Rachel recently wrote an honest post about a handful of things that are not going well in her world. I fixated on how she has a complicated relationship with birthdays. I do, too! Mine is not the same complicated relationship as hers, though. I LOVE celebrating people's birthdays. I bring treats to work on my co-workers' birthdays. I celebrate my husband all day long. Part of this is because I LOVE finding and giving the perfect gifts. I also just want everybody to know how much they mean to me and it's easy to do on birthdays.
But my own birthday is regularly sort of forgotten. I *should* tell my husband what I want on my birthday and ask for him to make it happen. But, as I said in Rachel's comments, I don't think I should have to tell him and then he does nothing and then I'm sad. Oh, well. I suspect none of that is going to change.
What can I change?
How I celebrate YOU.
Do you want me to celebrate your birthday? I can do it in so many ways! I can do a whole shoutout here on my blog. I can quietly email or text you that I am thinking of you. I can send you SNAIL MAIL (if I'm being honest, I mostly want to send you snail mail). If you live within an hour drive of wherever I am on your birthday, we could go to lunch! I could color you a picture of a cat wearing a hat. I can do more than one of these things! Maybe you want something else? Tell me.
I have created a Google Form to ask you for your birthday and how you want to be celebrated. Fill it out and I'll put your birthday in my planner and you'll get the celebration you deserve! Even if your birthday is on a Tuesday, you can still be treated like the royalty we know you are.
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Do you have a complicated relationship with birthdays? Do you love a birthday party?
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Edited to add: My birthday is August 16. It's the same day as Madonna and James Cameron, so I consider it a win.
Rachel's birthday feelings resonated with me, too, and I love that you are doing something about it. (I have a birthday post in the works, but it is much more self-centered than this lovely celebratory idea.)
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I feel this so deeply: "I *should* tell my husband what I want on my birthday and ask for him to make it happen. But, as I said in Rachel's comments, I don't think I should have to tell him and then he does nothing and then I'm sad."
Why does it feel so uncomfortable to want to be celebrated? I am struggling with even adding my name to your form. But I am going to, because I know it would bring both of us joy. But also, Engie, please send me YOUR BIRTHDAY because I would like to celebrate you as well. I know you are not asking for reciprocation, but I would be delighted to be able to wish you a happy birthday each year.
I mean, I don't think it's uncomfortable to want to be celebrated, but I just think my husband should KNOW that I want it. He doesn't want a big fuss, so I respect that. But I DO kind of. *shrug* I'm glad you filled out the form! (My birthday is 8/16 - I wasn't hiding it, but this wasn't really about reciprocation, you know?)
DeleteYes, remind us of when your birthday is!!! I'm filling out your form (i want the picture of the cat wearing a hat, obviously.) I do like birthdays, but I don't like huge celebrations. (oh actually my husband's birthday is tomorrow- it always sneaks up on me because it's so soon after Christmas).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, it makes me sad that anyone is sad on their birthday. Maybe we all need to fly to Wisconsin for a big surprise party on your next birthday, lol (wait. Wouldn't that actually be amazing???)
I have been talking about doing a big to-do for our anniversary on a milestone. But I wouldn't be opposed to a big blowout for my birthday!
DeleteOkay, Engie, WORDS CAN NOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS IDEA/SENTIMENT. Please remind me (here or e-mail me) of your birthday!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy birthday's generally fly below the radar. I've had one big celebration in my life and it was during the pandemic and my husband and kids planned a whole day scavenger hunt. We couldn't interact with other people, but he had friends and family send video and voice clues and it took hours for me to go all over the place to find presents. It was SO MUCH FUN. Beyond that... birthday's weren't a big deal in my family of origin. I like to get my favourite dessert (an Unbaked Cherry Cheesecake) but sometimes I don't get any presents aside from a gift card from my bestie. I'm okay with it.
Honestly, it flew under the radar in my family of origin, too, and it was upsetting because my sister DID get a big celebration. Oh, well. I should probably let go of grudges!
DeleteI can't wait to celebrate everybody's birthday with them!
Such a good idea! I put in a request because my husband and I have the same birthday, so on MY birthday every year I have to plan SOMEONE ELSE'S birthday too.
ReplyDeleteOh, Sarah, I will not even remotely acknowledge your husband! It will be ALL ABOUT YOU!
