Bestest Friend and I are doing a blog project. Each day we write a blog post on a pre-determined theme chosen by a random noun generator. The theme for the twenty-fifth day of the month is "Relationship."
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Kaelyn recently had a post about how we're all basically just mediocre and that's great because not everyone needs to be or can be super successful and what is success anyway as long as we're kind and caring and vote for the best candidates? And it really resonated with me because I mostly just want to be the kind of person who is left alone to read my books, walk my dog, and talk to my husband about whether or not we have enough wrapping paper for the birthday presents we have to wrap. I don't want to be the person who is in charge and is super competent and makes plans and does everything.
And I sort of think that way about my marriage, too.
I adore my husband. I think he's definitely more than mediocre in intelligence, he's hard-working, he's patient, and he's creative in coming up with solutions to problems. He's also forgetful, a tiny bit reckless, resents authority figures in a way that makes me nervous that he has regular interactions with police officers,
(For a very small window of time, he was on a committee with the chief of the campus police. There was an email exchange in which the police chief shortened by husband's name with a different nickname than my husband uses, so my husband responded in kind by shortening the police chief's first name that he also doesn't use in the reply email. It was all passive aggressive and HILARIOUS. Because the police chief is a bit of a power-hungry tool.)
and has food preferences that drive me absolutely batty.
But we work well together, forgive each other's foibles, and are the same page about the big things, like how to care for the girls, finances, and how we spend time. But it's just an average marriage, right? We're not winning couple of the year for our great couple's trips, our system of communication, or posting great matching outfit posts on Instagram. We're just happy to be with one another and that makes it perfect for us, but we're not shaking up the world with some new form of marriage that will revolutionize the world.
It's February and I just checked that I have never written on this blog about our Valentine's Day tradition and how it came to be and how it represents the absolute mediocrity of who we are.
The year we were engaged, I was working three jobs and really was taxed beyond my mental ability. I sort of forgot it was Valentine's Day until I got home and somehow realized that I hadn't considered a gift or a card or anything for Dr. BB. Now, I sort of thought that anything that happened that year we were engaged would set the tone for the rest of relationship and I knew that February is depressing as hell for me and if we skipped celebrating Valentine's Day for the rest of our lives because I forgot in 2008, I would regret it.
So after we ate dinner, I dug around in my crate of crafting supplies
(My mom is a big crafter and is constantly disappointed that I don't really do many crafty things. She's occasionally impressed with my sewing projects, but generally my sister is the one who does the crafting. ANYWAY. Because of my mom's influence/gifts, I have a lot of paper, stickers, felt, punches, stamps, inkpads, colored pencils, markers, and just general crafting supplies. Don't get me started on the number of buttons and random beads I own. I store them all in a Budweiser crate that I also got from my mom for this purpose. Why Budweiser? No one knows.)
and found construction paper and a Sharpie and I sat down at the coffee table while we watched a DVD of Buffy and I made him a card.
And now every year on Valentine's Day, we sit at the table after dinner and make each other cards. One time we were traveling on Valentine's Day and I even brought some paper and markers with us (we borrowed a pair of scissors from the front desk - I am not even joking) and we made them in our hotel room. It's our tiny way of saying "this holiday is about love and I love you."
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| Dr. BB's 2023 creation for me. Pretty minimalist, but hilarious. |
Obviously, neither of us is a great artist, but the thought behind the cards and the time we spend together making them is always memorable.
Two other tiny traditions in our house:
1) On our wedding anniversary, we always take a photo of the two of us. These photos vary in quality and whether or not I have brushed my hair, but if no other photo exists of the two of us in a given year, we'll always have our anniversary photo for the holiday card.
2) For Christmas, we open our presents before we travel anywhere else. Just the two of us (and Zelda who likes to play in the boxes and Hannah who LOVES to destroy the wrapping paper).
Nothing super exciting or above average. But absolutely wonderful.
What's a tiny tradition in your house that you'll never give up?
What a sweet Valentine's Day tradition!
ReplyDeleteSomehow, I celebrate Valentine's Day with the kids, but not my spouse. The spouse and I always celebrate the anniversary of our epic first date and always take a trip somewhere without the kids every year.
Also, I invented "Boss Days." Basically, we celebrate everyone's "birthday" every month. So if someone's birthday is on March 4th, it's their Boss Day on the 4th of every month and they get a small present (usually a book and some treats) and they get to pick dinner (home/restaurant) and a family activity (show/game).
Oh, boy! Boss Day sounds like a lot of pressure. I think I'd rather have "someone tell me what to do day" where someone makes all the decisions for me for a day! It sounds like a really lovely tradition for your family!
DeleteI love your Valentine's tradition. I like to celebrate our first date anniversary and our first date half anniversary, though sometimes "celebrate" just means mentioning it.
