Bestest Friend and I are doing a blog project. Each day we will write a blog post on a pre-determined theme chosen by a random noun generator. The theme for the seventh day of the month is "Contact."
****************
As you all know, I was visiting with my childhood friends last weekend. One of the discussions we had was about how few friendships we'd developed since we left school. I have very good friends from childhood, high school, college, and grad school. I have made a couple of friends in adulthood, but it gets so much more challenging as you get older.
But this devolved into a discussion about how you know if someone has made it past the acquaintance stage into true friendship. Here are some criteria we arrived at.
1. You do things together that aren't related to the thing that originally brought you together (work, kids, church, whatever).
2. You contact the person via phone/text/voicemail/voice notes/email on a regular basis. (We did a big discussion about whether or not my snail mail counts and we decided on no.)
3. You could call the person if you were in jail and they would come bail you out.
The question is if it should be an OR or an AND for this criteria. Is it 1 AND 2 AND 3 or 1 OR 2 OR 3?
What you think? How do you define when someone tips over from an acquaintance to a friend? Do you have different criteria than we came up with?
It could go either way for me: Best friends would have to be all three, of course; but I'd take friends even they only fulfilled one criterion. What about friends who'd help you commit a crime? Friends who understand you even when you're not communicating very well? Friends who know something is up even before you know it?
ReplyDeleteHmmm...I don't know. I think #1 really forces proximity on a friendship, which is why I'm hesitant to say it's all three. My best friend doesn't live near me, so we rarely do things together, but we are in contact a lot and I'd definitely call her to get me out of jail. LOL.
DeleteFascinating questions. I feel like I'm the reverse in that I was a very introverted and isolated (read: unpopular) kid/teen. I have a LOT more friendships now than I did at any other point in my life and only a handful from high school and university (3 total between both of those places), none of whom I'm overly close to. My current best friends are all friendships that have been fostered in the last decade or so!
ReplyDeleteI literally have no idea how to even meet people as an adult! Since I work from home and don't go to church, it's really been a challenge. I meet people at book club and in my volunteer work, but it's been hard to really turn those into true friendships. Interesting that you are the opposite!
DeleteI also feel like I have developed more friendships since HS/college. But as I mentioned yesterday, I came out of HS with no long-lasting friendships. I made a lot of friends in college but there are only 3 college friends that I see on a regular basis and consider core friends. So my core friends are people that I see on a fairly regular basis. Some I see more than others as it requires so much planning to see them. But close friends are the kind of people who I'd have over with very little planning or advanced warning. And I can be completely real with them and don't have to apply any sort of filter when discussing what is happening in my life.
ReplyDeleteHm. I feel like I would actually welcome anyone into my home with little planning or advance warning, so that wouldn't be a good criteria for me. Seriously! Any blogging friends out there! If you find yourself in southeastern Wisconsin, my guest room is ready for you! But, if you are private about your home space, I could see how this would be a powerful way of indicating true friendship.
DeleteAs a result of the pandemic isolation months and aging/people retiring and moving away, I find that many friends are now acquaintances. Going from close to just somebody I know. It makes me sad, but we all grow in our own ways so I figure that's how it is.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...I refuse to believe this is how it is! It's interesting to think about retirement as a reason for friendships to falter, so I'm going to make sure that when I get closer to retirement age, I try to make sure this doesn't happen to me.
DeleteI don't have any friends from high school, and only one from the college years. I really didn't enjoy those times so didn't make an effort to maintain relationships. I think your criteria are good- I don't think it has to be all three, just one would suffice. Although I agree with Maya that all three would qualify someone as a BEST friend.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny? The four of us really did hate high school, but we found a lot of comfort in each other, so I feel really connected to them. There are two or three other people who were part of our core group in high school and I'm really sad that they don't reciprocate my efforts at reaching out for them. They really have just faded away and that makes me so sad.
