about getting her cat declawed (mutilated!)? (Okay, fine, I ended up giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she had no idea that she was doing something cruel.)

It is complicated. Sometime people do deserve the benefit of the doubt because they are going through something difficult.  Sometimes people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt because they are, at the core, jerks.  I try to err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt, though, because it makes for a happier me AND I hope that other folks give me the benefit of the doubt when I act like an ass.  It takes a lot less energy for me to just wave at the road rage-y person than it does to get upset and road rage-y back.

So I can see all the judgments flying out there in the universe from friends, family, and strangers when I talk about my life.  Buble is right - I feel like I'm living someone else's life - because the choices I've had to make in the last two years of my life are so foreign to me, decisions my 24-year old self would mock and question.  I wake up in the morning and wonder how I got here to a place where nothing is as I dreamed years ago, nothing is happy and safe, but everything is so perfect.  I am happier now, living in this town, broken leg and all, than I have been since college.  I don't know if you can tell that from my writing, but I am so happy.  I love my husband, my cat, and reading library book after library book.  I can't help but be defensive about my decisions because, damn it, they make sense to US, to me and to my husband, and aren't we the only ones who should care?  But, no, that's wrong, of course. Our family, our friends, and our colleagues also care.  But the judgments that come in from out of nowhere?  I want them to stop.  Don't I deserve the benefit of the doubt?  I hope so.  But if not, I want you to know that I am happy with our decisions and I am happy with our life.

Some Uncomfortable Truths (Wherein I Defend my Kitten and her Place on the Planet)

Uncomfortable truth #1:  Chances are pretty good I do not think your newborn is cute. I'm sorry.  They just...aren't.  Give them a few months to get some good baby chub and be less neck wobbly and I'll be all over those babies. But the new ones? I don't even really want to see your pictures.  Sorry.

(My SIL has a new baby.  He is...a newborn.  She went off on me about how she would never let her baby near my cat because of all the diseases cats have and I was horrified.  My kitty has a clean bill of health from the vet, including costly lab tests we ran because we got her from a farm and you never know, and Zelda never goes outdoors. Zelda will NOT give her baby (my nephew!) diseases.  I didn't try to convince her because reasoning with a new mother is usually not a great strategy, but I just want everyone to know that having a baby is no reason to get rid of your cats! It's not like my BIL and SIL are going to EVER come visit us so this whole thing is a bit of a non-issue that I have made into an issue because I'm awesome like that. Don't insult my cat. I don't have any children.  You have been warned.)

Uncomfortable truth #2: Our carpet has been vacuumed twice in the last three months. I am mortified, but I feel like nagging him about HOUSEKEEPING is the worst thing in the world.  I vow that while the boy is at work this week, I will vacuum, crutches and all.  It might take me hours, but a superficial vacuum run never hurt anyone.

(Another tangentially related story:  I was refilling the cat food.  Because every story MUST BE ABOUT THE CAT.  Anyway, as I was leaning down to put the bowl down, the cat startled me and I dropped the bowl, spilling kibble everywhere and just barely nudged my crutches, which were leaning against the wall. My crutches then fell, landing, of course, right on top of the cat.  I am hoping to avoid this sort of scene while vacuuming.)

Uncomfortable truth #3:  I have developed a new sense of entitlement.  See me?  Here with the crutches? Walking towards you? It is your responsibility, NOT MINE, to move out of the way.  I am injured.  You are able-bodied.  If you don't get out of my way, I will not be held responsible for my behavior. Or the swear words that will come flying out of my mouth.

Uncomfortable truth #4:  There is a person on my Facebook wall bragging about how she's going to get her kitty declawed tomorrow. I am horrified, but in my attempt to keep my Facebook light and fluffy, I am restraining myself from linking article after article about how cruel declawing is.  I'm not entirely convinced this restraint will last longer that it takes for me to post this.  When my friend gave me Zelda as a wee kitten rescued from a farm, the only two things he made me promise were that she would get spayed (done), but never declawed.  I can't fathom why anyone would get a kitty and then mutilate it.  (Damn. I'm so upset.  I am never looking at my Facebook wall again.)

Zelda says, "Declaw this, motherfucker." She has a serious swearing problem.

Uncomfortable truth #5: Dr. BB and I are going on a big trip with my mother and sister next month. I am beginning to realize that I am dreading this trip a lot.  This trip has been in the works for the better part of a year.  My mom is really looking forward to it and is excited to spend time with Dr. BB, but I realize that a trip to Target exhausts me right now.  Theme parks and lots of crowds do not seem compatible with my recovery.  Fingers crossed that by the time we get there, it won't be as bad as I think it's going to be.

