Update #4: The Leg

Jenny asked, I answer.

Many years ago, I had a tib-fib fracture on my left leg. There was surgery, lots of screws and plates, and then I went on with my merry little life. But lately it's been causing me a lot of pain. It's also limiting my ability to do certain movements/exercises. And this is the thing that gets me more than the rest, which is unpredictable seizing up. I was in a fitness class and was happily skipping up and down the gym when my left ankle REFUSED TO BEND and I nearly fell over. This has also happened when I've been standing in front of a classroom, walking down stairs, and you know, just when I'm sitting around doing nothing. 

I went to PT and it helped with the pain, but I was essentially told that there's not much to be done about my range of motion. There are literal plates that hinder the angle at which my left ankle can bend. So this means running is not a great idea for me for exercise and there are various yoga poses I will never be able to do or, at the very least, not do without extreme discomfort. Because I tend to overuse my good leg, there is a definite difference in muscle tone between my left and right lower legs, so I have to be really careful when I'm doing bilateral work on my lower body to not do less with my left leg. Honestly, I have mostly switched to unilateral work so I can focus specifically on the left side. The x-rays show some arthritis, as was predicted when I first broke it, but not as much as they would have anticipated. 

I saw the local orthopedist and he gave me two options: surgery to undo the hardware and another surgery to replace the hardware (which would give me modern hardware, but no more mobility) or surgery to fuse the ankle in place (which is a great option for older people at times, but is the exact opposite of what I wanted). I gave myself the third option of PT. 

This same orthopedist is the one that "helped" my husband with his broken collarbone and literally lied in his documentation about a physical exam that he did not actually do on my husband - and charged insurance for this non-existent exam. The PT that I worked with gave me the names of other foot/ankle doctors who deal with complicated leg injuries like mine more often than the local ortho. (She did this sneakily and clearly felt some guilt while doing it, but also said that my repair is much more extensive than the average patient and the local ortho doesn't usually see anything like it. I like that she tried to defend him, but I'm over him.)

ANYWAY. 

I want to avoid surgery if possible. So for now I'm focusing on unilateral work. When I do too much and my leg hurts, I ice it and try to avoid doing those exercises again. I'm carrying around more weight than I should be and that's NOT helping. One of my goals will be to lose some of that weight in 2026, but I will be close-mouthed about that process here on the blog because there's nothing more boring than people talking about how restricting calories is hard. Don't get me started on the boringness of discussing macronutrients.

If, at the end of 2026, the combo of PT exercises, careful unilateral work to build up strength in my bad leg, and losing weight doesn't help with the pain, I'll make some phone calls to those other doctors.

But for now this is the plan. 

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Do you have any old nagging injuries? Have you ever done PT?

September Week Four Photo Roundup

Monday, September 22 - Meet Keifer. He is the naughtiest service dog I've ever met. I love him and will let him stick his whole head in my bag any time he wants to. Also, he can lick my toes. I don't care. 

I was at a panel that some of my colleagues were presenting and Keifer and his person sat next to me. It was the best place to sit at a Constitution Day panel ever. 

Tuesday, September 23 - One of my colleagues retired. Sad news, to be honest, because she was wonderful. On the bright side, I get to move into her old office, which is a vast improvement because IT HAS WINDOWS.  As soon as the technology guy moves my computer and phone, I'm going to be in the new office lickety split. 

Old office as I'm moving stuff out.

Wednesday, September 24 - Just saw this in my neighbors' yard and laughed so hard I thought I was going to have sit down. Some of this is because I have the mentality of a thirteen-year-old boy and some of it is because my neighbors are an adorable lesbian couple. 

Thursday, September 25 - Sometimes when I do my quarterly report for goals and I have to report that I have not done training with Hannah, I feel like maybe people don't understand that what I mean by that is that I have not taken 3-10 minutes with her and worked on obedience. But we are ALWAYS training. This following photo looks like a dog just sleeping on the steps, doesn't it? What happened here is actually much more impressive. 

She's anxious and reactive and always on guard. This is me sitting next to her outside with no expectation except that she stay within arms reach of me. She can walk around (there's no leash on her), she can sit next to me, she can lay down, she can chew a stick, whatever. We're working on a relaxation protocol here. She doesn't need this in in the house, where she's a rock star and lovely and chill, but she needs to learn that she can relax outside. 

And after weeks of sitting on these steps for 1-10 minutes a day (it really depends on how much of a time crunch I'm in and what the weather is like), she stood guard for a few minutes and then laid down and closed her eyes! Woot woot! Success! 

Now we'll keep practicing until she learns that she can trust me to keep watch. 

Friday, September 26 - Just both my girls hanging out in the morning sun.

Saturday, September 27 - Have you ever seen a happier dog? We did a family walk and Hannah was so pumped to be with both her people. 

Sunday, September 28 - I forgot to take a photo until I was walking Hannah right before bed. I tried to find someplace with some light, but it was dark outside. 

Monday, September 29 - It was gorgeous here in southeastern Wisconsin today. Highs NEAR 90. Who am I to do anything except bask in the sun?

This fountain is a central location/common meeting location on campus. 

Tuesday, September 30 - First thing this morning I had a periodontist appointment. Unfortunately, the chatty hygienist I usually have was working on another patient and my hygienist was all business. Oh, well. My teeth are cleaned for another three months.

Bonus photo - New office! Windows! Tiny plants near death that I'm hoping to resuscitate with love and sunshine! 

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Do you prefer a chatting hygienist (I do - it keeps my mind off what's happening) or to have one who is all business? Have you ever had a male hygienist? Would you do the annoying thing of moving offices if it meant an upgrade to windows?

Everything Is Awesome*

I did my annual well woman exam in late July, got my birth control prescription renewed, and thought absolutely nothing about that appointment again.

That is, I didn't think about it again until I was driving to my mom's memorial and I got a phone call from the clinic saying that I had an abnormal Pap smear result. I pulled over, made an appointment to do a follow-up colposcopy, and diligently listened to the nurse who insisted that I not Google anything. Instead, I texted my SIL who is a doctor and Anne, who has a doctorate in nursing. 

They reassured me and said that it was concerning, but a lot of people get abnormal Paps (and my HPV was negative), so don't worry about it until I had to worry about it. 

So I put it in the back of my head and didn't worry about it until they tried to reschedule it. 

