Bestest Friend and I are doing a blog project. Every day we will write a blog post on a pre-determined theme chosen by a random noun generator. The theme for the fourteenth day of the month is "Control."
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There's been a bit of a thing in the NaBloPoMo posts about names. San's big reveal of her actual name and Meike's discussion about people mispronouncing her name are the two that spring to mind right away. Nicole mentioned in the comments of this post that she actually thinks of me as "Engie" because of my blog pseudonym NGS, which I think is amazing. My "real" first name is a tad bit uncommon for people in my generation (my parents were in Europe when I was born and I think they were overly influenced by it), but two of the Magnificent Seven on the 1996 US Olympic gymnastics team had my first name, so by the time I was a teenager, it was a name people in the States should have at least heard of, even if they'd never met anyone with that name.
I really like my name. I like it so much that I didn't change it when I get married. I like it so much I don't really go by nicknames. There are exceptions to this. I did go by a nickname until I was about seven, so people who've known me since I was little are allowed to call me by that nickname. Bestest Friend and her son call me by another nickname and I've sort of accepted that. But those are the limited exceptions. Even my own husband calls me by my full name.
But other people seem to be convinced that my name requires a nickname. The first time my FIL met me, he immediately tried to shorten my name to its first syllable. I corrected him (gently, reader; he was my boyfriend's father, after all). I've had co-workers try to shorten it, usually in emails first and then audibly. Those also get a quiet correction. But there is little left to do when it happens repeatedly and it is out of my control.
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| This is the nickname Bestest Friend has for me. She and her son are literally the only two people on the planet who call me this. |
I bring this up mostly because all these posts about names and misspellings and mispronunciations are bringing it up in my mind, but I also bring it up because we're about to enter holiday card season, AKA The Season NGS Gets Hepped Up about Everyone Putting the Wrong Name on Cards to Her. Here are ways to address cards to me that I do not mind:
1) Robert (Bob) Smith & NGS Jones
2) Robert (Bob) & NGS
3) Dr. Smith & Mrs./Ms Jones (or other variants of both our correct names with the correct titles used)
4) Jokey portmanteau neologisms that are combinations of our last names that we have with a handful of friends - it demonstrates an awareness of what are actual names are (for example, The Joth Family would be fine if everyone is in on the joke)
Here are things I find annoying and possible cause me to become irate:
1) Mr. and Mrs. Robert Smith (I mean, it gets HIS title wrong and my name wrong)
2) Dr. and Mrs. Robert Smith (for Pete's sake, I am a real person with a real name of my own)
3) The Smith Family (do I even need to say this?)
So, that's all I have to say. Please don't try to shorten my name. Please stop calling me by my husband's last name - I am not his property. If you don't know how to properly address a letter to someone, ask them. When we got married, I had to call no fewer than four people to ask them this question and one of them literally said to me years later that it was the most thoughtful anyone had been about it. (She was a newly married, newly minted doctorate, and I didn't know if she preferred Dr./Ms/Mrs. or if she had changed her name. I was really confused, not necessarily thoughtful, but it was such a valuable lesson for me on the importance of taking the time to do things the right way.)
My own name woes are nothing compared to my husband's. If you're interested in the strangeness of being him, feel free to read a post I wrote all about his nickname. So that's a whole different minefield for people who address letters to us because many people honestly don't know what his first name is.
This sounds really ungrateful now that I'm typing it out. I honestly loving receiving holiday cards and I swear I do not get grumpy for longer than a split second about it when they're addressed incorrectly. I just appreciate that someone thought of us long enough to address and stamp a letter for us - it's lovely to know that people think about us.
Are there name woes in your life?
Anytime in life that you don't know the answer, the right thing to do is to just ask instead of assume. Sure no harm no foul if someone sends a card addressed to Mrs. Robert Smith, but it's also nice to get a card that's addressed to [insert correct name here].