Hearts and Stickers (The Blanket is a Bad Idea)

I bought the stickers to put on Valentine's Day cards. But then I had some extra. I put one on my boot, you know, to jazz it up. I brought the rest of them with me to see the inlaws.

The two-year olds went crazy. Stickers everywhere. You're welcome, brothers- and sisters-in-law.

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 Slowly I do more around the house. I unloaded the dishwasher yesterday. It took me half an hour, but I did it. Today I was refilling the kitten's food dish and I tripped on my crutch as I was putting the bowl back on the ground. Kibble went spilling everywhere. You're welcome, Zelda the Menace.

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 My sleep schedule is much better than it was, but it's still mildly out of synch with his. He wakes me up in the morning before he leaves, we do some brief exercises, and then he puts a blanket on me before he kisses me goodbye. The kitty, who has inevitably been a hyper crazyface before this moment, takes this as her cue to jump up on the blanket to take a nap with me.

But tonight I will stay up later than he does, the whole time knowing it is because I took that nap right after he left, reading with my Kindle light glowing a strange blue. You're welcome, Dr. BB.

January Books

Just remember I had a broken ankle.  I read all day.  So there are a lot of books here.  

Warning: There are some minor spoilers about a couple of books in the first review.

The Water Mirror by Kai Meyer (library book) - I so didn't like this book.  It's aimed at grades 5-8, but somehow it was totally over my head. I actually didn't finish the last ten pages because I just didn't care.  It's the first book in a trilogy that I won't be finishing.  But have you ever read a book and even if you don't remember anything at all about the book, you remember a moment or a scene?  The carwash scene from Just Listen?  The scene in The Order of the Phoenix when Neville saves the gum wrapper? The scene in The Secret Garden when Colin stands up?  One of those scenes that you reread over and over and over again?  There is a scene like that in this book.  So it has that going for it.  Not my favorite book, though.

The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss (library book) - Just brilliant.  This book is wonderful. I was immersed in the world of Kvothe and found almost every page riveting.  A magical world that didn't feel phony or false, but true and beautiful.  It is the first book in a trilogy (do authors write stand alone books anymore?), but the third book has not been released, so if that's a dealbreaker for you, don't read it.  I just can't say enough good things about this book. I read all 672 pages in a couple of days (broken ankle - can't do much - don't judge me) and passed it on to my husband who has been ignoring me all day in favor of reading it. Just read it. Plus, Rothfuss is a lecturer in the University of Wisconsin system and I might have a secret I've been keeping from the Internet about that...

The Wise Man's Fear by Patrick Rothfuss (library book) -  This is the sequel to The Name of the Wind and it was LONG. Way too long. There are 350 pages in the book before the plot moves. There were times when the author would spend 200 pages on catching bandits in the woods and just a sentence (one single sentence!) describing a sea voyage that left our main character destitute and injured.  I enjoyed this book, certainly, and I will wait patiently for the third book to come out, but I don't feel the need to gush on about it the same way I did for the first book.

Bitter in the Mouth by Monique Truong (library book) - This book is what I wanted that awful The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake to be like. It's complex, complete, and moving.  Yes, it was hard to read at times, particularly when the dialogue was interspersed with the tastes the narrator associates with the words being spoken, but it was a delightful challenge to read.  Read this and don't read the dumb lemon cake book.

Linger by Maggie Stiefvater (library book) - This is the sequel to Shiver and the second of three books in the trilogy.  Honestly, I don't know what I think of this franchise. Teen vampire/witch/werewolf/faerie/zombie stuff is totally in my wheelhouse, my friends.  But here's the thing with this book - every two or three pages is told from a different character's point of view and only one of the characters had a distinctive enough voice that I didn't have to keep checking to see who "I" was. It drove me absolutely batty.  I will put the third book on my library list and if it's ever checked in and shelved correctly, I'll probably read it, but I'm not psyched about it at all.

Clarity by Kim Harrington (library book) - I hate it when people criticize with the trite "show don't tell" - it seems too easy. The criticism feels too easy, like, oh, I just don't like the writing style without any real substance.  It's teen lit (14 and up), but the writing in this book is much too transparent - if even I am requesting show don't tell, you can tell the writing style is way too simplistic.  I realize it's young adult fiction, but teenagers are young, not stupid.  I can't recommend this book.

The Boy Next Door by Meg Cabot (purchased for my Kindle)- Chick lit told through the emails of our characters.  It's a bit dated with jokes about Monica Lewinsky and Lisa Marie Presley marrying Michael Jackson and it's just not that good.  It has four and a half stars on amazon and I can't fathom how.  It has that whole "misunderstanding that could be clarified with two sentences if someone would just speak up" literary device that I dislike intensely.  I mean, this isn't a bad book, but not one I would necessarily recommend.