The description they gave to me on the phone of the colposcopy was that they would use a microscope (see above) to look at my cervix and see if there were any irregular cells and if there were, they'd just biopsy them. No big deal. Not any worse than a regular pap smear. 

Friends, I get to the appointment and they start talking about how I had "atypical glandular cells of undetermined significance (AGUS)" and they were worried it was endometrial cells, so I was going to get not just a colposcopy with a cervical biopsy, but also a fun endometrial biopsy. This was not what I had been told on the phone. They were not just going to biopsy the surface of my cervix, but they were going to go all the way up to my uterus. 

Let me make things pretty clear to all of you. I have not had a child. I have not had an IUD. This procedure was the most invasive, painful procedure I have had done in my lady bits. I hesitate to tell you how much blood there was, but let it be known that they had to change the pad underneath me MULITPLE TIMES. 

Dr. BB had offered to take me to this appointment. I read the description I had been given about the procedure and I took some ibuprofen and said I was good to go. I later regretted this decision. The drive home was a bad dream. I felt like absolute trash with cramps I have not experienced since I was a teenager without the benefit of hormonal birth control to keep my menstrual pain in check. I basically laid on the couch for several hours afterwards and prayed for sleep and/or the removal of my abdomen. (I was fine within a few hours of the procedure, so don't feel too bad for me.)

Then I had to wait for the results. I was not pleasant to be around during this waiting period. 

And the results were good. Everything was normal and I just have to go back for a regular Pap in six months and maybe do regular Pap smears more often. 

I have since talked to several women about this and it has been SHOCKING to me the number of women who have said that they also have had abnormal Pap results. SHOCKING. Why aren't we talking about this? Why aren't we telling other women about this?

I'll tell you why. I was embarrassed about this. I thought I had done something wrong. I thought my wild twenties were coming back to haunt me. I thought I had brought this on myself by not dealing with stress appropriately this year and leaving myself vulnerable to viruses. I thought I was to blame.

So I decided to write this here in case it helps someone else. 

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*You know the reference, right? 

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What is the most amount of pain you have ever been in? (My answer is definitely when I had my first kidney stone.)

Five for Friday, Edition #28

1) Does anyone remember the Great Cookie Plan of 2025? Well, last weekend I made some of the brown butter sugar cookies (of course I made them gluten-free, blah, blah blah) and they were delicious. My husband really liked them and it was really easy to make. I also brought them to book club and the non-GF people also liked them. They're a hit! (Also, A LOT of butter and sugar.)

2) I want to talk about this because I feel like it's important, but I also kind of don't want to talk about it. I had a concerning health screening and today I'm going in today to do a follow-up and I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing, even though it should be fine. In the meantime, I'm sorry to be so vague. I promise that once I find out if it's fine/it's not fine, I'll be more open about what's going on. Maybe especially if it's fine so that everyone else can learn from my (what I'm learning is) common experience. 

3) This weekend is the big Labor Day extravaganza! I will bringing two salads. I am not overthinking this and I'm going to bring green bean salad and my regular green salad with berries. 

4) Tuesday was a bad day for me. I got a phone call about point #2 in which they tried to reschedule me. At first they were going to reschedule me for Wednesday instead of Friday, but when I asked a follow-up question, it couldn't be done on Wednesday, so they were going to push it back until mid-September. I may have started crying on the phone. She called me back and said she could do it later in the day on Friday. And then I got off the phone, sobbed for a bit, and took the day off on Friday. Today! I'm off!

With some perspective, I realize that my reaction was over the top, but here we are. 

5) Once more with a random photo collage from this week. No explanations will be given.

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For my American friends, what are you doing with your long weekend? For everyone else, do you think it's weird that I made sugar cookies outside of Christmas? 

Five for Friday, Edition #27

1) Once again, a huge shoutout to all of you for the continued outpouring of cards, packages, texts, emails, and everything else.  Your support really has meant everything to me. I vow that I shall pay all of your kindness forward.

2) I am probably not going to do a recap of my trip to California because, to be honest, it wasn't a great time for me. I was so worried about my mom and then my mom died WHILE I WAS AT THE WEDDING RECEPTION, and then we were there, but I was wishing I wasn't, and it wasn't great. There were highlights (the happy couple! the ocean! meeting J!), but I wasn't at my finest (a very public apology to J for not getting me at my best - in another time, I absolutely would have wanted to go to the beach to watch the kite surfers and search for seashells and done more than just a couple exhibits of the museum). 

If I'm being honest with myself, I do not know that I'll want to think much about this trip in the future. But here's a picture of me being me at the beach so you'll know I really was there.

3) Let's talk about my leg. Have you ever seen the x-ray? Let me find it and show it again. I had recent ones taken, but I don't know how to get a copy of those.

This injury took place in 2011 and over the years, as with the frog in the boiling water, I have started to have more and more problems with it.

I talked with an orthopedic surgeon who suggested two basic things: 1) remove all the hardware that is currently there, which would be a surgery more invasive than the original surgery, and then put in NEW MODERN hardware or 2) fuse the ankle so that it didn't it move. As you can imagine, neither of these options were appealing to me, so I set up some physical therapy appointments.

They haven't been magical, but they have been helpful. I no longer get out of bed and nearly fall over because the pain in my leg is too great. I am no longer taking Tylenol multiple times throughout the day. Can I run? Still no. Can I jump? I mean, sure, if I don't mind chewing Tylenol the next day. But as long as I don't do crazy impact things, I can do all the things. Let's call it a win.

4) I'm taking a page from Elisabeth's blog here and giving you some things that have made me happy recently. 

a. I had a giant, all day long presentation (in front of 100 faculty members of my college) on Wednesday and it's done. It went mostly well, but they were working on the HVAC system in the student union, so it was boiling in our room and I was sweaty upon sweaty AND SO WAS EVERYBODY ELSE. But it's done! And I never have to do it again.

