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Tuesday, October 28
Couple walks with my best canine friend. Here we are practicing not dragging your human up and down the stairs.
Couple walks with my best canine friend. Here we are practicing not dragging your human up and down the stairs.
Wednesday, October 29
We were test driving cars AGAIN tonight, so I had to run home at lunch to take Hannah out. Can you tell from her face here that she was THRILLED to have to leave her cozy bed in the middle of the day? I mostly wanted a photo of that glorious maple behind her. The maples are some of the last trees to change, which means we always miss leaf pickup, but I don't even care. Look how pretty it is. Ignore the bratty dog. (I just want you to know that in two days that tree went from this to orange to all the leaves on our driveway.)
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| This doesn't really give you the full creepiness. |
Thursday, October 39
I took a walk with Hannah today in the morning. But nothing was as delightful as how absolutely creepy walking around a foggy campus was this morning.
Friday, October 31
I am in Michigan dealing with some stuff with my mom's estate. I took an hour and stopped a lovely county park and went for a walk.
Lessons learned from CBWC this year
One of the goals I made for my October CBWC was to unplug during my walks - either listen to music or nothing during my walks. I ended up just leaving my earbuds at home for a few walks and here's what I learned.
1) I still don't know what Hannah's reacting to. It must be something only she can see, hear, or smell, because when she jumps in the air and looks back at me for reassurance, I can confidently say "it's okay," because whatever it is that has her attention is not bothering me in the least.
2) Our neighborhood is LOUD. There are squirrels, birds, kids playing outside, motors revving, leaf blowers blowing, card doors slamming, dogs barking, and on one memorable occasion, roofs getting professionally vacuumed.
3) Real talk: I learned that I am not doing well. If left alone to my own thoughts, I am pretty much assured to start crying. I think...I might need to do something about this.
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How is the time changing impacting your life? Are you as sad as I am about the dark, dark evenings?
Grumph to dark evenings! I'm traveling this week, and one of my travel rules is not to be out after dark. It puts a bit of a cramp in my style when that means getting back to the hotel by 5:00.
ReplyDeleteYou're a few months out from losing a parent, so I would be shocked if you said that everything was absolutely terrific. Looking back on my time in therapy, all that I did was to complain to a stranger about my life situation until I felt that there was nothing new that I could say to them, but somehow it was very productive and did make things better.
Yeah, poor Hannah had her first official three walks in the dark yesterday and it's not going to get any better for the poor thing for a while.
DeleteI have to admit that my therapy experiences have been really bad, so I'm struggling with whether or not I'll actually do anything like that, but I think I need to at least let my husband know that things are not hunky dory. I mean, he should know these things, I think?
You are very consistent. Hannah is lucky whether she knows it or not.
ReplyDeleteWe are lucky to have her and she is lucky to have us. It's a very symbiotic relationship.
DeleteOh Engie. Sending you all the love. I'm... glad is not the right word, but it's all I can come up with for your revelation that you might need some help. You have been through so much. You are doing so much. It is reasonable that you would be struggling. I have engaged the services of a therapist twice, during two very stressful times, and they were both immensely helpful in their separate ways. I hope you find someone to talk to.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, your puppy is so pretty and you have had some GLORIOUS views on your walks.
xxoo
Yes, it is SO PRETTY here and Hannah is perfect. I definitely do not take any of that for granted.
DeleteI am so sorry you're not doing well. You have had so much lately, and I think the process of going through your mother's estate is always going to be hard. And it's my understanding that maybe your sister isn't so easy to deal with, so it's like you have a double whammy. Plus we are in the season of less daylight so...I don't know what to say. It's understandable that you're not doing well, but I have no idea what to do about it. I just want to wrap you up in a weighted blanket and bring you a cookie. Not that that would solve anything, mind you, but it might give you a moment of relief. That said, sometimes it is just a relief to cry and feel our feelings, even when feeling our feelings sucks. Big hugs, friend. I hope you have some relief from this strain soon. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYes, this is right on the heels of being in Michigan and it just all seems so final. I will be fine, but I hate to be the person who is crying at the drop of a hat. It's just not who I am. I'll sit in these feelings, but I want you to know I'm not happy about it.
DeleteWell first of all, great job getting out there every day. Your photos are gorgeous. And, it sounds like it was a valuable (if not pleasant) experience, leaving the headphones at home. Just so you know, my mom died fifteen years ago in August, and I distinctly remember going for a run that Halloween and bursting into tears out of nowhere. So- it definitely takes a while. You will eventually get to a better place- therapy may help you get there if you decide to go that route. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I get a lot of credit for going out every day, but I feel like every dog owner is like this? Right? It's nothing special - just taking care of this creature I'm responsible for. And having her glare at me while I do it.
