1) Once again, a huge shoutout to all of you for the continued outpouring of cards, packages, texts, emails, and everything else. Your support really has meant everything to me. I vow that I shall pay all of your kindness forward.
2) I am probably not going to do a recap of my trip to California because, to be honest, it wasn't a great time for me. I was so worried about my mom and then my mom died WHILE I WAS AT THE WEDDING RECEPTION, and then we were there, but I was wishing I wasn't, and it wasn't great. There were highlights (the happy couple! the ocean! meeting J!), but I wasn't at my finest (a very public apology to J for not getting me at my best - in another time, I absolutely would have wanted to go to the beach to watch the kite surfers and search for seashells and done more than just a couple exhibits of the museum).
If I'm being honest with myself, I do not know that I'll want to think much about this trip in the future. But here's a picture of me being me at the beach so you'll know I really was there.
3) Let's talk about my leg. Have you ever seen the x-ray? Let me find it and show it again. I had recent ones taken, but I don't know how to get a copy of those.
This injury took place in 2011 and over the years, as with the frog in the boiling water, I have started to have more and more problems with it.
I talked with an orthopedic surgeon who suggested two basic things: 1) remove all the hardware that is currently there, which would be a surgery more invasive than the original surgery, and then put in NEW MODERN hardware or 2) fuse the ankle so that it didn't it move. As you can imagine, neither of these options were appealing to me, so I set up some physical therapy appointments.
They haven't been magical, but they have been helpful. I no longer get out of bed and nearly fall over because the pain in my leg is too great. I am no longer taking Tylenol multiple times throughout the day. Can I run? Still no. Can I jump? I mean, sure, if I don't mind chewing Tylenol the next day. But as long as I don't do crazy impact things, I can do all the things. Let's call it a win.
4) I'm taking a page from Elisabeth's blog here and giving you some things that have made me happy recently.
a. I had a giant, all day long presentation (in front of 100 faculty members of my college) on Wednesday and it's done. It went mostly well, but they were working on the HVAC system in the student union, so it was boiling in our room and I was sweaty upon sweaty AND SO WAS EVERYBODY ELSE. But it's done! And I never have to do it again.
Yesterday a lot of people came to my office to say that the training was super useful and helpful and that our team did a great job. I also had a few emails. I'm coming up on two years in my current job and I'm finally starting to feel like the faculty realize that I'm helpful AND I'm starting to feel knowledgeable. Our team is great, too. I was going to post of picture my boss took of me at the event, but there are too many other recognizable faces in it, so just imagine me looking like a boss lady (drenched in sweat) holding a microphone and having a hundred people staring at me.
b. On Wednesday after that presentation I went to a yoga class at the community center and it was a mat class! No standing poses! Perfect since I'd been on my feet all day!
c. My SIL called me. That's it. That's the happy thing. She's really one of my favorite people in the world.
d. Birthday presents from my husband including some new earrings and a new yoga bag! A bit ago, I asked people for advice on a yoga bag that would carry my mat, blanket, two blocks, and a strap. Basically, people told me it was impossible and I gave up on my search. When I was at a class recently, someone had a PERFECT BAG and I asked them about the bag and then I asked for one for my birthday. (NOTE: That's an Amazon link. The company that makes the bag is a small business and when you go to their home page and try to buy directly from them, they send you to Amazon. I have accepted this as reality. Please don't throw eggs at my blog.) I have a blue bag. It is everything I have ever dreamed of in a yoga bag. (Okay, fine. Yes, I would prefer if it had a fun print or color, but you get what you get and you like it.)
You can wear it as a backpack or just have one strap slung across your back messenger bag style.
It has a blanket, a mat, two blogs, and a strap, and you'll notice there's still room at the top. When I take it to campus to do yoga, I add my leggings to the bag. PERFECTION.
e) Zelda the Cat recently went on strike and refused to eat her food. I researched and researched and we started her on a new food and she loves it and I refuse to think about how expensive it is. But now both Hannah and Zelda are eating WITHOUT ANY ISSUES and this has been so rare that I'm loving every meal time.
5) I'm just going to leave a photo collage of the last several days here with no explanation, in the style of Allison.
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*****************When's the last time you were at a beach? Do you have a recent purchase that makes you happy?