Yesterday a lot of people came to my office to say that the training was super useful and helpful and that our team did a great job. I also had a few emails. I'm coming up on two years in my current job and I'm finally starting to feel like the faculty realize that I'm helpful AND I'm starting to feel knowledgeable. Our team is great, too. I was going to post of picture my boss took of me at the event, but there are too many other recognizable faces in it, so just imagine me looking like a boss lady (drenched in sweat) holding a microphone and having a hundred people staring at me. 

b. On Wednesday after that presentation I went to a yoga class at the community center and it was a mat class! No standing poses! Perfect since I'd been on my feet all day!

c. My SIL called me. That's it. That's the happy thing. She's really one of my favorite people in the world.

d. Birthday presents from my husband including some new earrings and a new yoga bag! A bit ago, I asked people for advice on a yoga bag that would carry my mat, blanket, two blocks, and a strap. Basically, people told me it was impossible and I gave up on my search. When I was at a class recently, someone had a PERFECT BAG and I asked them about the bag and then I asked for one for my birthday. (NOTE: That's an Amazon link. The company that makes the bag is a small business and when you go to their home page and try to buy directly from them, they send you to Amazon. I have accepted this as reality. Please don't throw eggs at my blog.) I have a blue bag. It is everything I have ever dreamed of in a yoga bag. (Okay, fine. Yes, I would prefer if it had a fun print or color, but you get what you get and you like it.)

You can wear it as a backpack or just have one strap slung across your back messenger bag style. 

It has a blanket, a mat, two blogs, and a strap, and you'll notice there's still room at the top. When I take it to campus to do yoga, I add my leggings to the bag. PERFECTION.

e) Zelda the Cat recently went on strike and refused to eat her food. I researched and researched and we started her on a new food and she loves it and I refuse to think about how expensive it is. But now both Hannah and Zelda are eating WITHOUT ANY ISSUES and this has been so rare that I'm loving every meal time. 

5) I'm just going to leave a photo collage of the last several days here with no explanation, in the style of Allison.

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When's the last time you were at a beach? Do you have a recent purchase that makes you happy?

Check Your Boobies

Last week I had my annual mammogram. I have been a pill about mammograms in the past (WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT EVERY DAMN YEAR?), but I do want to take this opportunity to tell all of you that you should be doing all the cancer screening that is appropriate for you.

It took me less than twenty minutes from the time I pulled into our hospital parking lot to get back into the car and head out. 

Things you might not have thought about as "cancer screenings" include skin checks, eye exams, and pap smears. Obvious ones include mammograms, colonoscopies, and prostrate exams. If you don't know what tests or exams are right for you, ask your doctor. 

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When was your last cancer screening? 

Five for Friday, Edition #22

Warning: Number 1 is gross. Frankly, number 3 is kind of gross. Maybe this is a gross post.

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1) In the March What I Spent post, I mentioned that at Hannah's annual exam, we had a couple of her bumps and lumps examined. One was on her haunch and it had grown pretty quickly in the last few months, but it didn't seem to irritate her. The vet basically said it was the equivalent of cystic acne and if it didn't bother her, just leave it alone. 

Well, that went well until we woke up one morning to find that she had BIT IT OPEN. WITH HER TEETH. BIT IT OPEN WITH HER TEETH. Egads. So we put on her Thunder Shirt to keep her from poking it at it while we went to work because we had no other solution. When I came home, it was clear that the Thunder Shirt had not accomplished this goal. I put on some gloves and squeezed all the pus and blood (THE SMELL) out and cleaned it and then we went to the pet store where we bought a cone of shame. She's now coned up when we can't watch her because it's going to drive her crazy as it scabs over and heals up. 

It's no big deal, I don't think. As long as we can keep it from getting infected, it's going to be fine.

On the good news front, we have switched her to a new probiotic and it seems to have relieved a lot of her post-dinner tummy woes. I am so pleased with this and hope that it keeps up. 

2) Look at all the snail mail from my friends! I love how happy my mailbox has been recently. 

3) Feminine hygiene discussion alert. I am a woman who menstruates. I use a combo of pantyliners and tampons. I recently purchased a giant box of Tampax tampons (with plastic applicators) from Costco. For those of you who don't use tampons, let me set the scene for you. The kind I have purchased looks like the one in blue below. You basically insert the plastic applicator up your vagina and remove the plastic part, leaving the cotton in your body to absorb fluid. 

The problem is that in this box of tampons, maybe one-quarter to one-third of them have something WRONG with the applicator. I had one where one of the plastic teeth was bent at a 90 degree angle. I had another where it looked like a saw had been taken to the smooth round end. I had another where there was no plunger part to the applicator. 

I am terrified to use them. That is all. 

4) Last Friday night, Dr. BB and I went to an exhibit opening at the Madison Museum of Contemporary Art because one of our friend's art was chosen to be displayed. Date night for May accomplished on the second day of the month! Woot woot! The exhibit was fabulous and I instantly followed a couple new artists on Instagram. Oh, and there was another amazing exhibit by an artist named José Lerma where he painted these amazing faces with layers of thick of acrylic, so when you're standing right by the image, it's hard to see what it is, but as you move further and further away, it turns into an obvious face. If you're in Madison anytime soon, the exhibits at the MMOCA are amazing right now and admission to the museum is free. 

While there we chatted with my friend and his wife and congratulated them on how all his hard work is paying off. We also met up with a couple of other folks from our town who were there. As we were talking, the conversation kept veering towards the nasty news of the day. And guess who kept trying to veer the conversation towards happier, most positive things?

IT WAS ME.

My friend's wife even asked if I had turned over a new stone and I was a bit surprised when my husband piped up and said, "it took a second Trump term for her to become an optimist."

I'm trying so hard, friends. I could easily doomscroll and worry that my Canadian friends think I'm a terrible American and that if I travel outside of the US I won't be allowed back in, worry about stateless American children who are getting deported without due process, worry about war, poverty, and abuse, worry about my mother's health situation, worry that Hannah will eventually learn that I am not the coolest person in the world, worry about what is going to happen to this next generation of children who will not have jobs and won't ever learn how to read or write thanks to AI. I could.

But instead I focus on what's in front of me. Who can I help today? What can I dance to? How can I make someone laugh? Whose accomplishments can I celebrate? 

I worry about toxic positivity and I promise I won't ever be one of those people. But I am going to do my best to keep it as light as I can when I can.

5) On that positive note, on Sunday evening I washed all the winter clothes and put them away for the season. We changed from flannel sheets to regular cotton ones. I put Hannah's boots in the hall tree. I have worn sandals every day this week even though it has still been in the 40s in the morning. Temps are supposed to get in the 80s today and stay that way into next week. It is full sunlight when I walk Hannah in the morning and the sunset is after 8pm. SO MUCH SUNLIGHT.

Cold weather season is over!!!!