ReplyDeleteUm. I do think there's harm and foul in Mrs. Robert Smith, to be honest. It devalues my identity as a separate human being from that of my husband. I am not subsumed by his identity and I never took on "Smith" as part of said identity. It's essentially just calling by the wrong name. Words have power and using Mrs. Robert Smith undermines decision I've made about my own identity. I feel incredibly strongly about this.
DeleteI did not change my name when I got married either and I bristle a little when we get cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Husbandfirstname Husbandlastname. ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM THE ONE WHO WRITES OUT AND SENDS ALL THE CARDS. But it doesn't happen too much, and I try to not let it bother me (but it does). When I was little people tried to call me Nicki and my mom would never let them do that. I'm glad because I am NOT a Nicki. It feels so wrong. Some people call me Nic occasionally, and I don't mind that. It's cute and fun. But mostly I'm Nicole.
ReplyDeleteMy family nickname is Nicky! And I don't feel like a Nicky at all. It's so weird when I have to answer to it. I mean, I do, because they've been calling me Nicky since I was born, but it feels weird to adult me who in my day-to-day life doesn't go by that name.
DeleteI have a couple name stories. First, my actual name is Kaelyn. I use Kae in my blog/online (which is, actually, my middle name... yes my name is Kaelyn Kae. Long story, but let's go with that my mom likes cutesy things and it also rhymes with "Rae" which is my sister and mom's middle names) but I really only go by Kaelyn in real life. Sometimes people or my husband will call me Kae, but it's more of a "K"- like, just shortening down to that first letter, versus intentionally calling me "Kae", if that makes sense? Anyhoo. I have been called many, many things over the years- most often some version of Katelyn. Or Katilin. Or Cailtin. Or Cailin. Or Kailyn. The list goes on. I really don't let name stuff bother me though. It's just not a big deal to me either way, and not something I choose to ruffle my feathers over!! I would say my biggest pet peeve with names is when I send an EMAIL with the correct spelling of my name, obviously, and the person writes back "Hi Katelyn" and throws that T in there. I mean, I get it's an honest mistake I'm sure, and I'll admit my name has a unique spelling. But Katelyn/Katilin etc is kind of a totally different name...
ReplyDeleteNext, my husband and his name. In Mexico they use 2 last names. Husband and wives do not have the same last name. So my husband really has four names- 2 first names, 2 last names. (Let's pretend.... Juan Carlos Rodriguez Jimenez. (NONE of these are his/our real name, or even close!). He goes by Juan at work. Friends and family call him Carlos. When we got married, I took Rodriguez as my last name and dropped my maiden name. But in traditional Mexican culture I would have also had my own 2 last names... let's use yours and say I'm Kaelyn Kae Smith Jones. Women don't change their last names in Mexico typically- so he'd be Juan Carlos Rodriguez Jimenez and I would remain Kaelyn Kae Smith Jones. Our KIDS would then take one last name from each of us- It goes father's name first, then mother's. So our kids would be Ethan (middle) Rodriguez Smith and Asher (middle) Rodriguez Smith. (so really, it's the father's name from each parents that then goes down to the kid, and the second, or mother's last name gets lost.)
Now, when my husband became a citizen, he had the opportunity to reestablish his name! And he decided that he really didn't like the 2 last name thing, especially because I just took one (Rodriguez) and the kids just took Rodriguez too. So we were all Rodriguez, and he was Rodriguez Jimenez. Just annoying and confusing and he hated it. So he dropped his second last name (sorry to his mom- that one was hers!), and now we are all just Rodriguez. He is not emotional about things like names and had no qualms about dropping his second last name. Occasionally his mom gives him grief about it, but mostly jokingly.
Did ANY of that make sense?!?! haha. More than you ever wanted to know, I'm sure. 😂
I think you are generally more go with flow than I am. I think I would be IRATE if someone repeatedly called me by the wrong name, especially if they'd seen it in writing. *sigh* I need to be more like you and Birchie and think "no harm, no foul," particularly if it's someone I don't have an ongoing relationship with.