A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin (library book) - I guess this is a book everyone has heard of me except for me.  It's the first of a projected six volume epic fantasy series, the last volume of which has not yet been released.  While in Linger I was really ticked off because each chapter was told from a different character's perspective, here it didn't bother me because each character was unique.  What I think is the best about this book is that it's labeled as "fantasy," but the magic and trickery is so subtle that it doesn't scream fantasy.  I really liked this book, but there was a weird twist in the last few pages that seemed out of character with the rest of the novel and like the series may go in a much more fantastical direction than I would like.  But I will be putting the second book on my reading list!!

Winter's Bone by Daniel Woodrell (library book) - Pretentious bullshit.  That is all.

The Sweetest Thing by Christina Mandelski (library e-book) - I think I forgot everything about this book the moment I stopped reading it.  Not memorable at all. It  was, however, the first time I figured out how to get a library book onto my Kindle, so it had that going for it!

The 10 PM Question by Kate De Goldi (library e-book) -  I had to force myself to keep reading this book.  And then force myself again.  And then again. And it totally wasn't worth it.  Just no.

My Soul to Take by Rachel Vincent (library e-book) - Banshees and grim reapers and I felt like I was in a Rick Riordan novel with dysfunctional families that don't communicate. Plus, I felt like I was reading the pitch for the oh my god terrible, how did it get two seasons show Dead Like Me. I will not be getting the second book of this series.  The book was adequate, but just not for me.  Sorry, Rachel Vincent! 

The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America's Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson (library e-book) - Apparently this book is the shit because Obama took it with him on vacation.  It was on all kinds of bestsellers lists and even Janssen put it on a list of her favorite books of last year.  I can't agree with this fuss.  The whole time I was reading it, I was calling EDITOR, EDITOR, EDITOR.  It's a nonfiction book that follows three different folks in their migration from the southern US to northern cities interspersed with the author nattering on and on about the history of the exodus of blacks from the deep South.  I have lots of suggestions on how to make this book more reader friendly, including changing it so all the males aren't named George and stop repeating information. The topic IS interesting, but it got so repetitive after a while and the story lines were so disjointed I found myself confused quite frequently.  Just read the summary of this book and save yourself the time of reading all 600 pages.

Never Buried by Edie Claire (free Kindle download) -  A bit of a snooze, actually.  I remember reading it and then thinking that I was not going to remember enough about it to write anything.  I wasn't wrong about that.

Not What She Seems by Victorine E. Lieske (free Kindle download) - Speaking of snoozes...

The Things a Brother Knows by Dana Reinhardt (library e-book) - I can't say enough good things about this book.  Little known fact: I was an Army brat. I was born and raised on Army bases.  This book delicately addresses the issues of military families and what they go through when their family member is deployed.  It's not just the soldiers who go to war.  I didn't know what this book was about when I checked it out of the library because if I had even read a blurb I would have dismissed it as uninteresting and not my style, but I'm so glad I read this book. 

Story of a Girl by Sara Zarr (library book) - Eh.  Good, but not great. It was a National Book Award finalist, but, eh.

Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead (library book) - The first book in what appears to be a series of six novels.  Derivative and riding on the coattails of the success of that horrible Stephenie Meyer Twilight franchise.  I'm not sure what all the fuss is over this book.  I've heard rumors that the series gets better as it goes on, so I'll put the next book on my library list. It gets one more shot.

Things I Like (or, what I would like to buy if I could go on a shopping spree from Etsy)

Things that are making my life so very much better right now:

1) Mocha from our local coffee shop. I spend a lot of time debating what flavor shot to put in my mochca.  My favorites right now are coconut and caramel.  Not super creative, but delicious!!

2) These fluffy balls that are my kitten's favorite toy du jour.  She carries them around in her mouth around the apartment like prey, throws them up in the air and jumps to catch them, and she'll play goalkeeper with my husband if he kicks them toward her.  Hours of endless entertainment for the kitten.  She actually prefers these to the laser pointer right now.  I bought mine at Target - if you have an eight-month old kitten, I'm sure she'll love these toys.

3) My Guardian crutches.  I cannot even tell you how liberated these crutches make me feel. I went to Target yesterday and we even walked around browsing (!) for awhile.  When I told people that I was switching from a walker to crutches, EVERY person told me, "oh, it will hurt your armpits."  No.  Only if you're using your crutches incorrectly.  Your hands and wrists should absorb most of the impact.  Plus, my awesome crutches have a pad on top that absorbs some impact.  Plus, it's winter! I'm wearing lots of layers of clothing.