AND! There is stuff on the calendar that I am looking forward to. I have 20 hours of leave I need to use before July and I took off the day after Memorial Day and a random day in May. AND! Bestest Friend and I bought plane tickets for a long weekend together in July. 

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Is cold season over for you? Are you as pumped as I am for the warmer weather? Do you have gross stories you'd like to share with me? Do you have anything on the calendar to look forward to?

The Fainting Thing

Elisabeth recently had a post about things she's never done. One of them is that she's never fainted. This is unfathomable to me since I faint pretty regularly. Noteworthy times I've fainted.

1) I cut the inside of my middle finger on my left hand with a broken glass when I was a child. I immediately fainted (landed on a carpeted floor), came to with my father carrying me to the bathroom, fainted again in the dining room, and was taken to the ER where it was determined I was dehydrated. No stitches were needed.

2) I was young - first grade, I think. I was happily playing on the jungle gym when all of a sudden I didn't know who I was or where I was. The world went black and I when I woke up, my sister was in the nurse's room with me and I had a giant knot on my forehead. They couldn't find my parents, so they called my emergency contact, my aunt, and I refused to leave with her. It was a big old mess. I had a concussion and could not do anything but sit in a dark room for days. I've never had that feeling of not knowing who I was since. 

3) I passed out in gym class once in ninth grade? Maybe tenth. I was hungry and I was dehydrated and had just run around the gym about a million times. I felt ill, went over to the bleachers and tried to get my head between my legs, but ended up just collapsing, supine, on the bleachers. 

4) I passed out in college when I did a fundraiser called Dance Marathon where I stayed awake and on my feet for 24 hours and by the time I got back to my dorm, I passed out while walking by the front desk. Details are fuzzy, but I woke up as they were calling 911. 

5) When I was newly engaged, I stood up from the couch and immediately passed out, hitting my head on the coffee table. 

6) I got home from a bike ride and as soon as I parked my bike and got off it, my legs felt like rubber and I got serious tunnel vision and I sat down, right there in the garage, and fainted. 

7) I was dogsitting Mingus and Buddy and when we got back from a walk, Mingus was nipping at Buddy and I was trying to get Buddy into a different room and I opened the screen door to the backyard, thinking one of them could go outside and I could feed one of them inside and one outside and I got tunnel vision and heard the whooshing sound and tumbled down the stairs. I scraped my leg and landed hard on my right arm. 

8) My husband fell on his bike and broke his collarbone. I passed out in the ER. 

9) I had a bad case of vertigo. The world was spinning and spinning. I was home alone, but knew I needed to drink water, so I attempted to walk to the kitchen. I ended up sitting on the ground and trying to scoot/crawl, but I was just so dizzy and the world was a kaleidoscope of colors. I almost made it to the kitchen when I just passed out on the floor. When I woke, Hannah was laying down beside me whining. 

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The common theme with most of these is to make sure you eat and drink, friends. And don't get vertigo.

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Have you ever fainted?

Colonoscopy 101: Ugh (But You Still Gotta Do It)

Earlier this week I had my first colonoscopy. I want to talk about it because it sucked and everyone made it sound like it would sort of suck, but then it would be over, and that would be fine. I did not find that last bit to be true. Stephany recently wrote about her sleep study and I was inspired to write this down because maybe it will help someone else out who has some of the questions I had.

Look, this is going to be graphic and talk about poop a lot, so if that's not your jam, maybe just skip this post. 

Pre-pre-procedure

I have a first-degree relative with colon cancer, which is the reason I got to get a colonoscopy a bit earlier (seriously, just weeks) than age 45, which is the recommendation for people to start getting screened. My husband had his colonoscopy about a month ago and he went through a different healthcare system and his prep was entirely different from mine, so I'll try and talk about the two different preps and then go into my experience. 

Dr. BB's pre-procedure

My husband had to be on a low-fiber diet for five days before his colonoscopy. My husband was given a jug with some prep powder in it and an optional flavor packet and he had to drink a cup every fifteen minutes for two hours the night before his procedure. The morning of his procedure he had to repeat the drinking of the prep every fifteen minutes for two hours. The prep was gluten-free, if anyone is interested in that. 

My pre-procedure

The only food restriction I had for my prep was no popcorn for seven days. I admit that for most people this would probably just be a mild inconvenience, but I cannot tell you how many times I eat popcorn in a week, so this was a real sadness for me. Oh, well. I persevered. 

The day before the procedure, I had to be on a clear liquid diet starting at midnight. I drank water and tea and ate a few popsicles. You can eat or drink anything clear as long as it wasn't purple or red. Then the prep started. 

At around noon, I took five 5mg tablets of Dulcolax. Things were fine for a few hours, but then the nausea started. I had a wet bowel movement. 

THEN! Things got terrible. I had to buy two big bottles of Miralax (238 grams each) and mix it with Gatorade. I chose to mix it with full-calorie lemon-lime Gatorade. I went with "real" Gatorade because I was concerned that the lack of calories was going to be a big problem for me, but I fear that the mistake I made was in so many calories because I was already nauseated and then all this sugar made me really feel like I was going to vomit and never stop. Do not recommend. I had to drink a cup of this solution every fifteen minutes until my stool was "clear like light beer." 

The actual instructions. 

(I hated this. Like I have any idea what light beer looks like? Or regular beer for that matter. Honestly. Way to show your roots, Wisconsin. Imagine I just said the word Wisconsin like it was a swear word, okay?)

Anyway, I drank nine glasses of this and there were still flecks, but if I smelled Gatorade, I would have vomited my lungs up, so I gave up and went to bed. It was a terrible night of sleep. I had to wake up to void everything once and my stomach was cramping like mad and did I mention that I thought I was going to puke every time my husband so much as moved a micromillimeter? 

I woke up and had to keep drinking that nastiness until my stools were clear like light beer, but I finished the whole fucking thing and there were still flecks, but I didn't care because if someone had asked me to eat or drink anything, I would have laid down and died. 

(It's possible I am melodramatic when I am sick or injured. Why do you ask?)

The hospital is a quick five minute drive away and I tried to remain cheerful because, hey, at least I didn't have rhabdomyolysis, right? But I want you to know that I rolled down the window and kept my head out the window the whole way there because if I was going to puke, I wasn't going to do it in the car.  