DeleteArgh, this is an area I feel like I'm really terrible. Anytime people start talking about "friendships", I kind of cringe because I have so many mixed feelings/ confusion on that topic. So, I have a LOT of acquaintance type friends. Many are what I would consider quite good acquaintances, as in we chat a lot, often even text about things (though USUALLY mostly related to some sort of shared topic- usually it's other mom friends. So we text re: swim stuff, or kid stuff, etc, but the texts and chats are very friendly and do sometimes kind of spill over into other arenas.). I spend time with these people at games, meets, etc and I exchange Christmas cards with many of them... But literally none of them have ever truly moved into what I would consider "actual friend" territory. Like, I don't call them up and make random dinner plans, or go to concerts with them, or have them over to my house. I have been to graduation parties for their kids or that sort of thing, and we've done lunches after a swim meet with the kids. But it always comes back to that anchor thing that "ties" us together. I am not sure why this is. I vacillate between caring, and not. This feels comfortable and low pressure as is. Yet I occasionally feel a little sad that I never take any steps toward crossing the bridge to true friendship. But then I think, well, none of these people are apparently making an effort to do that with me, either. So then I think, well, they must not want to.... and the idea of it all makes me feel a little generally awkward. I am so busy etc with the kids anyway that I guess it's not currently a huge priority for me to find lots of other things to do with my time besides what I already have going on. I sometimes feel if I had a lot of true friendships, it would almost feel like another thing I have to fit in. Which sounds terrible, but I'm just being honest. When I DO have free time, I often just want to be by myself! Or with my husband/ kids. I do sometimes feel though like "everyone" else seems to have a ton of friends and I don't, and I don't really know why this is and I sometimes feel bad about it. My husband says I'm just really not that "social"- like I don't seek out a lot of opportunities, etc. I had an extremely close friend all through school who I still am in very light contact with, but it's nothing like before... this makes me quite sad. I would personally love to still be closer with her, but she lives far away and seems pretty wrapped up with multiple children and a whole life of her own now. When I do reach out, it's nice, but I don't hear a lot from her and I guess staying in touch doesn't seem like a big priority to her.... I'm always the one who reaches out. With how close we were all those years, I had always thought we would be the adult women texting each other every little thing and seeing each other multiple times a year, etc. But during college we were separated and I guess got wrapped up in all of our own things. We both got married and had kids pretty young, too, shortly after college, which probably didn't help matters. Anyway, I probably sound like a big Eyore over here now. haha. This is a complicated topic for me and one I often tend to avoid.
ReplyDeleteYou don't at all sound like an Eeyore! You sound like you have a pretty clear-eyed view of your situation, and maybe some decisions to make when your kids are older and don't occupy as much of your time - and that's fine!
DeleteHm. I think that the reason I can focus on friendships so deeply is because I don't have kids. As Allison said, I imagine that if you want to change your relationship with your friends (and it seems like you're a bit ambivalent about it!), maybe you can in another five years when your boys are both of out of the house and you have more time to devote to relationships outside of your family. And if you don't want to, you don't have to!
DeleteI'm sorry I made you cringe and feel uncomfortable with this topic! It's how I feel when people talk about end-of-life planning and wills!
Oh my, no apology necessary!!! It's a perfectly good conversation/post topic. :-) It's not like a "bad" cringe, more of just a bit of a casual "ugh I'm so bad in this area!" cringe.... ;) I think it's just complicated for me because part of me wishes I had amazing friends and feels a little sad and confused as to why I don't, part of me isn't sure it wants the effort/time that goes with that anyway, and part of me is totally content as is. haha.
DeleteI agree! I don't have kids so I don't even have mom friends, and I am slow to warm up to people or to let people in so making "real" friends is more of a challenge for sure. I have found a lot of kindred spirits through running, but it takes a lot of effort and I do often feel like the effort is all one sided (aka I reach out more than some of the others) in many cases. Case in point: I saw my neighbor go out for a run and thought I would ask her if she wanted company the next time and she enthusiastically said yes; I followed up again and she said yes, but since then I have not followed up and she has not reached out or touched base at all. It makes me wonder, is she busy, did she not like me...?? It is hard! But I do feel like it should be a two way street. So I guess THAT is what I feel makes a good friendship!
DeleteI think the snail mail is definitely a beautiful way to keep in touch! I would consider that a big reach out of friendship. I think it's lovely.
ReplyDeleteI was talking with a very good friend recently - and we became friends when we were in our late 30s, through yoga - and I think the hallmark of a really great friendship is the ability to show up for a person, not just through social media, but really showing up. If a person is local to me, that means PHYSICALLY showing up. It means actually being there, if not in person, then over the phone. I have some very good friends who we regularly either see each other or call each other to check in. I also have some very good friends who are not local (shout-out to Allison above, I love you Allison), and we check in via messenger many times a week. It's not feasible for us to see each other in person and because of the time difference, phone calls don't work, but it's vital for us to check in.