DeleteMy birthday is a holiday (NYE) and it’s a pain to go out and if we have people over they want to stay until after midnight, while I want to be asleep in bed. It was great when I was in my 20s, it sucked as a kid because my mom was broke after my brother’s birthday and then Christmas. It can be complicated. However, I am very good about asking for what I want for my birthday. If what I want is to go to a museum and a nice lunch, I tell my husband and daughter, and we do that. If I want to go to a movie and a nice dinner, we do that. If I want a party, we do that. I almost never want a party, I’m sick of people by that time. I had one year when none of my family called me, and that really sucked. My mom told me she was thinking of me all day, but she wasn’t sure when I would be home and so she kept waiting to call, and then she fell asleep. My dad was busy doing date night with my step-mom. My siblings never really called back then. SO I FEEL YOU. But my husband and daughter do try to spoil me and make me feel special. I encourage you to speak up if there is a way to do so without getting too emotional. Heck, even if you do get emotional. But it could be casual…’hey, you know what I’d like for my birthday? X!’
ReplyDeleteI know someone whose birthday is New Year's Day, and growing up she was pretty crabby about it, because her parents were always hung over on her birthday!
DeleteMy BIL was also a NYE birthday and I make a special point of sending him the BEST cards. 1) He IS the best. 2) I feel like his birthday is constantly forgotten. I never thought about how you might be over parties/get togethers at that point. I guess...I'm always up for another party? LOL. I'm realizing some things about myself in these comments.
DeletePart of the issue is that my friends have all moved away over the years, and I don’t have any family nearby. So a party would be a couple of my husband’s friends, and his family. And while I do love them, I just spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them, plus all of the business of the season…back when my friends lived nearby, it was fun to have some of them over. I need to be like Nicole and make some new friends. (I mean, I have my blog friends, who I love, but again, not local!)
DeleteCodex: I'm usually the organizer. Because things can sometimes not work out I started planning a back up where I treat myself. Works out well. Spouse knows what I want and I don't have the expectation of they should know.
ReplyDeleteWonderful idea.
Codex: Just had a chance to read Rachel's post and some of the comments. I'm sometimes a bit direct; get over it and celebrate!
DeleteIt's a year on this planet and you-we are here.
As we get older peoples lives get busy and stressful. Spouse and I talk about it and try to do what the other person wants. Sometimes getting tickets to a show is not possible the day of. Or someone can't show up for whatever reason. We both know what the other person really wants including the color and other options if it doesn't work out. We just have one rule: birthdayee decides in the end what they want to do. Sort of your wish is my command.
Still a great idea.
I guess I don't agree with you? I've been married for this man half my life and he should know what I want and he should plan it and execute it. I don't want to plan my own celebration. I certainly don't want to have to make decisions about it. That's the mental load that I'm trying to offload. *shrug*
DeleteCodex: That's fine. I haven't read your entire blog and don't know enough about you or your relationship.
DeleteI was trying to say that irrespective of gender people aren't mind readers.
And some people just aren't good at planning. I do get it. Tell him see what he comes up with.
He doesn't have to be a mind reader. He has to recognize patterns - every year I'm excited about his birthday and we do what he wants to do and every year I'm excited about my birthday and end up being sad. He knows this. He just needs to fix it.
DeleteI don't think I would ever want anything big done, and heaven forbid a surprise party, but other than that, I do enjoy being celebrated on my birthday. (Or around that time: I have zero problem getting something a week later. It honestly is the thought that counts.) Not having a spouse does take that part out of the equation for me: I don't know how I would feel about not being at least wished happy birthday on the day. Someone whose blog I read has written about how her husband does nothing for her on Mother's Day, including when their children were small and needed guidance, because "you're not my mother," and my rage on her behalf was incandescent. I know that's not her birthday, but still. I bet he doesn't do much for her birthday, either.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I filled out the form, because I would love a card, or anything in the mail, for my birthday! Fewer and fewer people send physical cards these days, at least to me, and I do love getting them. I had an aunt who always, always sent cards late, and the year she died, I realized a week after my birthday that I was expecting her card to show up. This year I got two or three cards, not a lot. Though I still enjoyed getting them!