End scene. We get there at the exact time I was told to get there, but the doctor was running late. This meant I was going to the bathroom at the hospital (still flecks, yo) and we were just sitting in the waiting room while I contemplated if it would hurt the fake plant if I puked in its vase. 

(I never did puke. But it felt very close the whole time.)

So. The prep. -2/10. Do not recommend.

The Colonoscopy Itself

But here's what I was really worried about. I was actively menstruating and I know, from having been there with my husband a month before, that they asked you to remove everything when you put your gown on. I did some research, but the Internets let me down because there were no clear answers about what to do. (My husband did not understand my concern. Was I supposed to wear a tampon? Was I supposed to free bleed? What is the answer here?)

So when we finally got into my assigned room, they had me strip and put on a gown and I asked about what I should do if I was actively bleeding on my period. Like...help me out, nurse? 

Mesh panties. And a pad. That's the answer. They give you mesh panties and a pad. The definitely do not want you wearing a tampon. And think of them as Chekhov's mesh panties because they're going to come back. 

We waited in this room for literal hours because the doctor was running behind. They put in an IV and gave me some sweet, sweet Zofran and I stopped feeling like I was going to puke.

Things we talked about while waiting:

    The clock on the wall and how the minute hand moved incrementally every fifteen seconds 
    Construction at the hospital
    The building we both work in is having its roof replaced, but not soon enough since there was leaking and one of the (empty) offices in my husband's department had gotten wet
    How nice it was not to feel like vomiting
    Whether or not people would like I Capture the Castle
    Calculating how many hours we'd spent in the hospital in the last week
    How slow my IV was dripping
    If I would ever drink lemon-lime Gatorade again

Okay, was that list boring? Yeah? Well, imagine living it.

They finally took me back to the procedure and it was fine. I mean, they position you so you're laying on your left side and then there are drugs and I literally remember nothing until waking up back in the recovery room. 

But, hey, did I wet myself? Like, it's very damp. I had to just sit there in dampness until they removed my IV, but they still wanted me to sit up for five minutes and then sit on the side of the bed for a minute or two before I got see what's what.

You guys. You GUYS. The mesh panties were yellow. ALERT ALERT. I clearly peed on myself. And maybe I peed on the health care workers? WHAT HAVE I DONE?

The results were normal and I have no polyps and that is the best news we could have asked for.

The allergy band makes it look DIRE. I'm allergic to sulfa drugs, which is not a big deal. 

Post-procedure

When we got home, I have to admit to you some sad news. The Zofran wore off and I was once again nauseated. AND THEN the gas. They have to shoot air up your ass, I guess, and I am not a person who gets gas and I literally thought I was going to DIE of abdominal pain. (Melodrama, I know!)

So I curled up in a ball on the couch where I sat for three hours, letting out teeny tiny bits of gas almost continuously. And felt like throwing up. 

AND THEN! I was finally hungry. I ate some yogurt and granola and it was the best tasting yogurt I've ever had. 

But man I was still gassy. And I had bloating and abdominal pain for about 28-30 hours after the procedure was finished. And I didn't have a BM for more than 48 hours after the procedure. Maybe TMI, but I have BMs much more regularly than that. Like multiple times a day more.  And there's a huge bruise on the back of my hand where the IV was. 

Note: You can also see the scar left by Penny the Cat. 

And I get to do it all again in five years. Hopefully with less peeing on myself. 

Please get yourself a colonoscopy if you're due and you haven't done it. Yes, it really does suck (real talk), but colorectal cancer is way worse. Early detection is key to good outcomes!

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When is the last time you were nauseous for more than a day? Did you also put your face out the window of a moving car? Do you have questions about this procedure? I will be an open book.

Three Things Thursday

1. Dr. BB is home from the hospital. Thanks for all your kind thoughts and words. He's supposed to "take it easy" for a while, so he's Couch Husband for the time being. 

2. Hannah and I tried for about five minutes to take a selfie the other night when she refused to go for a walk. I swear this is the best I could come up with.  Look at the vein on my forehead! Look straight up poor Hannah's nostrils. Also, note the ominous cloud in the sky. It stormed LIKE CRAZY on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights and I could tell both the girls were relieved when Dr. BB came on Tuesday because they were all like the girl human cannot control the weather, kind sir, and we are depending on you to make sure that it doesn't thunder and lightning and frighten us tonight. And then it didn't storm on Tuesday because all was right with the world.

3. My comments section has been talking about the list that the New York Times recently put out about The 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. My Brilliant Friend was #1 and I was so touched that everyone wanted to run to my blog to tell me I'm right about what a great book it is/complain that it's a terrible book and doesn't belong on the list at all.

That's the take home point. I think it's an okay list, to be honest. I see a lot of criticisms of it - some are fair, like how come the Copenhagen Trilogy just counts as one and the Neapolitan Quartet is split up? - but I am a basic bitch of reading and I like a lot of these books. I have also DNFed three (two were Zadie Smith books which makes me feel a bit like a terrible feminist - absolute tangent, but did you know Doc Brown and Zadie Smith are brother and sister?).  

If I ever finish my Top Fantasy Books by Women list, maybe I'll make it a goal to read the rest on this list.

How to Be Both, Ali Smith 2014 - Fine, but I wish it had spoken to me more. 3/5 stars

Bel Canto, Ann Patchett 2001 - Befuddling. I don't think I'm smart enough for Patchett. 3.5/5 stars

On Beauty, Zadie Smith 2005 - DNF August 2023 at 11%. Maybe I should try again?

Station Eleven, Emily St. John Mandel 2014 - So good. A rare book where I wished there was more of it. 5/5 stars

The Story of the Lost Child, Elena Ferrante; translated by Ann Goldstein 2015 - I love these books unabashedly. No notes. 5/5 stars

An American Marriage, Tayari Jones 2018 - Great observational writing. Huge thumbs up. 5/5 stars

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, Gabrielle Zevin 2022 - Incredibly skippable. 2/5 stars

The Friend, Sigrid Nunez 2018 - A loving meditation on writing and taking care of pets. Lovely. 4.5/5 stars

Demon Copperhead, Barbara Kingsolver 2022 - Gorgeous writing. Not a perfect book, but incredibly well done 4/5 stars

Nickel and Dimed, Barbara Ehrenreich 2001 - I read this a long time ago and remember a few powerful scenes. Maybe I'm due for a reread to see its star rating. 

