Spoiling for a Fight

Our town had its holiday parade on chilly, chilly Saturday night. They were doing the staging in front of our house (the road was closed!) and I spent a good hour beforehand wandering around and watching people test music, lights, and sort through their candy. We met up with some friends and cheered and yelled and enjoyed the floats and horses, cows, goats, and dogs dressed up with lights. Our friends have a little one and it was fun to watch her get pumped for the candy thrown her way. It was great fun.

And then we went home.

We are going to be at Dr. BB's father's house for Thanksgiving.  Dr. BB's cousin is getting married on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so it doesn't make sense for us to do otherwise.

But the Christmas holiday is looming. We haven't made a decision yet about where we will be. I desperately want to stay home with our cat. I know that is not actually an option, but if I'm 100% honest, and why shouldn't I be, that's what I want.

My sister sent me a text message with a pointed note that I haven't spent a Christmas in Michigan since I got married. My husband has sent me pointed messages that he wants to be there to support his father in the first Christmas since his mom died.  This is not a NEW topic of dispute about the holidays (this post is from FIVE YEARS AGO complaining about the same thing), but I honestly don't want to have it out again in an argument when I'm left crying at the end. I KNOW that I'm going to say something along the lines of we didn't go see my mom the first year after my dad died and it's wrong and it's mean and the circumstances are so different, but part of me is incredibly resentful of all of the time we've spent with his side of the family this year. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it, but damn it, I would like to see MY side of the family, too.

I think we might actually split of up for the holidays.

It's SO hard for Dr. BB to eat when we visit my family. The kitchens cannot be trusted, so he ends up eating yogurt and sandwiches with lunch meat the whole time we're there. This food thing is actually the main reason we so rarely go anywhere and I'm sympathetic about it, I really am. I just wish that it wasn't so hard.

I don't want to be away from the most important person in my life on Christmas. I really don't. But I also really don't want to have to deal with screaming children and emotionally volatile adults on Christmas either. So here we are. Deadlocked. Again.

I haven't even talked to him about it this year because I know what he's going to say. And I know what I'm going to say. The only thing I don't know is what we'll actually do.