1. I really left you guys on a cliffhanger last week. The software did not get fixed, we had to manually register students. Honestly, I found the whole day exhilarating. I was useful. I was cheerful. The students were so nice and they had NO IDEA this wasn't completely normal. At one point, my boss just pointed at me and said "NGS will fix it" and I DID FIX IT.
2. Let's talk about some of the hard stuff. I had a roommate in grad school who said you should always think of your life as a pie and when things are working in one area of the pie, they're not working in another. Ideally, your pie would be just equal slices, but it never is. Let's say my pie currently has five things: Housing, Work, Money, Loved Ones (Human), Pets. In an ideal world, everything would be 20%. Right now, my pie looks like this:
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a. My mom's situation is actually pretty good right now, but she has colon cancer and she's going to die. My sister and I still aren't really talking.
b. Dr. BB is not rebounding back from his rhabdo diagnosis. He is getting better, but he's pretty frustrated about not being strong enough to do certain things and that it's taking him so long to be able to resume what are normal activities for him.
c. Dr. BB's grandmother died last week. She was 102-years-old and it wasn't entirely unexpected, but the communication around the situation only made us all the more aware of the fact that the phone tree has been neglected since Dr. BB's mother died in 2017.
d. There's stuff going on with my own health. I have a perfectly innocuous lipoma (a fatty lump) below my right bra line. I've had it for about a decade. Well, it was innocuous until last weekend when I aggravated it somehow (maybe with a sports bra?) and now it's red and inflamed and seems to have doubled in size through swelling and it fucking hurts, so I'm sitting and standing weird to avoid it, but that's making my back hurt and my SIL the doctor looked at it and said it was fine, but it's in a tough spot because you should probably just wear loose clothing, but it's literally under my bra line and I am not a lady who can go without a bra. ANYWAY. There's that and some other stuff. Also, Dr. BB's brother tested positive for COVID right after the funeral on Monday after we'd spent a lot of time with him in close contact at the church, so now I want you to picture me wearing masks in my office like it's 2021.
I've been struggling with a lot about this, but look, it's all life and I'm going to be fine and Dr. BB's going to be fine. This will not last forever and someday, probably real soon, those numbers on the pie will be different and I'll be fretting about something else.
3. Work is sort of insane right now. I love it, honestly, I do. But all the last minute stuff is coming up and I have a college retreat all morning and then back to back to back meetings with students who need to repeat courses and I still have not yet published my courses to the LMS. And yesterday a brand new course was handed to me and the LMS page is a whole lot of nothing. And the kicker is that we're going to be out of town all weekend so if it doesn't get done by the end of the day today, it's not getting done. What are the odds of my success, friends?
4. But look! I have cute pets.
That's all. I'm sorry this was so depressing. Things are FINE. Things will be FINE. My life is currently one big mess, but it's going to be FINE. In three weeks, this will all be a thing of the past.
How are the slices of your life pie? Please feel free to complain in the comments!
You have cute pets Hannah and Zelda are the cutest OMG I am so sorry about your lipoma and Dr. BB Rhabdo and his gran and gosh, Engie-- I am so, so sorry about your mom and your sis that's a lot of stuff, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI know you'll climb on top of the LMS stuff though and that you'll look across at Hannah and Zelda feel a lift. Things WILL be fine. There WILL be a time after this time. I'm sending you a ton of good wishes and love. XOXO
Blogspot ate my spacing, so the comment looks psycho, but basically sending you good thoughts. <3
DeleteOkay, the LMS courses have been published. At least week one is done and I can not worry about it for another few days! Whew! Your comment looks fine. There are no spacing issues!
DeleteYou are so good at your job, Engie, I am so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteThe health and family stuff. I am so sorry. That's so much. If you ever want to talk my late FIL had colon cancer, so I can really empathize. Also, I wondered if you and your sister were talking or not, I'm sorry that it's the latter.
The lipoma sounds absolutely painful. I am also not a lady who can go without a bra and so I can imagine how painful that must be. I hope the inflammation eases up for you. With everything else that's going on, too.
I also wondered how Dr BB is doing, I'm sorry he's not rebounding quickly.
Sending lots of good thoughts your way and hoping that things start to settle down and your pie changes.
I honestly have not worn a bra now for a few days and I have to admit that it's a weird new world. Are people noticing I'm not wearing one? Are they judging me? I am unsure about my place in the world re: bras right now.