I went to the shore last year- it was not too hot, the waves were good, and I didn't have to go into the water. ( except my feet). We also explored a lighthouse area and saw NYC in the distance.
ReplyDeleteGlad the yoga bag is a win. My new fridge is a win, in practical terms, if not aesthetics.
Yay you found the unicorn yoga bag! I remember your search well and I'm so glad you have it! I used to look like a beast of burden when I went to teach, I'd have my giant mat and then so many bags filled with blocks and straps and my regular purse and water bottle and notebook and portable speaker...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your trip was so filled with sadness. I wouldn't blame you for never wanting to think about it again. And I'm sure J understood! She's been through it.
I remember reading about your leg a while ago and it sounds really painful. I'm glad something is helping and let's hope you don't have to do another surgery.
Beach...well...does the lake beach count, and does it count if I just walk by it in the morning? If so, Wednesday. If not, the last ocean beach was in Mexico in February.
Sorry about the trip and your loss, but then a lot of good stuff seemed to happen, or it seems so to me.
ReplyDeleteI was in line for fusion, but had to postpone the surgery, and then the rest of my body was beyond dealing with it. So, I guess I am doomed to hobbling until the end of my days.
Hmm... I think I would be considering the surgery! I mean... think of all the years of life you have ahead of you! You deserve to be able to jump and run! Of course, I don't know any of the details- like what the recovery would be like, or what the final outcome could be, so maybe I should stop talking. Anyway- glad to hear the PT is helping, and it does sound like you can do the things that are most important to you.
ReplyDeleteYeah... I can see why the CA trip won't live on favorably in your memory, sigh. I'm hoping you're still glad you went?
Why are cats SO PICKY??? Glad to hear Zelda is enjoying her expensive, gourmet food!
It's so hard when special days have hard memories associated with them. I have a few things like that in my past and it's really bittersweet. To be honest, I try NOT to remember those times because it feels weird to have something that was supposed to be fun/happy actually bring up sad memories. All that to say: I get this.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Jenny - neither option is appealing, but if the surgery would fix things long-term, I think I'd be tempted to go that route.
I went to two beaches last weekend (Friday and Saturday). I'm not a huge beach person, as the sand drives me crazy. But they were beautiful and it was fun and it felt very summery.
I'm so glad you get along so well with your SIL <3 And finding a unicorn item is THE BEST.
My favourite recent purchase? I can't think of any. But I have been loving my hammock so much the last few weeks. I bought it last year (or maybe the year before that), but it was so inexpensive, it's so easy to set up, it feels indestructible and it brings me so much joy. I took two short naps in it this week!
This comment is no insanely long. Sending hugs and love, Engie <3 <3
If Lake Michigan counts, a few months ago. If you're referring to the ocean, it's been seven years - the longest stretch of my life. But I'm going back to the PNW for a visit next spring and planning a day trip to the beach.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh. I did not realized your mom passed while you were on the trip. Gosh that is rough. I am actually impressed you didn’t any sightseeing with J. I think I would have just been staring off into space and trying to make intelligible conversation at that point.
ReplyDeleteBut yay for finding the right bag!! Your options do not sound great. I could possibly be convinced to do the surgery if I could regain pretty much complete functionality. But that sounds like a hard surgery!! I would not want the ankle fusion option. That does not sound great at all. I think that was an option for my dad before they started to do ankle replacement surgeries but he was able to hold off long enough and has had both of his ankles replaced.
Engie, you were amazing. I remember the day after my mom died, for some reason we went to breakfast, and I was holding it together and then one of my sisters called and I started crying, and the entire thing felt surreal and like I was in a Dali painting or something. I’m so thankful that you were able to manage, and I hope our time together was a bit of distraction. I’m sorry that this couple’s happy day is going to forever be associated with this huge loss for you, but it will. My mom died on Father’s Day, and the last time I talked to my dad (years later) was Father’s Day, and wow, Father’s Day sucks.
ReplyDeleteYAY on the yoga bag! Eh on the Amazon. I have been really good about buying at the source whenever I can, or doing without, but a few times it has indeed been Amazon. And my daughter just signed up for Prime for a month so we can watch ‘The Summer I Turned Pretty’. I can say that they get a lot less money from me than they used to, and that’s not worthless.
I’m pretty happy about the houseplants I bought at the Farmers’ Market last weekend.
