A Funny Feeling

I was working on a project at work. This is a project that I am absolutely not qualified to do, but I was giving it my best. I mean, that best actually ended up me admitting to the entire team on a call this morning that I have no clue what I'm doing and someone else saying that it would literally only take them a couple of hours to do it and meanwhile I've spent all week getting approximately 10% of it done and for fuck's sake, why do we even have Slack if no one checks it?  Ahem.  

Anyway. I obviously needed a break and I checked Facebook. As you do.

The guy that I dated for years in high school and through college died.  It happened last month. It was a heart attack, apparently, although in this day and age I sort of assume it was actually suicide or covid complications and no one, understandably, wants to say either of those things in a public forum.

I was stunned.  I am not young, but I am not old. Sure, the 88-year-old lawyer who served as a volunteer on our community center board recently died, but that was fine. He led a good life.  But this man? A man I remember as a robust 20-year-old?  Sure, it's been two decades since I'd seen him last, but he was a huge part of my life for some pretty pivotal years and now he was just gone.  

I'm not sad, exactly.  I don't know how to explain it, really.  Sort of regretful, tinged with anxiousness? I feel a pit in my stomach whenever I think about it.   

It's also really sad because there is not going to be a service at all, no one has written any memories on the obituary itself, and there are only four comments on his Facebook page under the announcement that his aunt posted of his death.  It just feels like no one is noticing this happening and it's not about me and I don't want to be the #1 mourner for someone I used to know, but shouldn't someone be mourning and not just in a superficial "RIP" kind of way?  

I have photographs of him that I'm sure his mother has never seen. Should I send them to her? Is that what she wants or needs?  Is that doing something more for me than for her?  After all, then I would be rid of memorabilia from a doomed relationship that I never look at.  But maybe she doesn't want to hear from the woman who broke her baby boy's heart twenty years ago?  Maybe she especially doesn't want to hear from her a month too late?  

It's a strange feeling. Of course anyone can die at any time (checks to make sure my "what do do if NGS dies checklist" is up-to-date for my husband - ha ha ha! as if I have something this, but I know I should have one and I consider creating it on a regular basis), but it's not always expected, is it?  

Here's a picture of our girls being cute. Note how magnificent Zelda the Cat's fur is. She is suuuuper skinny under all that fur, but in every picture I post of her on Instagram, I get some snarky comment about putting her on a diet.  I swear to you that we were at the vet just over a week ago and got a "she can not lose any more weight" comment, which is what we last heard about Hannah and now I'm starting to think I starve our pets and I DON'T.  They just don't eat.  *heavy sigh*  This has actually also stressed me out.  

This weekend we're dropping the dog off at a friend's house where he will watch her while we drive three hours to Iowa for a tailgating party for a football game I don't care about.  Then we will eat junk food and drive three hours back home to pick up the dog.  I am not sold on this being a good plan, but I am also excited to see some family members, so what the hell. It is what it is.