Yeah, the first year we were married my mom didn't send me a birthday card and she basically said that it was my husband's job now. I cannot tell you how sad that made me. She GAVE BIRTH TO ME and I wasn't important enough to just text or call? I don't know. That's how I feel about me who don't celebrate their wives on Mother's Day when their wives have given birth to their children!
DeleteYes for filling out the form! You'll definitely get something fun in the mail from me!
Oh, do tell him. Men are thick. Well, I am not too thick about those kinds of things but maybe about others. He will also feel better if he pleases you. We used to kiddingly have a birthday week or even month for Sue. It came from my joking about her birthday lasting a month because this person or that group would do something for her over a protracted period of time. When we moved away from her friends, I kind of did that for her for a few years.
ReplyDeleteThis is an example of learned helplessness from men. "Men are thick." Fuck that. He needs to pay attention and do something. But he won't. And it's not fair for me to have to coach him. He doesn't have to coach me!
DeleteI love other people’s birthdays but feel a little middle of the road about mine. I have no expectations so I am usually fine with how the day goes. This year i was very excited because there is a childcare night at our rec center and my birthday is on a Friday (2/6) so Phil and I had a date night planned. But tragically, a senior person at his firm died from an aneurysm last week and the funeral is at 4 pm on 2/6 (which makes sense as he worked at an asset mgmt company so the funeral would need to be after markets closed so the whole (small) company can go). But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t sad about our date night being canceled. But this year I planned my own low key party on Saturday. I will have a puzzle going on the dining room table and will have snacks and drinks. Not many can attend unfortunately but even if only 4-5 people show up, that’s more than I would have wanted. I put a firm ‘no gifts allowed’ note in the invite. I do not want gifts at all. I feel a sense of reciprocity if someone buys me a gift. We have what we refer to as a ‘gift neutral household’ meaning don’t buy us stuff and we won’t buy you stuff. If someone wanted to give me something, I would ask them to instead donate to a food pantry or other mutual aid organization. I am not trying to be all high and mighty but I am so particular and hard to shop for. If I want something, I buy it. Like I considered asking for an Owala water bottle for Christmas but I wanted to pick the color.
ReplyDeleteSo TLDR, I’m not very fun to celebrate. But I do LOVE snail mail!!
Hmmm...if you wanted an Owala water bottle and told me the color you want, I'd be so excited to get that for you. We send each other birthday and Christmas wish lists with very specific things (size, color, etc.) and it does make things easier. I don't think you are anti-gift, but just that you have specific tastes! That's fine!
DeleteBut snail mail really is the best.
Well, aren’t you the most delightful person in the blogging world today. I LOVE celebrating other people’s birthdays (and usually make a point to remember everyone’s birthday - if I know it in the first place), but my own birthday is always a little sad too because my husband is not the greatest planning surprises for me and I am usually far away from family and (most) of my friends.
ReplyDeleteI really, really love your idea to focus on making other people’s world brighter… and hey, my birthday is coming up AND it’s on a TUESDAY! Ha.
Oh, man. I don't know why, but Tuesdays are sort of sad days, aren't they? But if it's your birthday, Tuesdays are AWESOME.
DeleteAlso, I know your birthday is in August, but please remind me of the exact date!
ReplyDeleteIt's 8/16!
DeleteI'm not a big birthday person - I don't like celebrating it - too much attention, too much fuss. Also my birthday is between Christmas and New Years so it often gets lost in the shuffle. BUT... this is the hypocritical part for me - while I don't like celebrating, I also don't like it when people who should know it's my birthday forget. Like I have two cousins who share a birthday three days after mine, and everyone always remembers their birthdays and sends well wishes, but no one does likewise for me. That makes me a little sad sometimes. I know, I can't have it both ways...
ReplyDeleteI'm excited to see you celebrate people's birthdays. It's such a thoughtful, kind, ray of humanity thing to be doing.
I think I would lean into it if my birthday were part of the holiday cluster. Oh, you think you're coming to a holiday party? PSYCHE! It's my birthday party! But maybe I'm extra.
DeleteNothing complicated about my birthday. Or for those around me. I've always loved celebrating my day and the day of my people. (that sounds weird! 🤣)
ReplyDeleteMy thought process: I know so many people who died young and weren't given the opportunity to celebrate every year, so why would I ever skip a day where a celebration could be happening?