DeleteThe software doesn't work but NGS does! I love it when I can get work done in situations where the deck is stacked against me.
ReplyDeleteDoggo is a big piece of my pie right now. I feel like she's starting to calm down from her latest teenage rampage and we're seeing a preview of the calm adult dog that will be the norm someday. Woof! The boredom of my job and some relationships are the problem slices. Oh well.
I feel like I've had an owie on my bra line at some point in my life, and it's not nice. Let's hope that the ol' covid stayed at the funeral. I feel for Dr. BB not being back at full capacity yet. When I get sick I always have a lag between the time my symptoms go away and my energy comes back, and it's so frustrating not to have the energy. I hope that your mom's situation stays good for as long as it can and that your sister will get her stuff together. I hope for all of the good stuff to come your way - and for lots of Hannah and Zelda snuggles always.
I think we dodged the 'vid bullet. We tested before we left on Friday for our long weekend and were negative and we both feel fine (or as fine as adults do, you know). But we were at another family function this weekend, so fingers crossed we didn't get anything there, either!
DeleteI think I've complained enough on my own blog lately- I don't need to complain here!
ReplyDeleteEverything you mentioned is so, so hard. The situation with your mom is terrible, obviously. And I feel so bad for Dr. BB! I can just feel his frustration. And then like that's not enough, you have the irritation of this lipoma. I mean- what are you supposed to do, not wear a bra? To work? I'm picturing you at work right now, frantically trying to get everything done, and the whole time having the lipoma causing you pain. On top of everything else, you were exposed to Covid. At this point I don't worry about Covid anymore, I see at as just like a cold- but I can see how you and Dr. BB would like to avoid it, especially since he has a lingering health issue right now.
Well... I have no amazing words of wisdom. But I'm glad you shared this. Everyone reading your blog cares about you and is hoping for good things for you. Hang in there- as Nicole says, there WILL be a time after this.
I hope the weekend trip is something fun!
I don't usually worry about COVID much, either, to be honest, but this was a direct contact for an extended period of time with someone at their most contagious, so...I took precautions because there are people in my office who have health concerns and I want to protect them. But, man, I forgot how annoying masks were!
DeleteOh, Engie. I'm so sorry that there are things dragging you down right now. You can't solve the problems of people that you love. There are unknowns looming. You aren't even at your own physical best. All of that just sucks.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you have the Personal Wins to fall back on that you do. You're so well-placed in your job. People there know it and appreciate you. You really shined when the whole scheduling system went haywire. And you've shown up big for your family in spite of tensions.
Maybe while your lipoma is angry you can find a few stretchy, spandex camisoles? And wear some looser tops so that the look is work-appropriate? Or have Dr. BB wrap an Ace bandage around your torso a bit to alleviate the bra-on-lipoma contact?
Finally, the photo of Hannah is so endearing. Thank goodness for Pet Therapy. Please take the weekend to rest. We all want the very best for you.
I think my strategy for going braless at work right now is just layers. Cami under dress under jacket. And hope no one notices! Argh. It's so inconvenient!
DeleteI am still thinking of you and hoping for a) negative COVID tests, b) a miracle re: your sister, sigh, c) smooth student meetings today AND remembering that you are AMAZING at your job (we'll all remind you, regardless), d) a Canvas miracle, too, while I am at it (maybe a fully-set-up site just...appearing?), e) a NICE seltzer sometime today (treat yo'self, woman), f) that covering the nasty lipoma (seriously, why now, lipoma?) helps, and g) snuggles with those cute pets after work. Oh, and h) an upward trajectory for Dr. BB. I have been there. It will smooth out. But being in the middle sucks. Thinking of you, my friend. <3
ReplyDeleteHa ha! I mostly enjoy that I kept you updated via text about the lipoma/cyst situation over the weekend. I'm sure you were sooo excited for those!
DeleteMy wife has a supposedly innocuous lump above her bra, so I guess that is better.
ReplyDeleteABOVE the bra would have been fine! Much better! Oh, well. I shall persevere.
DeleteIt seems like you have not been at your job for all that long but look how essential you are and I imagine you are very appreciated since your boss could be like - "NGS will fix this" meaning it's off her plate (this is totally how I feel about a lot of stuff I give to my eager employee who is happy to have a lot of autonomy and to be given things to handle without me checking in on it).
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about the health issues, though. That is a tough place to have an issue as most of us cannot go braless!! And the situation with your sister makes things extra difficult. Gah.
I hope that Dr. BB is fully recovered soon. That is a long recovery and it still seemed like he shouldn't have gotten rhabdo with the level of activity he was doing... Poor guy!
I'm sending lots of hugs!!
Thank you for the hugs! Things are looking better for me after the long weekend and I'm ready to face some of this other stuff head on.
DeleteSorry you're going through a sucky time!! It's never fun when one thing is hard, but when they all start piling up it's extra extra bad! Thinking of you and sending tons of good vibes!!
ReplyDeleteIt does seem like when it rains, it pours. Oh, well, someday this will be a distant memory and I'll be whining about something new!
DeleteI'm sorry things are sucky right now! And I think your spot on with the pie chart. Everything is arguably fine here except I wake up every night for a few hours with my head buzzing through things to do or conversations to have or questions or I-don't-even-know-what. And I'm meditating and working out and doing all the good things and then the night awake happens night after night and it's driving me insane. But other than that things are fine. And eventually I'll be tired enough to sleep hopefully? And then I realize that complaining about not sleeping on a blog of a person with both health and family issues probably makes me a big jerk, but hopefully the invitation to complain was real, because there's my complaint.
ReplyDeleteyou do have really really cute pets. and I hope you don't get covid. And I hope the future is nicer, and the nicer future comes soon.
I did really want people to complain! Not sleeping ruins EVERYTHING!!!
DeleteOh Engie - I'm so sorry. Life can be a mixed bag, can't it. Hope everything resolves quickly - particularly in the health arena for the two of you. Since you asked, right now my slices of life pie are all over the place. But like you, I'm sure they will eventually re-center themselves.
ReplyDeleteYes, I do hope everything eventually re-centers for you and you find most stability. It's rough when things are complicated.
DeleteOh dear! That is tough. Why do things always seem to pile on at the same time? I'm really sorry about your mum and that you and yuor sister are not in a good place. That is really tough. Sending hopes that you and Dr BB have a speedy recovery from here and don't catch COVID. Lucky you have your pets, they can be such a comfort when things are rough.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how people with pets do it! Like, what do you cuddle when you need a mental break?!
DeleteI went to a seminar once where instead of a pie, they used a table analogy. Each area of your life is one leg of the table, like work and health and family, and if one is wobbly, you can manage, but if more than one wobbles, that's when you really struggle. You've got a lot of wobbly legs right now and I'm so sorry. What a pile-on! I'm glad the work craziness went as well as it did, at least. And of course the cute pets are such a help!
ReplyDeleteOh, that's a great analogy. My table is still standing, but if someone hits another table leg, I may be down for the count. Fingers crossed that doesn't happen.
DeleteSending you a hug. 😘
ReplyDeleteThanks, friend.
DeleteOh man! What a pile of sh*tty life things that has been handed to you right now! The only way out is through - but it seems like a really hard "through".
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where my life slices are currently. I'm in that "between jobs and don't wanna adult" phase of my work/life cycle. It's like someone handed me a basket of apples and I've lost the recipe for the pie. So the apples are just sitting waiting and I don't feel like looking for the pie recipe, but if I don't find the pie recipe, the apples will rot. That might be a terrible analogy.
I hope you fix the things you can fix and hug the people and animals you can hug and find moments to breathe about all the rest of it.
In between jobs is such a bad place to be, isn't it? You want to enjoy the time and freedom and flexibility, but you're forced to look for the next job AND vaguely worry about money all the time. I hope this time is over soon!
DeleteIn times of churn, I try to remind myself that even though things are going to be fine (because they are, at some point), it's also ok to sit with the mess and say things are sh!! in a moment, too. Because they are and that sucks when it's all around. Sending you and Dr. BB all the "get through" thoughts and am glad we have the new season of Taskmaster in a few weeks to distract us (even if the new seasons aren't quite like the old seasons, but that's ok because they're still great). PS: so glad I figured out this Chromebook Google login and can comment again!
ReplyDeleteOh, there will be a new TM soon!! That's really a joyful thing to look forward to.