ReplyDeleteYes, sometimes "celebrate" is code for "acknowledge" in our world!
DeleteBack to the beginning of this post- I also sometimes feel like I should be forming a corporation or running across the country to raise money for charity, or doing something BIG with my life. But no, I just want to putter around and do my things, and just try to be kind. Seems kind of lame compared to what some people manage to do with their lives. Anyway, it sounds to me like you have a great marriage! I thought it was so touching that you guys make valentines for each other. I'm trying to think of traditions around our house- we have a bunch surrounding Christmas and birthdays. Everyone gets homemade cinnamon rolls on their birthday- now that my son is in college I send him a care package with his cinnamon rolls. We used to also celebrate half-birthdays, but that's fallen by the wayside in recent years.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I don't want to run the world. I just want to walk my dog and read on the couch with my cat. I mean, sure, I want to be kind to others, but I am just not ambitious at all!
DeleteOh Engie. I love this post so much! Your little traditions are just so sweet and so "you." I am a huge believer that no one ever knows what goes on in a marriage other than the people in the marriage; sometimes I will see all these grandiose posts on social media about someone and their spouse, and then next thing you know - divorced. So obviously there is so much we don't see behind the scenes and I loved this little peek into your life. We don't really do anything for Valentine's around here, other than me baking cake and cookies, but one year we were travelling in Egypt, and we were in Luxor on Valentine's Day, and it was just so lovely and special. I heard recently on a podcast about people in a relationship - doesn't have to be a marriage, could be a sibling or close friend - developing a language that no one else really can understand. It was so interesting to me to hear these things (we do have words that we use that really would make no sense to anyone else). Anyway, I loved, loved, LOVED reading this very sweet post!
ReplyDeleteI love hearing about the language we use with close friends and family that doesn't always translate - familect is what she called in the book Because Internet. It's such a lovely way of knowing your relationship is grounded in time and love!
DeleteOnce I published this comment and reread it, I wanted you to know - IN CASE IT WASN'T CLEAR - that I in no way am suggesting that there is a divorce for anyone around here! Just...no one ever really knows what goes on in a relationship, good or bad, and I loved seeing this post. I hope that was clear!
ReplyDeleteHa! I didn't read it as you thought we were having trouble. I think it's a fine line on a personal blog about how much to talk about relationships. On one hand, if you never talk about your partner, it seems weird, like there *might* be a problem. On the other hand, if you talk about them all the time, it's seems weird, too, like you're overcompensating for something wrong. You honestly just can't tell! Things ARE good here, but of course that's what I'd say if they weren't, too!
DeleteYou are so right about mediocrity. Most of humanity is this way. I certainly am. As for traditions, we lose some of them a bit as we age. This year Valentines came and went, almost without notice, except to notice that we weren’t noticing it. We were all wrapped up in post-surgery life and that was that. Family decorating of the Christmas tree has been a thing for a very long time, a tradition that daughter has picked up. Our anniversary must include a pizza as we had one delivered to our motel on our wedding night.
ReplyDeleteTraditions definitely can go to the wayside quickly when other things take precedence, like health and other stressors. The year I broke my leg, we didn't put up a Christmas tree or send cards or do anything. It will always be there next year! In the meantime, I hope you're feeling better ASAP!
DeleteI understand. We seem surrounded by people who broadcast their lives online, making much of themselves in some way in order to become Celebrities. Privacy and Simplicity are such precious commodities these days.
ReplyDeleteYour Valentine's Day tradition is wonderful and sweet.
I really don't want to become a celebrity! Imagine how stressful it would be if you had to look perfect to leave the house to walk your dog!
DeleteI love your Valentine's Day tradition. Totally worthy of Instagram posts and Ted Talks and self-help books about how you can "craft your love." I smell a big marketing opportunity here. LOL. But I am with you on mediocre. I feel like my marriage is exactly what I want. Would I turn down more flowers and travel and romantic gestures? No, probably not. But it also sounds like a lot of ever-escalating pressure.
ReplyDeleteOne little tradition I don't see us ever giving up is the "surprise" birthday tradition, which is where we wrap the other person's presents and put them on the kitchen table while the other person is sleeping, so they will be "surprised" when they first enter the kitchen on their birthday. I can't remember if we did that before we had the kiddo, but now we can NEVER FORGET TO DO IT or our lives will be in ruin.
Well, I can see that you are on the same page as me with regards to traditions being small and sweet. I can only imagine how excited your daughter gets when she sees all the presents laid out in the morning!
DeleteI think your valentine's day card tradition is adorable! I can't say I can ever see my husband wanting to do that, so I guess that's out for us. ha. But it's so sweet!