Ouch - physically and emotionally. Sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteVery much empathize/sympathize with how difficult lower extremity injuries can be! I’ve had a couple of fractures in my feet and full ligament tears in my ankle and both have been very *not* insignificant in the course of my life tbh. I’m so sorry your injury was so severe! With your hardware, I wonder if the doctor suspected/indicated it was at all a “when, not if” situation, in terms of needing removal or an upgrade, etc.? Since in that case, it’s likely better to get that surgery and go through recovery as young as you can. I know it’s rarely easy to arrange these things with insurance and schedules and location etc. all at play but a second opinion might be worth it in this case. All that said, it’s great you’re feeling better with PT and it sounds like you can take your time seeing how things develop and making decisions from there.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the successful presentation, in unideal conditions no less! That sounds really gratifying, to get positive feedback from those who attended.
Last ocean beach for me was Cape Henlopen State Park in Delaware, which I highly recommend! The beach is beautiful and there’s a lot to see and do there in addition (history stuff, hiking, biking, wetland viewing, etc.). I was pleasantly surprised by it.
Congratulations on your presentation. It had to be tough under those circumstances, talking for awhile when everyone was hot and sweaty and wishing they were someplace else (and much cooler). I'm sure they all knew your value before that, but it's terrific that they validated it more tangibly afterward.
ReplyDeleteYour ankle Xray is a shocker. It looks very like my husband's back does now, except that he also has several vertebrae fused. I'm so very sorry for your pain and for the severe options that remain for you. I'd have opted for PT at this stage, too, I think. Start with the least invasive option and go from there. That's what I'm doing with my neck, and that's what Rick did with his back.
Grief is so personal, and such a journey. Time really is the biggest factor. Please do try to be patient with yourself, and very gentle.
Great news about Zelda! And Hannah. I'm happy about that for you. And I'm happy that we've finally gotten some rain here and cooler temperatures.
I'm sorry the trip is tangled with sadness and your leg needs work--that's a lot to carry. I hope time heals the first (cliche but seems to be the only healer) and PT continues to help with the latter. I'm terrified of surgery too, Engie--but if you think you can do it, it seems like it might significantly resolve some of the difficulty you're having?
ReplyDeleteAnd that's such terrific news about Hannah and Zelda. (knocking on wood!)
I was last on the beach a few months ago, and considering I live a ten minute walk from it, that's saying something---mostly that I take it for granted, I think. As for a recent purchase I'm happy with, it's a little thing, but I wanted to get a decorative box to put tissue boxes in, not just for the aesthetics but to weigh the box down, making it easier to pull tissues out (since at the start and end of a box, I'm always finding they don't want to come out and the process requires both hands). I found a cute decorated one on etsy and it is doing the job!
ReplyDeleteSorry about your leg pain, and all the big feelings right now.
ReplyDeleteI too know the grind of a day-long presentation in a hot room. Good to hear it went well.
First, I’m so sorry about your leg pain but it was so cool to see your x-ray! In my post-surgery Reddit deep diving, I’ve seen so much about hardware removal and/or replacement. I mean, I’m only 4 months out so I probably shouldn’t be deep diving this exact thing yet, but I can’t help myself… I’m glad PT has helped a bit! It’s such a slog sometimes, but I keep reminding myself that feet are literally foundational and worth the time I put into the repetition. Thinking of you for this and all the things.
ReplyDeleteYour leg! Oh wow. It's amazing how resilient and fragile our bodies are.
ReplyDeleteCalls with my SIL are highlights of my days too. She's on the west coast, so she'll often call me as she is walking to the BART station, which for me is that sweet spot of late morning after the kids are gone but before lunch.
I haven't been buying a lot of things for myself lately, but we did go school supply shopping and I love looking at pens and pencils and Post-its and markers. Now that I type this, I think i did slip something into the Staples pile for myself, but I can't remember what it was. I'm going to have to go through all the kids' stuff to find it. (Which makes me wonder - if I can't remember it now, should I have even bought it? )
I think the last beach I was on was during our South Africa trip, but we weren't allowed to go too near the water, so does that even count? I'm glad you got to go to the beach and experience the sun and wind and sand, even though the trip was all wrapped up in hard things too.
You found a bag! Yay! Also happy birthday fortnight. Can you have the surgery? What if it was a life changing fix?
ReplyDelete