DeleteThe Mexican naming conventions are so interesting. I wonder your husband's family feels about his name changing? Did it hurt his mom's feelings? Maybe your husband isn't sentimental about it, but does anyone else give him flak about it?
Like Kaelyn, my husband has a long name (4 names, just like Ivan) since he's from Portugal, but he has changed it to a shorter name in Canada!
ReplyDeleteI've written about my name before (and have a post drafted for this week that touches on it as well). My name is easy to pronounce, but people misspell it all the time because I am Elisabeth with an "s" instead of a "z" - it doesn't bother me much, but I do get a little frustrated when people I've known for YEARS still write it wrong (despite seeing me sign my name a hundred times with an "s"). Once, a supervisor put in for a staff e-mail address which used my full name. She, despite working with me for YEARS, spelled it with a "z" - when I wrote her to mention it needed to be changed, she responded: you're sure you're name is with an "s"; did you just change it to that. Sigh. No, I have been e-mailing you almost daily for years, always with an...s.
I also wrote before about nicknames. It is the strangest thing; there are a handful of people that call me Liz, but it's a very random selection and none of them are people who know me well. I NEVER, EVER refer to myself as Liz and none of my family/friends do, so I have no idea why these people shorten it to this (the secretary at my doctor's office - who I love; one of my husband's former bosses).
I took my husband's last name when we got married because I loved it, but in Quebec, it's a big process if you want to change your name. I once met a couple who had identical last names BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED - I thought that was SO cool!
We have a niece named Elizabeth (with a z, sorry!) and her parents insist on the full name. Interestingly enough, she joined a family chat on Zoom recently and her nickname on there was Lizzie, so I wonder if she's going to go the nickname route as she gets older. She's already a teenager, so it's kind of late for a nickname (I think), but who knows? It IS interesting how we identify so strongly with names - why are we like this? Didn't Shakespeare teach us that a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet? There's something interesting in the psychology of it all.
DeleteAha, well I am a very clever sleuth so I now know your actual first name- but I'll probably still refer to you as NGS (I like Nicole's name for you.) I don't have many name woes- I did change my name when I got married, and that last name is kind of long. It's actually pronounced EXACTLY the way it's spelled, but people still mispronounce it 99% of the time- I think they see all the letters and get nervous.
ReplyDeleteYes, I bet they do get nervous with all those letters! It's interesting to me because I don't actually care much if my name is mispronounced, but the written form of it is super important to me! It's so weird.
DeleteI've been called the wrong first name off and on all my life. I've had my name misspelled more often than not. And my husband's name is a European spelling that trips up people in the US. My point being that I don't care what anyone calls me/us anymore, I've tried to correct people but they don't care. Therefore I just groove on the idea that someone bothered to send a card. Looking for the good, I guess
ReplyDeleteI really should adopt this attitude. You're obviously more laidback than I am and probably have a healthier outlook on life!
DeleteI have whined many times before about how often people think my name is Susan. Even people who have known me for awhile. Very irritating. And I also get a little annoyed when people refer to my husband as "Mr." instead of "Dr." But... then I try to let it go. I have screwed up with names A LOT, things that I remember with searing embarrassment, and so maybe this is karma.
ReplyDeleteI've known your name for years -- because of emails, I think? Or it comes up in my email when you submit a comment? -- but I have NO IDEA what nickname people might give you aside from the one you showed in your post! It's such a gorgeous name, too, I feel like I wouldn't want to shorten it either.
Because I'm so weird about names, I try to be so careful. I recently scoured my texts to see if my neighbor's name was Robin or Robyn because I didn't want to mess it up. I'm sure I've made mistakes, but I try not to and I'm pretty good about apologizing when I do mess it up. I also don't really care about "Dr." versus "Mr.", BUT if people are going to be all formal and use honorifics, I expect them to use the correct ones!
