Five by Five by Five

For a brief period of time, I wrote up a Five by Five Friday roundup on this blog in which I'd write about five musings/things that happened to me that week. I stopped doing that because it was actually challenging to write five things every week.  Anyway, Life of a Doctor's Wife and Stephany Writes have been writing lists of five things: things I miss, some of the things I don’t miss, and some of the things I’m grateful for.  Because it's me, I'm also going to add some things I worry about.

Things I Miss

1. Teeth cleaning. I get my teeth cleaned every three months. My periodontist cancelled a regularly-scheduled cleaning very early in this mess in early March and my teeth feel gross, there's visible tartar, and I'm super embarrassed about the whole thing.  I swish, I floss, I proxybrush, I brush brush, but there's nothing like a deep cleaning for the spaces I just can't get to.

2. Taking my time at the grocery store. Going to the store feels like such a battle. I'm always trying to rush, so I'm not inconveniencing other people who also may want to look at the hummus selection.  This means that, despite my comprehensive list-making before arriving at the store, I frequently just forget things because I'm in a rush.  I miss just feeling like I can take twenty seconds at the end of the produce section to triple check that I'll have enough crunchy vegetables to get me through lunch.

3. Going to book club. We have done a meeting over Zoom and we're going to do another this weekend, but it's just not the same. It's great, for sure, to see these people and know they're healthy and still making do, but there's nothing like hearing one of our book club people laugh (my friend Laura has a GREAT laugh) and contagiously laughing because she's laughing and even if you don't know why she's laughing, you just can't stop. That just doesn't happen on Zoom.

4. Food rewards.  We never have been bar or restaurant people because of my husband's dietary restrictions. I pack my lunch 95% of the time and if all the bars closed in the state, we'd be just fine. But I would occasionally reward myself for certain things. After a job interview, I'd go to the coffee shop and get a milk steamer with a shot of pure sugar syrup. After a week of consistent interviews, I'd let myself get a grilled cheese sandwich at the local sandwich place. If I had to sit through an interminable meeting at the student union, I'd get a fro-yo beforehand.  I don't know when I'll ever feel comfortable getting those things every again. (We haven't done carry out and I have not used a drive through and I honestly don't know when/if I'll do those things.)

5. Browsing.  I haven't been inside a non-grocery, hardware, or pharmacy store since March 10. I went to Fleet Farm and Pet Smart looking for a training tool for the dog. If I had known it was the last time I'd go to a store, I feel like I would have gone to Target and just looked around.  I'm not big on just looking around stores, but I do feel like it would be nice to have the option, you know?

Things I Don't Miss

1. Traveling.  We would go visit family, on average, one or two weekends a month. I honestly don't miss it. I love the family Zoom calls and the limited time with our families.  I feel guilty about it, but I don't miss the time in the car, the time we spent worrying we'd say something wrong and someone would take offense, and I don't miss people judging our life choices at every turn. 

2. Rushing.  Sometimes I had tight turnarounds with very little time for transitions, particularly on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  I do not miss how harried I felt during those days.

3. Buying gas.  We've only filled up our gas tanks once and they were only to about half a tank. While we've been spending money on groceries like crazy, money spent for car maintenance is very low.

4. The yoga studio. Our yoga instructors have been doing classes via Zoom and it's fantastic for me. I've always been motivated to exercise at home and having a deadline of when and where to do it, but still being able to basically just roll out of bed and doing a workout has been amazing for me. I honestly don't think I'll be comfortable going back to the yoga studio until there's a widely available vaccine, but the Zoom practices are perfect for me.

5. Air conditioning.  I was always cold at my workplace. Now I can put on as many layers as I want and have a blanket draped over me when I'm working and no one says a word.  

Things I'm Grateful For

1. Time.  I'm so grateful to have time to just sit and pet my kitty, do a jigsaw puzzle, redo a face mask pattern eight times before I get it right, or take the dog for a long walk.  I have time and it's so precious and I'm not rushing around and it's been a wonderful cleansing time for me.

2. Space. We have a four bedroom house for two of us. We have a relatively large backyard. We have open parks and green spaces.  It has been a definite boon for my mental health that there's always a place for me to go if I want to get away.  

3. Technology.  Where would we be without phones, the internet, or automobiles?  I don't have to miss my family because I honestly see them more now via Zoom than I did before the pandemic.  I can work from home because of the internet.  I am grateful this happened in 2020 instead of 1990.

4. My support system.  My husband has been absolutely delightful during this time. We've been preparing for this every summer for a decade now.  My friends are quick with phone calls and texts.  I just really feel like there's no reason for me to feel too down because I am surrounded, metaphorically, with love and support.

5. Zelda the Can and Hannah the Dog:  I don't know what people without pets are doing with themselves right now.

Things I Worry About

1. State politics. The Wisconsin Supreme Court declared the governor's safer at home order unconstitutional and the Tavern League immediately sent out notices to bars to open up.  I worry about our state and stupid people harming others without feeling any sense of guilt or wrongdoing.

2. National politics. Will Trump win reelection in 2020? If he does, what will I do?

3. The fate of higher education.  There's a lot of research that suggests 15-50% of colleges and universities will close in the next five years. What if mine is one? What will we do? The Wisconsin's system president proposed a plan to the Board of Regents that includes program closures and possible school closures. What if my husband's department closes?  What if? What if?

4. My own anxiety.  What if I can never undo what the last two months have done to me psychologically? What if I can never bring myself to go to book club ever again, even when everyone else goes back? What if I never can go to a restaurant again? What if I never feel comfortable with anything social ever again?

5. My friends. My best friend's mom died yesterday.  I can't be there for her and it sucks.  I have another friend who is home alone all the time and she just sounds so depressed and down.  I don't know how to help her. I worry endlessly about them. What will they do? Are they coping?  What do they need?