Persepolis, Marjane Satrapi 2003 - An important book, but not one I feel like I have to revisit. 3.5/5 stars

The Goldfinch, Donna Tartt 2013 - This book made me anxious. 3/5 stars

The Fifth Season, N.K. Jemisin 2015 - Brilliant. 5/5 stars

H Is for Hawk, Helen Macdonald 2015 - Complicated grief memoir. I feel like falconry is bad, though? But the writing was evocative. I have a lot of competing feelings. 3.5/5 stars

Fun Home, Alison Bechdel 2006 - I thought this graphic novel based on Bechdel's childhood and her relationship with her father to be simultaneously too honest and forthright and too chilly.  I think it's brave of her to put out the good and the bad, but I also found it hard to care. 2.5/5 stars

Salvage the Bones, Jesmyn Ward 2011 - Too dogfight-y for me. DNFed in August 2012. 

White Teeth, Zadie Smith 2000 - DNF August 2023

Americanah, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 2013 - Powerful and important. 4.5/5 stars

The Overstory, Richard Powers 2018 - The first 150 pages are some of the best writing I've ever read. It was less effective for me after that, but was a lovely book overall. 4/5 stars (5+/5 for the first 150 pages)

Evicted, Matthew Desmond 2016 - Thoughtful, well-researched, and I still think about a lot of the scenes, particularly from when he went to eviction court. 4.5/5 stars

Lincoln in the Bardo, George Saunders 2017 - I am haunted (no pun intended) by this book. I think about it all the time. I think I like it more than I did at the time of reading it. 5/5 stars

The Sellout, Paul Beatty 2015 - Mixed feelings having read this, but I'm probably a better person for having read it. 3.5/5 stars

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Michael Chabon 2000 - Slow to start, but eventually turned into something. I liked Moonglow a lot more. 3/5 stars

Pachinko, Min Jin Lee 2017 - Unrelentingly bleak, but I'm glad I read this. 4/5 stars

Never Let Me Go, Kazuo Ishiguro 2005 - I did not care for this book at all. 1.5/5 stars

The Underground Railroad, Colson Whitehead 2016 - Innovative and interesting, but I didn't love it. 3/5 stars

My Brilliant Friend, Elena Ferrante; translated by Ann Goldstein 2012 - I don't need to tell you that I love this book, do I? 5/5 stars

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Do you have a giant vein in your forehead that sticks out? Have you read any of the "Best Books of the 21st Century"? 

Rhabdomyolysis or Bust

I am tired. I am chronically exhausted. And Friday night all I wanted to do was come home and go to bed. Alas, I got home and had to walk the dog and then make dinner and then eat dinner. After dinner, I walked the dog (because she is still on edge about fireworks and won't go out if it's even close to sunset) and then I started getting the process of what I thought was going to be going to bed. 

But Dr. BB's left arm was swollen and it was super noticeable and there was no real cause for the swelling. We did a brief phone consult with my FIL, a retired family physician, and he suggested we go to urgent care/ER just to get it looked at. I sighed, knowing that my early bedtime was not happening. Dr. BB drove us over the river to the hospital

(Ours is a rural hospital that is independently owned. I have no idea how it's still in business, but the employees there are the happiest I've ever met in health care.)

and we were giggling the entire time because we thought we were overreacting about a silly thing. Not a silly thing when he skipped triage and was booked into a room right away. The ER doc decided, literally because it was not busy, to run some blood tests. Turns out he has exercise-induced rhabdomyolysis and normal CK levels are between 30-200 and his was close to 12000. 

The thing about rhabdo is that it happens to people who exercise too much or too hard. I've only ever heard of rhabdo in the context of long-distance athletes, including runners and cyclists, and when some Iowa football players did a squat off that landed a bunch of them in the ER. It's also common in folks with a BMI of 35+, either because of obesity or because of musculature. You know who you don't usually see it in? Healthy 45-year-old men who weigh less than I did when I graduated from high school. On Tuesday he did a lifting practice he's done dozens of times before. On Wednesday he did a lifting practice (different body part). On Thursday he did a what he called an easy tennis lesson. On Friday he was in the ER and if we'd been twelve hours later, the doctors were pretty sure he would have been in kidney failure. 

(Several doctors have talked to him about the importance of rest and recovery. I honestly don't think he did anything unusual or out of the ordinary for him - or me, for that matter. We are both befuddled.)

Meanwhile, the ER doc gets him admitted and the hospitalist comes down to the ER to check in with him and as soon as he walks in the door, he starts laughing. He was expecting a college football player and he got my husband. Jokes all around except my husband was NOT laughing because this is a Big Deal.  

Anyway, he's a weird case. His numbers are not coming down as fast as the doctor would like, so he's still in the hospital and we don't know if he'll come home this afternoon or tomorrow. One of the doctors he saw over the weekend even seemed to indicate he could be in the hospital until Wednesday, which would be very, very bad because the hospital is very, very boring for a guy who actually feels fine, but is rather confined in his movements because he is hooked up to a constant IV drip. 

Oh, but somehow this has become about my husband.

ME! I'm so fucking tired. I am not sleeping well. Saturday night there was a terrible storm and my girls were already out of sorts because Dr. BB wasn't here and I ended up sleeping on the couch because someone has to comfort Hannah. I'm doing all the chores and bringing my husband food in the hospital. 

Oh, I guess I should stop complaining. At least I'm allowed to come home. 

So I guess this is a PSA. Exercise is bad, just like I always thought!

What about Zelda?! She needs love, too. And someone to murder.

Have you ever had rhabdo? My husband has never spent a night in the hospital before - have you? How many nights were you in the hospital?

Five Plus One for Friday, Edition #6

1) Update #1: Valet stand - Purchased and set up in his office. 

2) Update #2: Dining room table - I washed my heated vest doing laundry last weekend and put it away for the season, I washed all my merch from my alma mater and am actively wearing it these days, I recycled the paperwork about the class action lawsuit, we bought honey from the honey people at the Market last weekend, I wrote the review for the book, I ordered makeup, I sent that greeting card, and I didn't use the REI coupon because they didn't have good options for cross-trainers.

I still have four thank you cards to write, I have a new book sitting there to write a review about, and I need to reorder a prescription, but those are the only to-do items left on the table.

3) What does Adriene of Yoga with Adriene mean when she says "hug the low ribs in"? Like...my ribs are bones? And I have no control over them? 

