All That Is Mine I Carry with Me by William Landay

 

All That Is Mine I Carry with Me by William Landay is a family drama.  We follow the Larkin family as the mother, Jane, goes missing. Her husband, Dan, a successful defense attorney, becomes the prime suspect, but no body is found and years go by. Her three children - Alex, Jeff, and Miranda - are left to grow up with no closure about their mother's disappearance and with suspicions about their own father who must continue to raise them. Their mother's sister Kate tries to fill the void left by Jane, but as time goes by, it gets harder and harder for this family to operate with its veils of secrecy and silence.

The book is told through four different points of view. The first is a schoolmate of Jeff's, decades later, who is a writer who decides that the might write about this case; the second is the deceased Jane's perspective; then we hear from Jeff; and the last few chapters are told from an aged Dan's point of view as he slowly declines into dementia. 

I was absolutely riveted by this book and found it impossible to put down. The writing was sharp and crisp and the ambiguity of what happened to Jane was so well done. I changed my mind about it several times before coming to my own conclusion, although I am not certain if I would hold to my opinion if I were on a jury. The family drama and splits seemed so real to me, as if I were reading a true crime book instead of a fictional account.  It was absolutely engrossing and fascinating, although it was, of course, full of challenging themes (sexual assault, harassment, and murder are all prominent in this book, so beware).  

4.5/5 stars

Lines of note:

It is one thing to fail, as we all do, and another thing to live with that failure year after year, to carry it around in your pocket and worry it with your fingers. (page 46)

Can a get a big hell yeah from my perseverators? 

Every family is odd, but every family seems normal to a young child born into it, for a while at least. (page 66)

You do not know what's accepted as "normal" until you leave your own home. It's strange to think about what is standard in one household and how strange it would be in another with a different culture and makeup. You think the questions of whether or not to wear shoes in the house or how we do laundry have a variety of answers, just imagine the vast differences in things like cultural celebrations, religion, and how much talk of Congressional politics gets discussed at the table.

Along the way, I pass my old grammar school and playground, the houses of old friends, a meandering tour of my childhood. It is all subtly changed, unfamiliar, dissociating, unsettling - weird. (page 185)

If you move away from the place you grew up and then you return, it's as if someone has taken your memories and put them into a snowglobe and shook them up. Things are sort of there, of course, but it's not quite right. I love hearing authors try to describe this feeling. 

Word I looked up:

Tristesse (page 208) - a state of melancholy sadness (This is not the romantic tristesse you might imagine from movies.)