DeleteI like the pie visual. I'm sorry that your slices aren't more equal. I hope that Dr. BB starts to feel more like himself and your painful lumpy area resolves itself/settles the heck down. Having an ill parent is so hard. It can be so stressful when siblings aren't on the same page, or don't communicate well. I wish I has something helpful here, but I don't. Sorry that you and your sister aren't talking. You do have cute pets. My pie is just lots of busy stuff, but I think with school back in session we will all get into a routine, and I'm here for it. xo
ReplyDeleteErnie, my confusing life is nothing compared to yours! I feel like my complaints are a drop in the bucket compared to what you're dealing with. It's probably best for me to get some perspective like that.
DeleteThe pie concept makes a lot of sense to me. But wow, Engie, I'm really sorry you are having such a rough time in the health and family spheres (slices?). It sucks and it's okay to admit that and to feel the associated feelings of anxiety and helplessness and anger etc. I am very glad that work is giving you some bright spots, though, and that you have your fuzzy friends to cuddle.
ReplyDeleteI wallowed in the suck last Thursday and Friday and have rebounded. I am in a better place now and think I owe it mostly to Hannah and Zelda.
DeleteArghhh sorry your are struggling right now. But don't apologize for complaining. I think we've all been doing that one time or the other. It helps to write it down getting it out of the system.
ReplyDeleteHope things will be looking up soon. Things will be FINE.
And your pets bring you joy. Thats so great.
Things will be FINE! Surely they can't get much worse.
DeleteI'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. When I'm stressed, I always tell myself things are fine, but my body knows differently. Maybe the lipoma is flaring up because of all the stress. I've had the strangest physical things happen to my body as a result of stress. I'm sending you good thoughts and positive energy! And hooray for cute pets!
ReplyDeleteYES! It has to be a stress response. Bodies are so stupid about how they handle stress.
DeleteOof, Engie. You do not have to apologize. You have a lot going on right now and it's totally ok to not be ok right now (although you say you will be and Dr. BB will be and yes, you will). I am so sorry about your mom's diagnosis and I feel for you because of your relationship to your sister. Sigh. That's tough sh*t and I am sorry.
ReplyDeleteI hope you'll feel better and Dr. BB too. There's always cute pets (and I can only imagine how much that helps!).
You're right, San. I shouldn't apologize. I just try to keep things relatively light around here because the world is sometimes dark. But it's real life and I should be able to talk about it here (if not here, where else?), so there's lesson in there for me.
DeleteYou are really in one of those valleys of life, aren't you? It's not enough to be dealing with your mom's cancer, but also your husband's medical issue and now this lipoma?! What is going on?! I need the universe to lay off you for a hot second PLEASE.
ReplyDeleteAlways know that we are here for you and you never have to apologize for being honest about the suckiness of life. We all do it!
You're right! This is a sucky time of life and it's okay for me to acknowledge that. But be prepared for less whining in the next few weeks.
DeleteUg! There's a saying somewhere that I'm probably going to butcher but it's something about when something hard/bad/sad happens, do all of the other hard/bad/sad stuff so it will be in one big bad group and then you can move onto the happier things. It seems like you are knocking them all out at once, which hopefully means that soon down the road you are going to have some wonderful stuff happening!
ReplyDeleteI do hope that the piling on stops soon! It's out of control up in here.
DeleteI'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. Sending you lots of love and hoping you and Dr. BB feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks, friend. I think we're both on the mend already.
DeleteI'm sorry-- this is all a lot. I hope you are at least getting a nice bonus to teach the extra class.
ReplyDeleteSarah! It's even better! They changed my BASE PAY because I'm technically coordinating the program associated with the class. This is unheard of UWW, to be honest.
Delete102? Wowza, Grandma had a long life, that is amazing. It's a pity the phone tree has died with your MIL; that does happen.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry about your Mom's prognosis, made even worse by the communication thing with your sister. And your below-the-boob-bump; yikes. Can it be removed? I mean, it sounds aggravating and uncomfortable. And Dr. BB, I mean, he went through something really big, it's going to take time. Patience isn't always the easiest trait to pull out when needed, I get it.
I'm sorry you are going through so much not-fun-stuff right now and I hope things improve in as many areas as can happen.
Yes, the cutest pets ever. XO
Yes, Grandma had a long life and was well-loved. It was a celebration of life, to be sure!
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