4) At work, I sometimes leave myself reminders of things that need to be done with little notes on my calendar like follow-up with Joe Smith (#7788990) and I'll write a description "Did Joe graduate? If yes, call and congratulate him. If not, follow up and get him on track to graduate this summer." But this takes all of five minutes and it takes up an entire fifteen minute slot on my calendar. How do you deal with these follow-ups that are months out - I met with Joe in January or February for the first time so I need a reminder and I need a description of the situation?

5) Update #3: The dentist saga continues - I have bad gums. And I see my periodontist every six months for a cleaning and my regular dentist every six months for a cleaning, meaning my teeth are cleaned every three months. And for a decade I had an awesome family dentist and he retired and was replaced by a new guy who acts like my teeth are about to fall out of my head at any second. And I was powering through with him because for the last few times I'd been, the hygienist was lovely.

But last week I went and there was a new hygienist who tried to sell me on 1) a waterpik and 2) whitening mouthwash. I have been told REPEATEDLY by my periodontist that waterpiks are terrible for someone with my condition and whitening products just end up increasing my already sensitive gums/tooth bones. And when I said "no, thank you," she kept on and on and I was in tears when I left. I called my SIL the dentist who told me to just ignore everything the hygienist said, which made me feel better, but also made me feel worse.

So, you're probably thinking, just change dentists. As I found myself making another appointment for December, I wondered about this, too.

Here's the deal. We have sort of crappy dental insurance (it's the one all state employees get) and only four dentists in our area (my town and the town where our university is) accept this insurance. One is my dentist; one is a dentist with incredibly polarizing reviews (LOVE or HATE and nothing in between and I don't know who to trust); one is a dentist that is the merging of two dental practices that had great reviews when they were solo, but there's no way to speak to a human when you call the number; and the last is a dentist that has assured my husband who switched there that they are going to stop taking the insurance in the next cycle. 

I guess I'll continue with this dentist. 

6) June is first-year orientation month at our university. I run a session for folks coming into our college and as they are coming in, I play music*. I try to play upbeat music. Here's a sampling of songs on the playlist:

    "Flowers" by Miley Cyrus
    "Shake it Off" by Taylor Swift
    "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor
    "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi
    "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's
    "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
    "Daydream Believer" by The Monkees
    "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison
    "Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams
    "Believe" by Cher
    "Wannabe" by Spice Girls
    "Single Ladies" by Beyoncé
    "Mama Said" by The Shirelles
    "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper
    "My Girl" by The Temptations
    "Dancing Queen" by ABBA
    "Another Saturday Night" by Sam Cooke
    "I Can't Help Myself" by Four Tops
    "Soul Man" by Sam & Dave
    "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles

    "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

*I may have gotten my hand slapped for playing the music too loud on the first day of orientation. Whoops. I also took the students through the wrong door to the computer lab that day and got a stern talking to from the direction of orientation. Sorry, everyone!

This is all great, but many of you are noticing that many of these songs are...fifty or sixty years old? What should I be adding to this list? Like...what are young folks listening to that pumps them up? I don't want anything insanely provocative or with a lot of cursing, but mild innuendo and a hell or a damn is fine.  Any thoughts?

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Thoughts on "knit your low ribs in"? What do you use for to-dos at work? What songs to the young people listen to when they want to get pumped up?

Tell NGS What To Do: Advice Needed for Basic Adulting

1) How are we exfoliating our bodies these days? We have very hard water and the buildup on my skin is quite noticeable and a little embarrassing. I rub with a washcloth in every shower, but I still get visible buildup, especially on my chest. Are you using a scrub? Which one? Are you buying one or making one?  Are you using a loofah or brush? How do you keep a loofah or brush clean?  I have so many questions and wonder yet again why there isn't a manual for adulthood explaining all of this. 

2) I have asked the yoga experts in my life this question already, but I'm putting it out to you in case any of you have suggestions.

For years I have had a less than ideal rig for carrying my yoga gear to yoga classes. I have a Duluth Pack tote I use for the gear and then I carry my mat separately. This is annoying because then I have to remember all the things and I hate it when it's cold or rainy and I have to have my hands out of my pockets. I would prefer all the things just be in one location. I have decided that I am the kind of person who goes to yoga class (years of experience says it's so, right?), so I'm going to treat myself to a yoga bag. 

I have researched bags, of course. I have ordered and returned THREE yoga bags for not meeting my criteria. Here's what I want from my bag: I need it to hold two blocks, a blanket, a strap, and somehow my mat has to be connected to the bag. I'd also enjoy a nice-feeling and nice-looking material, but I am willing to allow for polyester if need be. I'll pay multiple hundreds of dollars if I must.

Here are the bags I've returned.

Bag #1: The interior was not large enough for two blocks and a blanket.

Bag #2: Almost large enough, but once I crammed in my blocks and blanket, my mat would not fit into the area designated for the mat. Also, the rayon was unpleasant to touch.

Bag #3: Big enough, but very hard to manage while walking. Won't you think of us slope-shouldered ladies, bag designers?

Okay, hit me with what yoga bag I should get. 

3) I have had some alarming bloodwork done recently. For someone who exercises regularly, eats relatively well, and does all the things doctors tell me to, I am in some dangerous territory. I am contemplating my diet. It has to be the diet. So, tell me, when do you drink a protein shake? Like, where does it fit in your day? Or, to be more specific, when should I fit it in *my* day?

6:30-7am - Eat breakfast
8am - 4:30pm - At work where I eat a pre-packed lunch of vegetables, guacamole, pretzels, and nuts. And usually some cheese, but I live in Wisconsin and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
5:30 - 6:30pm - Workout.
6:30 - 7pm - Eat dinner.
9:30-10:30pm - Go to bed.

I rarely eat anything in between meals, but there is a candy bowl in our office and I am not above a mid-afternoon snack-sized Payday (peanuts have protein, right?).  

When would I make a protein shake and eat it? Do I just replace breakfast with it? And then bring some fruit with me to work for a mid-morning snack? What a bummer to not sit down to a relaxing breakfast every morning. Ugh. I need help. 

The candy bowl in question.

4) On the advice of my hairstylist,

(Her name is Ashley and she is currently on maternity leave and I don't know what to do because this lady's hair needs some assistance, but that's not the question I'm asking here. Mom and baby are fine, although mom needed three surgeries and I expect her mat leave might be longer than she and I had anticipated.)