ReplyDeleteI am definitely not one who aspires to be the greatest or head honcho of anything either. My son asked me recently what my next steps were at work, if I was planning to try to like, take my boss' job or get a "promotion", etc. And I was like... ummm...... because honestly I have zero desire to keep climbing the ladder. I mean, I'm open to growth and opportunity, but I'm just not someone who wants to run the show or keep going until I'm at the top. I mostly just want my career to fit well into the rest of my life, while hopefully remaining interesting and fulfilling in general. I have never felt myself to be a natural leader, either. I'm generally too shy and probably lack the necessary confidence to ever be "the big boss". And the biggest thing for me is that I just don't want the extra responsibility, the extra time, etc. I even felt that way after I graduated from college and was working as a nurse. Several of my coworkers started going back to school to become nurse practitioners, but it just didn't speak to me- mostly because I wasn't sure I wanted that level of extra responsibility! Sometimes I feel a little bad about it, or wish I felt differently, but overall I think there are just too many other things I enjoy in life that I want to keep space for. If I were constantly striving to get to that next step, I think it would really infringe on the rest of my life, and the time I have for my kids probably, too.
Yes, we can't all be ambitious! We just can't be! And the world would be a terrible place if everyone was desperately trying to take their boss's job! So, like you, I'm just a kind of go with the flow kind of gal with respect to paid work. I want to be good at it and be useful, but I don't ever need to be in charge really.
DeleteI like your Valentine's Day card tradition. It's uniquely you, which is why it's so sweet.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a person who has to be the best. If there's anything undergrad taught me, it was that I'm the consummate B+ student, never an A student. Accepting this has made my life less angsty, knowing I'll just be me and that's good enough.
I like the "less angsty" perspective. Once we acknowledge who we are and what our priorities REALLY are, life does get easier, doesn't it?
DeleteI think this is the sweetest tradition ever! And I love his card for you. I agree, its really the small gestures that make the day to day special.
ReplyDeleteI've also never strived to be the best at anything. I consider passing a grade in school as Excellence. 😜 And forgot competing in sports or games. Nah....not my jam.
We have a Date night each week on Friday that we started about 12 years ago. Nothing special, just dinner out together. If for some reason we're busy with something else, or one of us is away, we always make it a point to 'make up' the missed Friday as soon as we can. I'm sure we have other traditions after almost 38 years together, but nothing is jumping out right now.
We go to the grocery store on Friday nights together and we call it date night. LOL. It messes up our whole schedule if we can't do it because we have another obligation. It's sweet that you still have weekly dates after all these years!
DeleteThis is a very sweet tradition! And definitely something my husband would NOT be on board with. Ha. We are the anti-card household, and that is really driven by my husband. He finds the cost of greeting cards so ridiculous so he doesn't buy them! I still buy cards for other family members, though. But last year I won the superbowl squares pool at work (you buy squares and win money if the scores ends w/ the numbers you are assigned). I ended up winning $1,500 and that prompted my husband to buy me a card. I practically wanted to frame it since it's such a rare occurrence for him to spend money on a card! I guess he thought the $3 was worth in since we had just won $1,500!
ReplyDeleteWe don't have much in the way of traditions in our house yet, though. We always stay home for Christmas so we can celebrate with Phil's mom who is a widow. I think/hope we'll develop more traditions as the kids get older. My favorite tradition from my childhood is that my dad would stay home on the morning of our birthday (he was usually at work already when he woke up) so he could sing happy birthday to us with my mom. And then we got to pick what my mom made for dinner which was a big deal in a house with 5 kids! So I have really really great birthday memories that have very little to do with what I got for gifts.
Yes, I don't dwell on how much cards cost because I love them so much, but the deal with the homemade cards is that we have all this stuff lying around the house, so it gets used!
DeleteYes, I generally don't think about gifts from when I was a child, but rather what we regularly did together. I'm sure that things will fall into place for you as your kids get bigger.
I know I'm commenting very late, but this is just TOO adorable. I love Dr. BBs card from this year and the whole tradition in general.
ReplyDeleteWell, it's our little ritual and I love it, too!
DeleteThis is such a sweet tradition! I love it, and I love this idea that it's OKAY to aspire to mediocrity. I struggled a lot in my mid-twenties because I felt like I was living such a mediocre life and shouldn't I aspire to greatness? Now, I'm happy with where I am in life. Nothing too grandiose, but perfect for me.
ReplyDeleteRight? I think it's fine to just want to be mediocre and average! Maybe we should try to institute a "National Day of Mediocrity"!
DeleteYou guys are awesome in your own special way <3
ReplyDeleteI love this so, so much. Tiny traditions are what glues relationships together. We always celebrated our first date-i-versary. Not so much our, you know, *actual* anniversary. :)
ReplyDelete