I am faster on crutches. I can stand erect and not be hunched over.  Bonus!  It's possible these crutches may be the greatest thing for my recovery.

4) Choxie dark chocolate espresso beans are the entire reason I forced myself to go to Target yesterday in the first place.  They are delicious and I've been craving them for weeks.  I'm pretty sure the boy would never have been able to track them down if I'd told him what I wanted, so I had to go get them myself.  The 4.3 ounce package claims that it has two and a half servings in it, but I can only eat about five or six of these at a time. They are rich and, ummm, espresso beans - too many and you'll be a jittery Jill!


Things I would love to have if I could go on a shopping spree:

1) This print from birdAve's Etsy shop. I miss Minneapolis more than you will ever know.

2) This recycled sweater skirt from Uncommon Goods.  But it's such a crapshoot. I could get a gorgeous skirt like this one OR I could get one that is as hideous as the other skirt that is shown on the UncommonGoods web page.  I'll never bite the bullet and get one, but I'll always kind of want one.

3) This great tunic from the True Rebel Clothing Etsy shop.  It's just so pretty...

Anything on your wish list?

The Last Time

I rode in the passenger seat of the car today, all the way to the library and back.  The last time I sat in the front seat of a car was December 4.

He has been home for the last three days, unable to do more than croak out words due to some nasty sickness that has invaded his body.  The last time he called in sick was...never, that I can recall.

I had a dream that I was striding down the aisles of Target, bitching because I couldn't find what I was looking for.  The last time I was at Target was before Thanksgiving.

The doctor suggested I started putting more weight on my leg as he handed me some crutches.  The last time I used a walker instead of the crutches was over a week ago.

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It's so easy to mark time this way right now.  The last time I did this. The last time I did that. 

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Some guy came in to do some work on our apartment. He needed to be in the bedroom and office.  Our cat is not allowed in those rooms (something to do with her compulsively chewing electrical cords), so I scooped her up and carried her into the bathroom.  Sure, carrying her while maintaining my balance on the crutches was challenging, but I did it.  This is the first time I'd picked her up and carried her against her will in months.

The boy has not been feeling well.  He was down for the count one night and I went into the kitchen and somehow managed to put together a meal of sorts.  I have made some very simple meals for breakfast and lunch by myself, but this was the first time I had any impact on the evening meal in months.

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I think it's all in how you phrase it.  I'm going to start thinking in first times instead of last times.

You Seldom See Slattern Used in Contemporary Fiction

Things my husband knows now that he didn't know before I broke my ankle:  which clothes get dried and which ones get hung up to dry, what kind of tampons I use, how utterly screwed up the shelving system is at our local library, how frequently I get a mocha with a shot of caramel flavoring from our local coffee shop, how annoying it is when the kitty climbs into the litter box when you are in the midst of cleaning it, and how it feels to be kicked by a super heavy boot in the middle of the night.

Things I know now that I didn't know before I broke my ankle: while I am not one of those annoying, must be doing something at all times people, I find forced idleness to be stifling and oppressive; my pain tolerance is quite high; I can not walk by a piece of cardboard torn off of a box we have given the kitten to play with lying (I just spent five minutes wading through grammar sites trying to determine if it should be lying or laying - please correct me if I'm wrong) on the carpet without freaking out and desperately wishing I could run the vacuum; I drink approximately two and a half pitchers of water each day; the kitty really likes the black fleece blanket.

Things that have been super useful to have around:  Netflix on demand, electronic library book loans, and a laser pointer to keep the kitten occupied when I couldn't play chase the ball with her.  So I'm cheating a bit with the e-books from the library because (shhhhhh) I still have my library card from a place we no longer live that allows me access to way more e-books than our small local library.  So I'm able to request up to 3 ebooks from our local library and 15 from the library where I no longer live.  Perhaps it's not ethical, but I'm desperate for something to do here these days!

Things I really wish I could do RIGHT NOW: the chores the boy hates to do like vacuum, change the cat litter, and clean the bathroom; shower without assistance (I still need help drying off/getting clothes on damn it all); cook dinner; drive myself to places, especially the library; spend more than five minutes with my leg not propped up without feeling pain. 

Things that have been said in the last two days:  Kobe Bryant loses all three of his mansions in the divorce...I just don't feel bad for him; Wow! You seldom see slattern used in contemporary fiction; Uh, weren't we supposed to get up at 6? (as the clock read 6:29); She looks like the kitten in that "hang in there" poster when she hangs on the chair like that; Do you think Newt Gingrich is attractive enough to warrant all this fuss over his sex life?.