DeleteI did not know your name until you keyed me in this post w/ the reference to the best sports team every! I was so obsessed w/ gymnastics and the olympics back in 1996 so knew the names of the girls on the team.
ReplyDeleteI took my husband's last name when we got married because I hated my maiden name. It is long and often mispelled and it started with dot so giving my email address was a pain because I'd say lisa dot dot(rest of my name) and people would sometimes say - 2 dots? And i"ve to explain, no, the first syllable of my last name is dot. And so on.
My funny story about my name is that I was the 4th child and the 1st child my dad got to name. And he named me after a soap opera character. My dad is a very manly man and yet he watched soap operas on his lunch break. Apparently I was named after a very smart, assertive Lisa from The Bold and the Beautiful or As the World Turns or something like that. And then my middle name was going to be Suzanne but they realized my initials would be LSD. So they went w/ Anne instead, therefore giving me the most boring combination of names ever.
I was not MAD that the Magnificent Seven was so good. Moceanu's floor routine was SO AMAZING. I feel like it gave my name a bump for at least a couple of years.
DeleteOh, that dot dot thing does sound confusing. I would have changed my name, too, although I probably would have made my husband change his, too, because I'm all sensitive about the symbolism of taking the husband's name as a symbol of an exchange of property.
My middle name is Ann. So boring, I agree. At least yours has the e on the end!
Oh, my real name gets screwed up ALL THE TIME. People pronounce it wrong, which I am slightly more forgiving of in person (as long as it's not immediately after I've given the correct way) since my version is much less common in the US, so it's not an unnatural assumption. But when people reply to my email, with the email address that contains my name, by spelling it wrong, it does make me crazy. It's right there! Right there!
ReplyDeleteI think we're all learning that if someone sends you an email, make sure you spell their name right!!!
DeleteI figured out your name a while ago from the email that you use to leave comments on my blog, so "in my mind" I refer to you with that name. I can definitely relate to the fact that people have tried to shorten my name before (usually I introduce myself as "Sandra", and they call me "Sandy". Ahm, no, I am not a Sandy, thankyouverymuch.
ReplyDeleteAnd what is with addressing a woman by their husband's last name? That is just so not acceptable anymore in this day and age.
I actually only know one other girl/woman with your name, but did you know that the male version of your name is very common in Germany?
P.S. Now I obviously have to ask, do you prefer to be addressed as NGS, D, or Engie on your blog? :)
Oh, you know what? For as weird as I am about nicknames in "real life," I like NGS, D, and Engie! I find them all charming in their own ways. Call me what YOU like!
DeleteI am always fascinated by names! The name on my birth certificate (and the name that my parents/ grandparents gave me) is my Chinese name. But after I was born, someone at my parent's church said, "Oh that sounds like Diane." And that's how I got my English name - which is what I use now. I used to use the Chinese name on paperwork to prevent confusion, but I don't really bother to do that anymore - I do worry that someday I will run into a problem with the name on my birth certificate not matching any other official document that I now own. I have some relatives in Taiwan that call me by my Chinese name (or the diminutive of it), but most people use my English name. I've always thought it interesting that most of the Taiwanese/ Chinese people I know give their American born children English/European names, whereas other cultures I've noticed there tends to be more of an effort to give children intercultural names.
ReplyDeleteWhen my parents first came to this country, they took on English names. I never really asked them about it, but I do wonder if it was something they thought was necessary to do as new immigrants. They eventually went back to using their Chinese names. This was in the mid 1980s, and we lived in a very white town at the time; I think it was probably a very brave of my parents to reclaim their name even though people always asked them to repeat it, and they had to constantly be explaining how to pronounce it.
I do think the immigrant experience is really interesting, as your comment points out (and Elisabeth and Kae's). Names are so powerful and are your identity and if people just constantly mispronounce it or don't recognize it, I can absolutely see how it would be defeating. But it's also interesting what names immigrants give their children, particularly if some are born pre- and some are born post-move. I'm glad you brought this up because it's so important and people don't talk about it enough!
