Colonoscopy 101: Ugh (But You Still Gotta Do It)

Earlier this week I had my first colonoscopy. I want to talk about it because it sucked and everyone made it sound like it would sort of suck, but then it would be over, and that would be fine. I did not find that last bit to be true. Stephany recently wrote about her sleep study and I was inspired to write this down because maybe it will help someone else out who has some of the questions I had.

Look, this is going to be graphic and talk about poop a lot, so if that's not your jam, maybe just skip this post. 

Pre-pre-procedure

I have a first-degree relative with colon cancer, which is the reason I got to get a colonoscopy a bit earlier (seriously, just weeks) than age 45, which is the recommendation for people to start getting screened. My husband had his colonoscopy about a month ago and he went through a different healthcare system and his prep was entirely different from mine, so I'll try and talk about the two different preps and then go into my experience. 

Dr. BB's pre-procedure

My husband had to be on a low-fiber diet for five days before his colonoscopy. My husband was given a jug with some prep powder in it and an optional flavor packet and he had to drink a cup every fifteen minutes for two hours the night before his procedure. The morning of his procedure he had to repeat the drinking of the prep every fifteen minutes for two hours. The prep was gluten-free, if anyone is interested in that. 

My pre-procedure

The only food restriction I had for my prep was no popcorn for seven days. I admit that for most people this would probably just be a mild inconvenience, but I cannot tell you how many times I eat popcorn in a week, so this was a real sadness for me. Oh, well. I persevered. 

The day before the procedure, I had to be on a clear liquid diet starting at midnight. I drank water and tea and ate a few popsicles. You can eat or drink anything clear as long as it wasn't purple or red. Then the prep started. 

At around noon, I took five 5mg tablets of Dulcolax. Things were fine for a few hours, but then the nausea started. I had a wet bowel movement. 

THEN! Things got terrible. I had to buy two big bottles of Miralax (238 grams each) and mix it with Gatorade. I chose to mix it with full-calorie lemon-lime Gatorade. I went with "real" Gatorade because I was concerned that the lack of calories was going to be a big problem for me, but I fear that the mistake I made was in so many calories because I was already nauseated and then all this sugar made me really feel like I was going to vomit and never stop. Do not recommend. I had to drink a cup of this solution every fifteen minutes until my stool was "clear like light beer." 

The actual instructions. 

(I hated this. Like I have any idea what light beer looks like? Or regular beer for that matter. Honestly. Way to show your roots, Wisconsin. Imagine I just said the word Wisconsin like it was a swear word, okay?)

Anyway, I drank nine glasses of this and there were still flecks, but if I smelled Gatorade, I would have vomited my lungs up, so I gave up and went to bed. It was a terrible night of sleep. I had to wake up to void everything once and my stomach was cramping like mad and did I mention that I thought I was going to puke every time my husband so much as moved a micromillimeter? 

I woke up and had to keep drinking that nastiness until my stools were clear like light beer, but I finished the whole fucking thing and there were still flecks, but I didn't care because if someone had asked me to eat or drink anything, I would have laid down and died. 

(It's possible I am melodramatic when I am sick or injured. Why do you ask?)

The hospital is a quick five minute drive away and I tried to remain cheerful because, hey, at least I didn't have rhabdomyolysis, right? But I want you to know that I rolled down the window and kept my head out the window the whole way there because if I was going to puke, I wasn't going to do it in the car.  

End scene. We get there at the exact time I was told to get there, but the doctor was running late. This meant I was going to the bathroom at the hospital (still flecks, yo) and we were just sitting in the waiting room while I contemplated if it would hurt the fake plant if I puked in its vase. 

(I never did puke. But it felt very close the whole time.)

So. The prep. -2/10. Do not recommend.

The Colonoscopy Itself

But here's what I was really worried about. I was actively menstruating and I know, from having been there with my husband a month before, that they asked you to remove everything when you put your gown on. I did some research, but the Internets let me down because there were no clear answers about what to do. (My husband did not understand my concern. Was I supposed to wear a tampon? Was I supposed to free bleed? What is the answer here?)

So when we finally got into my assigned room, they had me strip and put on a gown and I asked about what I should do if I was actively bleeding on my period. Like...help me out, nurse? 

Mesh panties. And a pad. That's the answer. They give you mesh panties and a pad. The definitely do not want you wearing a tampon. And think of them as Chekhov's mesh panties because they're going to come back. 

We waited in this room for literal hours because the doctor was running behind. They put in an IV and gave me some sweet, sweet Zofran and I stopped feeling like I was going to puke.

Things we talked about while waiting:

    The clock on the wall and how the minute hand moved incrementally every fifteen seconds 
    Construction at the hospital
    The building we both work in is having its roof replaced, but not soon enough since there was leaking and one of the (empty) offices in my husband's department had gotten wet
    How nice it was not to feel like vomiting
    Whether or not people would like I Capture the Castle
    Calculating how many hours we'd spent in the hospital in the last week
    How slow my IV was dripping
    If I would ever drink lemon-lime Gatorade again

Okay, was that list boring? Yeah? Well, imagine living it.

They finally took me back to the procedure and it was fine. I mean, they position you so you're laying on your left side and then there are drugs and I literally remember nothing until waking up back in the recovery room. 

But, hey, did I wet myself? Like, it's very damp. I had to just sit there in dampness until they removed my IV, but they still wanted me to sit up for five minutes and then sit on the side of the bed for a minute or two before I got see what's what.

You guys. You GUYS. The mesh panties were yellow. ALERT ALERT. I clearly peed on myself. And maybe I peed on the health care workers? WHAT HAVE I DONE?

The results were normal and I have no polyps and that is the best news we could have asked for.

The allergy band makes it look DIRE. I'm allergic to sulfa drugs, which is not a big deal. 

Post-procedure

When we got home, I have to admit to you some sad news. The Zofran wore off and I was once again nauseated. AND THEN the gas. They have to shoot air up your ass, I guess, and I am not a person who gets gas and I literally thought I was going to DIE of abdominal pain. (Melodrama, I know!)

So I curled up in a ball on the couch where I sat for three hours, letting out teeny tiny bits of gas almost continuously. And felt like throwing up. 

AND THEN! I was finally hungry. I ate some yogurt and granola and it was the best tasting yogurt I've ever had. 

But man I was still gassy. And I had bloating and abdominal pain for about 28-30 hours after the procedure was finished. And I didn't have a BM for more than 48 hours after the procedure. Maybe TMI, but I have BMs much more regularly than that. Like multiple times a day more.  And there's a huge bruise on the back of my hand where the IV was. 

Note: You can also see the scar left by Penny the Cat. 

And I get to do it all again in five years. Hopefully with less peeing on myself. 

Please get yourself a colonoscopy if you're due and you haven't done it. Yes, it really does suck (real talk), but colorectal cancer is way worse. Early detection is key to good outcomes!

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When is the last time you were nauseous for more than a day? Did you also put your face out the window of a moving car? Do you have questions about this procedure? I will be an open book.