I think you should tell us when your birthday is, so we can ALL celebrate you. I love that you give of your time and energy so freely to your friends!
~Suz
Yes, I'm happy to celebrate everybody! Because everybody is special and worth taking time for!
DeleteI used to do the thing where I would just hope my husband did what I wanted, but he is forgetful (not thoughtless, just genuinely forgetful) and busy, so now I tell him exactly what I want to have happen on my birthday and Valentine's Day, but it took me a while to get there, so I get it if that doesn't work for you. Sometimes I want nothing. Our friend group is big on parties, some low-key some less-so, which is usually great, but sometimes I don't want a party. One year he was away and he used his hotel points to get Eve and me and her friend and my friend (her friend's mom) a nice hotel room downtown and we hung out and shopped and had dinner and it was a blast.
ReplyDeleteI do tend to try to get someone a little something on their birthday even if they're not into celebrating, because I also love trying to find the right thing for someone and I think for most people it's nice to get something that you wouldn't buy yourself just because you have a friend that loves you.
So I would love birthday snail mail from you, but I would also like to snail mail you on your birthday.
I'm definitely a person who loves giving gifts and sending mail, so that's fun for me. I just like to think that someone should take the time to do the same for me (namely, my husband). I'm not letting him off with the "he's forgetful and busy" - I am, too, and I manage to give him what he wants! I feel like we let men get away with a lot and excuse that behavior. I'm not into it!
DeleteYou are absolutely not wrong.
DeleteI like the thought of celebrating my birthday; but at the same time, I don't want to be the center of attention. Which means I relate entirely to my friends oldest (when he was tiny) to respond to the Happy Birthday song by crying. But I am ENTIRELY HERE to celebrate other people's birthdays. I'll fill out your form, on the condition that you share YOUR birthday, so I can celebrate you!
ReplyDeleteI get it, Gigi. There are options for public celebrations and private ones! I'm happy to do whatever the person wants! (My birthday is 8/16 - I wasn't trying to keep it a secret.)
DeleteThis is very special. Complicated? Yes. I didn't have a birthday party until I was 12, when my school chums threw one for me. My parents' work meant that May was particularly busy for them, so they didn't have time to "fuss." So...I still don't celebrate it much, but like you, I love to make people feel special on their birthdays.
ReplyDeleteAlso, what Anvilcloud said.
Fuck what AC said. Men shouldn't need to be told what to do. They need to pay attention and take action, just like women do for them!
DeleteIt would be nice if your husband would read the room and make a big deal of your birthday, but since he hasn't, tell him girl!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm on the team that hates celebrating my own birthday. Part of it is that when I was working it fell in the busy part of the accounting cycle, but I think it goes back further than that. Not sure why.
No, I'm not going to tell him. I get why he doesn't want to make a big thing of my birthday because he wouldn't want that. And he doesn't want to be around when that's happening. So he KNOWS, but he won't do anything because it's not his jam. And while that makes me sad, I also get it. And I don't feel like I should have to tell him that it makes me sad!
DeleteWhat if you asked him to plan (and pay for) a night out with a friend or two? A party for you that you will enjoy and he does’t have to attend? Win/win? Maybe you shouldn’t ‘have’ to tell him, but it might bring you both some relief and happiness if you do.
DeleteI don't know. I just feel like I'm giving in and doing all the mental load that way. For real. For 20 years I've made a big deal about my birthday. He KNOWS. He just doesn't do it. Why should I have to shoulder the responsibility of planning? It might bring temporary relief, but I'll also be resentful - I know this much about myself.
DeleteI loved my birthday because it is a very minor holiday that shows up on calendars. I always received well wishes and little updates from far flung friends who noticed "Flag Day" on the calendar and thought of me. Extra attention and gifts stress me out, but little notes from friends are lovely. Sadly, I share my birthday with our current president. While ruining my birthday is so very far from the worst thing he has done, it really makes me sad to think about.
ReplyDeleteI feel you! I share my birthday with one of his sons! GROSS.
DeleteDon't let him take your birthday away from you! It's YOURS, girl!!!
DeleteWhat a lovely thing to do, Engie! I just had my birthday a few days ago, and it was nice. I don't like a big party, but I do love cards and being remembered.
ReplyDeleteCards from people is always fun, isn't it?!
