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Tuesday, October 28
Couple walks with my best canine friend. Here we are practicing not dragging your human up and down the stairs.
Couple walks with my best canine friend. Here we are practicing not dragging your human up and down the stairs.
Wednesday, October 29
We were test driving cars AGAIN tonight, so I had to run home at lunch to take Hannah out. Can you tell from her face here that she was THRILLED to have to leave her cozy bed in the middle of the day? I mostly wanted a photo of that glorious maple behind her. The maples are some of the last trees to change, which means we always miss leaf pickup, but I don't even care. Look how pretty it is. Ignore the bratty dog. (I just want you to know that in two days that tree went from this to orange to all the leaves on our driveway.)
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| This doesn't really give you the full creepiness. |
Thursday, October 39
I took a walk with Hannah today in the morning. But nothing was as delightful as how absolutely creepy walking around a foggy campus was this morning.
Friday, October 31
I am in Michigan dealing with some stuff with my mom's estate. I took an hour and stopped a lovely county park and went for a walk.
Lessons learned from CBWC this year
One of the goals I made for my October CBWC was to unplug during my walks - either listen to music or nothing during my walks. I ended up just leaving my earbuds at home for a few walks and here's what I learned.
1) I still don't know what Hannah's reacting to. It must be something only she can see, hear, or smell, because when she jumps in the air and looks back at me for reassurance, I can confidently say "it's okay," because whatever it is that has her attention is not bothering me in the least.
2) Our neighborhood is LOUD. There are squirrels, birds, kids playing outside, motors revving, leaf blowers blowing, card doors slamming, dogs barking, and on one memorable occasion, roofs getting professionally vacuumed.
3) Real talk: I learned that I am not doing well. If left alone to my own thoughts, I am pretty much assured to start crying. I think...I might need to do something about this.
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How is the time changing impacting your life? Are you as sad as I am about the dark, dark evenings?
Grumph to dark evenings! I'm traveling this week, and one of my travel rules is not to be out after dark. It puts a bit of a cramp in my style when that means getting back to the hotel by 5:00.
ReplyDeleteYou're a few months out from losing a parent, so I would be shocked if you said that everything was absolutely terrific. Looking back on my time in therapy, all that I did was to complain to a stranger about my life situation until I felt that there was nothing new that I could say to them, but somehow it was very productive and did make things better.
You are very consistent. Hannah is lucky whether she knows it or not.
ReplyDeleteOh Engie. Sending you all the love. I'm... glad is not the right word, but it's all I can come up with for your revelation that you might need some help. You have been through so much. You are doing so much. It is reasonable that you would be struggling. I have engaged the services of a therapist twice, during two very stressful times, and they were both immensely helpful in their separate ways. I hope you find someone to talk to.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, your puppy is so pretty and you have had some GLORIOUS views on your walks.
xxoo
I am so sorry you're not doing well. You have had so much lately, and I think the process of going through your mother's estate is always going to be hard. And it's my understanding that maybe your sister isn't so easy to deal with, so it's like you have a double whammy. Plus we are in the season of less daylight so...I don't know what to say. It's understandable that you're not doing well, but I have no idea what to do about it. I just want to wrap you up in a weighted blanket and bring you a cookie. Not that that would solve anything, mind you, but it might give you a moment of relief. That said, sometimes it is just a relief to cry and feel our feelings, even when feeling our feelings sucks. Big hugs, friend. I hope you have some relief from this strain soon. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWell first of all, great job getting out there every day. Your photos are gorgeous. And, it sounds like it was a valuable (if not pleasant) experience, leaving the headphones at home. Just so you know, my mom died fifteen years ago in August, and I distinctly remember going for a run that Halloween and bursting into tears out of nowhere. So- it definitely takes a while. You will eventually get to a better place- therapy may help you get there if you decide to go that route. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteAfter my dad died, I was burying myself in books so I wouldn't be thinking all the time (hmm, does that sound like me this year or what), and I remember peacefully finishing a book, closing it, and bursting into instant tears. It's so hard sometimes! You are not alone in this. Recognizing that you're struggling is a good step. What you do with that knowledge is up to you, whether it's talking to someone or just putting the headphones back in, do what feels right. Enjoy the light that's left, the beauty of the last trees turning, and having Hannah.
ReplyDeleteOh friend.
ReplyDeleteFirst, kudos for walking. I believe it is so important for mental health, and I love that you have such a steady companion in Hannah.
Second. Life can really suck. You have experienced a lot of really hard things in your life and the loss of your mother (and continued strain with your sister) are surely adding to the emotional load (which will also manifest physically - ask me how I know).
Like Nicole, I wish I could wrap you up in a blanket, turn on my fireplace, plunk you on my couch and bring you tea with local honey. I can't and that sucks. But I hope you feel my love and support from afar. If you ever want to reach out and talk, please do.
I will echo what others have said about therapy. It literally changed my life. As did taking medication as needed. I was in a period of life-changing anxiety and I felt like a failure for not being able to manage things "on my own" but the support was so necessary. I really hope you get the same, though I understand it can be utterly overwhelming to take next steps, find a therapist, have hard conversations, etc.
Ugh. This feels hard because it is hard, Engie. It is no deficiency in you.
Also echoing Nicole's sentiment that sometimes crying really is the best thing you can do.
Sending so many hugs. From the bottom of my heart I wish I could have you over this afternoon for a long chat. <3
I've never minded the dark evenings, but that's probably because I don't have a dog to walk. I do like the extra light in the mornings though. For now, anyway.
ReplyDeleteGrief is a process. I hope you feel better soon.
I love these photos of your walks, and seeing them makes me very envious. We've gotten to the red maples now, and they are brightening up the landscape here in northeast Ohio.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing that you're recognizing you may need some help. Too many people continue to think they can do it all on their own and keep struggling and waiting for things to somehow get better. It can be a difficult thing to admit--and then ask for--when you've been used to doing things on your own and being a source of strength for yourself and others. Please know that it's not a weakness to do this; it's a sign of courage and great strength.
Look at the commenters here, myself included, who have sought help from talented therapists to get some coping skills to navigate some rough patches in their lives. Sometimes, a completely objective third party can help simply by being that, and by being someone who can listen and give you some tools to help you get through this tough, tough time.
I wish there were so much more I could do for you. We all do. If you can think of anything tangible that I can offer you, please let me know. Until then, I'm sending you all the good wishes I can. Be gentle with yourself. This is a hard, hard time.
You are so goal-oriented and great at accomplishing things, and it sucks that grief isn't something you can just muscle your way through (if it was, you would already have it in your rear view). This is such a hard thing, and November can be such a hard month anyway, and I hope you find something that will help you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I am STILL sad about my dad's death and STILL sometimes cry about it. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDelete