Tough Day

Today the city took me by surprise. It hadn't happened in so long that the overwhelming feeling of oppression seemed that much worse. The hum of the city seemed to be more of a blare. The sirens in the background, the honking of cars, the squeal of the brakes of the train, the whistle of the wind blowing sleet into my face, the faceless voices talking into cell phones ("I'm on the train. I'll be there in ten minutes. Okay. Sure. Did you pick up Bobby? Someone needs to stop and get milk." Shut the fuck up, people. Wait until you get there and then have the discussion about milk.), and even the comforting zing of the electrical lines seemed to be decibels and decibels louder than normal. And the buildings seemed closer together. And the cars faster. And the people ruder. And I came very close to a panic attack. But, as I crossed a street and felt the tears start to come close, I (fortunately) caught sight of someone I know. I couldn't possibly have this person see me in tears and unable to continue walking on the sidewalk. I paused, briefly, took a deep breath, and berated myself for my silliness. All the things that I normally enjoy about the city are suddenly freaking me out? Stupid, stupid, stupid girl. (Okay, maybe I'm not stupid, but it was definitely a stupid, overblown reaction.) I continued on and the day turned out to be fine. There were a few moments when the desperation attempted to peek through, but, for the most part, I got work done and it was fine. But it was a tough day and left me with a sensitivity that led me to say at dinner with friends, "there is a lot of stress here," and led them to say, "no, there isn't - what's wrong with you?" So I'm not as good at hiding a bad day as I thought I was. Tomorrow will be better. The city will once again be full of wonder and excitement. I will smile at the cell phone users. I will enjoy the energy and the noise. I will live my life as usual. Because, unlike in times past, days like this are rare. And for that I am grateful. Until then, I will go to bed and sleep away this tension and stress.