I am a pretty easy going person when it comes to friend definitions, though. I tip people into friend category often but going from friend to Really Good Friend is a bit different.
Yes, I think showing up is key. I live far away from a lot of my friends, so texts, snail mail, and phone calls are what people get from me. I sometimes don't think it's enough, but it's all I can really do most of the time.
DeleteIt's 1 and 2 and hopefully 3 (LOL) for me! It's interesting y'all haven't made as many friends since school - all of mine are post school!
ReplyDeleteAgain, I don't know about 1 being required. I don't really see my best friend all that often, but we are in regular contact!
DeleteI've really been thinking about this! I am only social-media-friends with my best friend from high school, and I'm not in touch with anyone from college. My longest-standing friend, we met when we were five, and we are definitely still very good friends, and there for each other, visit each other, all that. However. With one of my other friends, who I met as an adult, we are always in touch, emailing little bits throughout the day and sharing things, and it makes me realize that the from-age-5 friend and I don't do that. She doesn't seem to want to? Because I have tried to reach out to her in that daily way and it just doesn't seem to connect. I think she's much more an in-person friend, which means there's a lot of catching up to do when we do get together ("Did I tell you I broke my ankle?" "No?"). Whereas the "adult" friend (that sounds so weird) and I know much more about each other's daily lives. I met her through knitting, and we have two other friends from the same stitch and bitch group that I'm almost as close to. It really helped to have a regular get-together with a common interest: it cemented our friendships so that they have remained strong as we all moved away from the two towns we lived in when we met. I've made friends through knitting after moving down here, too, but they aren't yet at that call-anytime level. We do get together and have lunch or dinner, and knit and chat, and I feel like we're cementing things that way.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting how varied friendships are. I am not in regular contact with my high school friends, but when I randomly texted them to see if I could stay in their guest room, it wasn't like they were shocked! But I actually don't stay with my best friend when I visit her!
DeleteIt's good you know which of your friends is the reaching out to daily type and which isn't. It makes some decisions easier, that's for sure.
I don't talk to anyone from HS or college - my core friend group is made up of people I met post-college. Some I met when I joined a book club on Meetup in my mid-twenties, some from work, and some from blogging! I have very few best friends and those are the people I will tell EVERYTHING to, and the people I want to keep updated about what's going on in my life on a near-daily basis. Close friends are people I want to see at least on a monthly basis and will check in regularly with but usually for a specific purpose (not just to talk). And acquaintances are people I don't text or check in with too often, but I will get together with them if the opportunity arises.
ReplyDeleteYou people who made friends as adults amaze me! How do you even do it? It just seems so hard to me!
DeleteI definitely have a range of friends (from kindergarten up through college and beyond)... and a lot depends on circumstances. Actually none of my close friends is local (woomp!), so the amount of time we actually spend together is very limited.
ReplyDeleteFriends are people who I can exchange long emails/messages with or spend hours (literally!) on the phone catching up. I also noticed that friendships go through ebb and flows... and even though I might not talk/text with someone super-regularly, I know I can call them if I needed them.
There's a lot of "grey zone" here.
I would say 1, 2 and 3. I've tended to lose touch with friends from earlier stages of my life. Or kept in touch but not stayed as close as we once were. Both of the friends that I would say I'm closest to now I met about 10--15 years ago.
ReplyDeleteI have so many treasured friendships, and I think they all would help me commit a crime, cover a crime scene and help me with an alibi. :) Just don't tell my LEO daughter any of this as she wouldn't be proud. :) I have no criteria for a friend or acquaintance, it all just flows.
ReplyDeleteIt is fascinating to read everyone's responses. Everyone is so different in terms of the structure of their lives (work, where they work, where they live...), the people in their lives (kids, no kids, spouse, no spouse), etc. For me? I suck at making friends as an adult. For example - it was so nice to connect with you in person but then my usual issues crept in: chronic medical stuff that I can't predict, my inner critic telling me no one wants to spend time with me, etc. Sigh. I'm kind of a major mess.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting. I'm impressed with people who have deep, abiding friendships with people from adulthood. It seems like an impossible task to me.
Delete