DeleteI hope you never run into issues with the name you regularly use being different from your "legal" name. I had an uncle named Leonard who never needed his birth certificate until he was in his 60s and he wanted a passport for travel. It turns out that his birth certificate had the name "Lesnalt" (he was born pre-typed legal documents and the flowy cursive was apparently a challenge). ANYWAY. He had to legally get his name changed from Lesnalt to Leonard to get a passport! It's a funny story, but was kind of a lot of work for him!
The first thing that stood out to me that "Dom" is also the short name for a friend of mine (actually the friend that is responsible - kind of - for getting me and my husband together). Names are interesting! Holiday cards are difficult. We actually have someone in the family who is especially happy if they will receive a card with Dr. and Mrs. if you can believe it. I am always hoping that they will look pass it and forget as soon as the card is out if I make a mistake
ReplyDelete...and you wrote my name wrong (Meike not Mieke -told you, it's difficult) - if I was on my phone now I would enter a laughing emoji
Oh, no! I fixed your name ASAP! I'm so sorry.
DeleteYes, I do know some old school people who really like the formality of titles. That's fine and I will respect that. But if you're going to use the titles, use the right ones, right?!
This is so fun in many ways. I can relate to the misspelling and shortening of the name. I have never accepted a shortened version of my name either. Only family family is saying it. My husband has its own nickname. And then there is one my mom uses but only in very very intimate situations. As for name changes. My husband actually took my last name so I didnt have any issues. However since he is half dominican my name now gets internationalized and pronouned in the english way. Weird, fun, I dont know. Now everyone talking about names I feel like I want to chime in and wrote my story. We'll see mayb maybe next year...
ReplyDeleteI do think of myself as AC or Anvilcloud on blogs etc, but I am John in real life. I don’t mind if bloggers call me John, and some do. I don’t absolutely hide my last name, but I am also not overly keen to use it. Anvilcloud is actually a derivation of a name one class ga e to me — Mr Storm Cloud. It was an affectionate rendering although it doesn’t sound like it.
ReplyDeleteNames are interesting and I really like the stories behind how blog names come to be, too, so I appreciate you sharing the origin of yours.
DeleteDominique is a beautiful name; I love it! I've been called Susan most of my life, now, I just grimace. Whatcha gonna do?
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to get holiday cards, so if people don't know the proper way to address them, I let it slide. Too many other issues in my world.
So, maybe I'm missing something...does NGS stand for something? Or is that just your preference for anonymity?
OMG. I just looked up at my tab and saw NGRADSTUDENT.blogspot. Yep, I'm not always the brightest bulb in the room. 😜😳
DeleteHa! Maybe I should have clarified my blog name. I do sort of prefer anonymity. I started this blog, lo those many years ago, when I was in grad school. It was "Neurotic Grad Student" and I went by that moniker for quite some time until I left and then just shortened it to NGS. I'm sorry if it confused you!
DeleteI have a very common first name, but it's spelled differently and it DOES sort of drive me crazy when people misspell it. I know it's so easy to misspell it so I try to give people a little grace, but sometimes I just want people to pay a little attention.
ReplyDeleteMy last name, on the other hand, I just hate it. It's very hard to pronounce and spell, and I always have to spell it out when I'm making appointments. I've always wanted to get married to someone with an easy last name JUST so I could have the experience of having an easier last name, haha.
Your name will always remind me of Dominique Moceanu! She was amazing, wasn't she? If you haven't read her memoir (I think it was called Off Balance?), it's WELL worth the read. The Karolyis were some awful people. ANYWAY.
Oh this is interesting - thank you for sharing some of the stories behind your name. People who assume nicknames are a) okay and b) something they know about a particular person (when they, um, don't) drive me bonkers. I often get "Annie", which, no, not an Annie, thanks! Thanks for the insights into your anonymous moniker on your blog... and for sharing all of this. :)
ReplyDelete