I have recently started using some purple shampoo once every two or three weeks. She warned me against using it too often because it can be drying, but like, my hair is an oily mess ten minutes after I blow-dry it, so I'm not super concerned. ANYWAY. Purple shampoo is really purple when it comes out of the bottle. Crazy purple. And the shampoo stains my hands and my nails for up to 48 hours after I wash my hair using this crazy shampoo. How do I get rid of this stain? (I'm going to refrain from asking you how you exfoliate your scalp. I'm scared you might answer that I need one of those scary looking scrubber things. But if you also end up with residue in your hair, I'd be interested in how you rid yourself of it. Hard water is the worst.)

5) Update on the last time I asked for advice: We have just given up garlic. Honestly, we have wasted so much money throwing out garlic in the last two months. And we spent upwards of ten minutes at the grocery store last week examining the jars of garlic, but none of them were labelled gluten free. Dr. BB and I had an intense discussion about whether or not we feel like garlic adds anything to our recipes, came to the conclusion that it did not, and we just didn't buy any. 

(Also, I have a memory from LAST YEAR of buying 3 cucumbers for 99 cents and last time we went to the grocery store it was 1 cucumber for $1.19 and I just couldn't do it, friends. I have been buying 3 cucumbers for lunches for years - I get half a cucumber every work day and then on Thursdays I get an entire cucumber - but the cucumber price has jumped the shark. I then discussed The Great Cucumber Price Increase with my co-workers and it turns out they are buying those fancy skinny seedless cucumbers in the plastic wrapping and one of my co-workers admitted to paying $2.99 for an organic cucumber and I almost keeled over. I am obviously too frugal for my officemates.)  

Hit me with exfoliation techniques, yoga bag suggestions, and tell me how to eat. Also, if you want to weigh in on how much cucumbers cost, I wouldn't be mad.

8.15 Volume - The Pills

Bestest Friend and I are doing a blog project. Each day we will write a blog post on a pre-determined theme chosen by a random noun generator. The theme for the fifteenth day of the month is "Volume."

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Allison wrote a post all about how she's vaguely embarrassed by the way her medications were arranged and stored. She also seemed vaguely embarrassed by the sheer number of pills, too, but maybe I'm reading into that. Look, sometimes human bodies don't do what they're supposed to do and if supplements and pharmaceuticals can help, I'm all for it!

This inspired me to write about my own medications.

Every morning and every night I take two Citracal calcium + Vit D. I do this because when I broke my leg horrifically more than a decade ago, the doctor said my bones were "spongy" and that surprised him because I was physically active. My bone density tests have always been normal, but I still take these. The Vitamin D helps your body absorb the calcium better. Also, most people who live in northern climates are Vitamin D deficient for most of the year (not enough sun), but not me!  (Daily count: 4 pills)

Every morning I take two fish oil pills because a long time ago a doctor told me that there was some evidence that it would help prevent kidney stones. That has since been debunked, but they're still good for preventing heart disease, lowering blood pressure, and helping joint health, so why not? (Daily count: 6 pills)

Every morning I take one magnesium pill and a Vitamin B supplement. I do this because there's a lot of data to suggest it helps with headaches. Perhaps it is the placebo effect, but I have definitely had a lot fewer headaches since I started taking these a couple years ago. (Daily count: 8 pills)

Every morning I take one multivitamin. Honestly, I just do this because it seems like something adults should do. I do eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, but it's amazing what minerals my diet lacks. (Daily count: 9 pills)

Every morning before bed, I take a Zyrtec because I am allergic to the world, including my own pets. I take this year-round and every so often I switch to Claritin and when that stops working, I switch back to Zyrtec. (Daily count: 10 pills)

Every morning before bed, I also take a hormonal birth control pill. I feel like the reasons for this should be apparent. (Daily count: 11 pills)

What do you think, folks? Too many? Too few? Are you a person who takes lots of pills and other supplements?

8.12 Complaint - More Dental Gripes

Bestest Friend and I are doing a blog project. Each day we will write a blog post on a pre-determined theme chosen by a random noun generator. The theme for the twelfth day of the month is "Complaint."

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As regular readers may remember, I have Dental Woes. Basically, I have terrible gums and my teeth are professionally cleaned every three months. I alternate appointments between my periodontist and my family dentist. I have complaints about both. 

My beloved former family dentist retired a couple of years ago and he sold his practice to a guy who lives in another state and only comes in twice a week. He changed the name of the practice from an easily Googleable name to The Dentist, which is seriously a terrible name if you're considering search engines at all. ANYWAY.  The former dentist was great. He knew about my issues, he was always optimistic and impressed with how consistent my teeth were. 

This dentist. He always acts like this is the first time he's seen my mouth. There's so much mobility! You have deep pockets in your gums! How did your gums get this way? All of this is true. I'm not denying it. But my periodontal disease has maintained for the last decade and it's not like it's gotten noticeably worse in the six months between appointments with this guy, I SWEAR. It makes me feel like the hours I'm devoting to dental care every week are wasted and I shouldn't bother trying and I'm going to end up toothless anyway.

And I end up crying on the way home after every appointment. I am giving him one more appointment and if it happens again, I'm going to find a new dentist. I hate to have to find a new dentist because I'll have train a whole new dentist and hygienist, but it shouldn't be this soul crushing to go the dentist, should it?

My husband goes to a different dentist than I do and they gave him this creepy chip clip. I refuse to use it in the kitchen. 

And my periodontist. There are a lot of good things about that office. The hygienists are used to seeing a lot of bad mouths and mine is like the least worst of what they see. They're always so complimentary of my hygiene and their cleanings are like a billion times more thorough than my stupid family dentist.  But, like, I haven't actually seen a periodontist in two years? They're never in the office? The hygienists take notes and say they'll pass it on to the doctor, but I get charged the same exorbitant rate regardless of if I see an actual doctor or not, so I'd prefer to see one. The last time I scheduled an appointment, I specifically requested that it be a day when a periodontist would be in the office and when I showed up, both doctors were on vacation. 

So, I don't even know really why I'm writing all this out. I used to have a good system with my dental professionals, but it's all fallen apart and I hate change and I don't want to think about it too much. 

Do you have a mouth-shaped chip clip? Would you like one? I can procure one for you!