DeleteI used to feel similarly to you, Engie. First, you're not wrong in wanting to celebrate your birthday in a certain way! AND YET. Once someone pointed out to me that our culture loves to spin this lie that if its a real romance, then partners will always read each other's minds and give each other exactly what they want. It completely changed my perspective. Yes, its lovely when someone does anticipate your wants but plenty of wonderful partners have major blind spots--whether its what to eat for dinner, what to do in the bedroom, how to celebrate birthdays. That's why we communicate. Paradoxically, liberating myself from expecting my partner to always know what I want has increased my relationship satisfaction like 200%. The other lie our culture likes to spin (especially to women) is that we're not allowed to celebrate ourselves or have and act on our own desires. Again, what a load of crock. You deserve to enjoy your birthday!! If you want a big birthday party, I give you permission to throw it for yourself. I give you permission to hand your husband a guest list and a venue phone number 8 weeks out and tell him he has to make it happen. I give you permission to ask a friend to organize the entire thing on your behalf and send your husband the bill....Just go for it!
ReplyDeleteYES, all great options!
DeleteHa. I think we just live in different worlds. I have communicated for twenty years. If he can't remember, I'm not going to let him off the hook. However, I did recently mention something about how I want to do something special every month and he did send me some options for things happening that we could do together, so maybe we're on the right track!
DeleteI'm sorry I missed this post.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your feelings about your husband not stepping up about your birthday. No, MEN DO NOT GET A FREE PASS ON THIS. Especially if, at any point in time, you've said to him: "Hey, you know it really hurts my feelings that you don't make my birthday special for me. It's important to me." It's a relationship. Partners are supposed to extend themselves for each other in the name of harmony and happiness.
I like to have my birthday commemorated in some way. My kids text me and come over. The family gets together on the weekend and they make a meal, sometimes combining it with Mother's Day because my birthday is May 3. Rick takes me out to our favourite restaurant on my actual birthday and makes sure we're seated in our favourite server's section. I'm not big on presents because I can always get myself whatever I want whenever I want and usually do. I consider being together and not cooking a terrific present.
Your offer of celebrating us is so kind and generous. Thank you!
Yay! I'm happy to celebrate with wild crazy happiness and enthusiasm. It's what I do!
DeleteWhat a great idea! I love the positivity and am happy to fill out the form. I have a complicated relationship with birthdays only because I hate getting older, ha. Then again, I don't know a lot of people who LOVE it...But I do celebrate mine, and usually take the day off from work.
ReplyDeleteI generally try to take off work, too! It should be MY DAY!!!
DeleteOh, I *LOVE* my birthday. I call it a Day of Stephany! And I don't need anyone to celebrate me. I celebrate myself juuuust fine. I usually go to Starbucks to get my free birthday drink, and schedule a massage and a pedicure. And then I'll do dinner with family.
ReplyDeleteLast year, I was feeling really annoyed with my mom because she hadn't said anything about my birthday in the lead-up. Meanwhile, I had planned a whole weekend in Orlando for her birthday! I was deeeeep in my feelings - very resentful that I even had to say anything. Then again, through lots of therapy, I know that it doesn't feel GOOD to stay mired in those feelings. It takes a lot less energy to just communicate to the person. Which I'm guessing you have done with your husband, so it's sad that he still doesn't get it. (This happens with my mom and her husband, too. It's part of the reason I have no desire for partnership. I don't need this kind of disappointment in my life!)
And, eventually, my mom DID make some fun plans for my birthday so all my annoyances were for naught. It would have been GREAT if my brain didn't have to put me in such a negative headspace for no reason!
Your birthday is the Saturday of a long weekend this year!! What the what? It will have to be epic!!
DeleteHa. I don't need this kind of disappointment in my life. LOLOLOL. This slays me. Even without a romantic partner, people disappoint you, though. It's unavoidable!
I appreciate your dilemma; mine is similar. I have tried asking for a celebration and not, but neither really works. Going to visit my dad out of state worked well as he and my stepmother made a big deal of it. I can't do it every year though. My birthday is on a Saturday this year with no work or other obligations. Maybe I will plan something fun with a friend. Then my husband doesn't feel obligated but I still do something fun.
ReplyDeleteSaturday birthday! Live it up!!
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