DeleteI appreciate hearing your stories about your grieving process. It does help to know that there will be a time beyond this because right now it seems like this will be forever.
After my dad died, I was burying myself in books so I wouldn't be thinking all the time (hmm, does that sound like me this year or what), and I remember peacefully finishing a book, closing it, and bursting into instant tears. It's so hard sometimes! You are not alone in this. Recognizing that you're struggling is a good step. What you do with that knowledge is up to you, whether it's talking to someone or just putting the headphones back in, do what feels right. Enjoy the light that's left, the beauty of the last trees turning, and having Hannah.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I buried myself in books until she died and now I'm floundering. I will persevere and get through this. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
DeleteOh friend.
ReplyDeleteFirst, kudos for walking. I believe it is so important for mental health, and I love that you have such a steady companion in Hannah.
Second. Life can really suck. You have experienced a lot of really hard things in your life and the loss of your mother (and continued strain with your sister) are surely adding to the emotional load (which will also manifest physically - ask me how I know).
Like Nicole, I wish I could wrap you up in a blanket, turn on my fireplace, plunk you on my couch and bring you tea with local honey. I can't and that sucks. But I hope you feel my love and support from afar. If you ever want to reach out and talk, please do.
I will echo what others have said about therapy. It literally changed my life. As did taking medication as needed. I was in a period of life-changing anxiety and I felt like a failure for not being able to manage things "on my own" but the support was so necessary. I really hope you get the same, though I understand it can be utterly overwhelming to take next steps, find a therapist, have hard conversations, etc.
Ugh. This feels hard because it is hard, Engie. It is no deficiency in you.
Also echoing Nicole's sentiment that sometimes crying really is the best thing you can do.
Sending so many hugs. From the bottom of my heart I wish I could have you over this afternoon for a long chat. <3
I appreciate this so much. Life does suck right now, but presumably it won't suck forever and I'll go back to writing about scarves and dog training. In the meantime, I'm hunkering down and saying that this will eventually be in the rearview mirror.
DeleteI've never minded the dark evenings, but that's probably because I don't have a dog to walk. I do like the extra light in the mornings though. For now, anyway.
ReplyDeleteGrief is a process. I hope you feel better soon.
The extra light in the morning is not anything for me, though. Poor Hannah is still getting walked in the dark, poor baby.
DeleteI love these photos of your walks, and seeing them makes me very envious. We've gotten to the red maples now, and they are brightening up the landscape here in northeast Ohio.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing that you're recognizing you may need some help. Too many people continue to think they can do it all on their own and keep struggling and waiting for things to somehow get better. It can be a difficult thing to admit--and then ask for--when you've been used to doing things on your own and being a source of strength for yourself and others. Please know that it's not a weakness to do this; it's a sign of courage and great strength.
Look at the commenters here, myself included, who have sought help from talented therapists to get some coping skills to navigate some rough patches in their lives. Sometimes, a completely objective third party can help simply by being that, and by being someone who can listen and give you some tools to help you get through this tough, tough time.
I wish there were so much more I could do for you. We all do. If you can think of anything tangible that I can offer you, please let me know. Until then, I'm sending you all the good wishes I can. Be gentle with yourself. This is a hard, hard time.
It IS gorgeous here. It really is.
DeleteI am so grateful for this blogging community. I know that there are a lot of people out there supporting and I hope that someday I can come out of this funk and pay it forward.
You are so goal-oriented and great at accomplishing things, and it sucks that grief isn't something you can just muscle your way through (if it was, you would already have it in your rear view). This is such a hard thing, and November can be such a hard month anyway, and I hope you find something that will help you.
ReplyDeleteYes, Allison, you get me. I want to just make it a goal - cry five times - and then be done. But somehow that's not how it works, is it?
DeleteI'm sorry. I am STILL sad about my dad's death and STILL sometimes cry about it. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI can't tell if this is encouraging or discouraging. I'm going to lean in to encouraging!
DeleteThe pics of your walks are beautiful. I do not own a ear buds or head phones or anything, so I hear whatever and the leaf blowing times are really loud. I listen to my phone when I run. No one is around to be bothered by it. Good for you for trying something different with your listening to music only. I'm sorry that you're having a tough time. I'm not surprised. Grief is hard. Life is hard too. I think it's so insightful that you recognize your need to do something about it. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteIt is SO PRETTY here. I am lucky to live here in this glorious place. I need to remind myself of that more often.
DeleteOh, I'm so sorry that things are tough for you right now. It hasn't been very long since your mother died, I'm not surprised at all that you are feeling sad. Walking with Hannah is probably wonderful for that, but I can see how the silence might be a bit much. Take care.
ReplyDelete