Bestest Friend and I are doing a blog project. Each day we will write a blog post on a different theme chosen by a random noun generator. The theme for the sixth day of the month is "Reflection."
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A young person in our community recently died. It has been very sad and seeing the teenagers in our community rally around the family has been lovely, but so heartbreaking.
For reasons having to do with the fact that we have NO STAFF, I worked the celebration of life at the community center for this young man. And the whole thing was just unbearable for me. Parents shouldn't have to make decisions like what caterer to use or what photographs to use as centerpieces. You shouldn't have to go to a funeral for a classmate when you're still in school. But it does happen, doesn't it? We're all just one accident away from this very thing. One moment away from our families having to make these decisions.
Last week I mentioned to my husband that I hadn't seen our neighbor R out in the yard in a while. She's obsessed with gardening and she's almost always out when I walk the dog. We hadn't seen her car in a bit, either, so I assumed she was on vacation or something. But then a couple of days ago, I saw someone who was not R coming out of her apartment. I asked this STRANGER if he knew where Robyn was and he said VERY NONCHALANTLY "oh, she's been in the hospital - she had a brain aneurysm - but she's home now." DUDE. That is NOT nonchalant news.
So, I need your help. What should I do for my neighbor? Now that I'm paying attention, it does seem like there's someone over there all the time. Should I make them food? Muffins and soup? Should I offer to do yardwork. No, no I will not offer that. Should I offer to sit with her? WHAT DO I DO?
Hug your loved ones. It only takes a moment.
I think there are limits to the diet you can have after something like that, so maybe some fresh blueberries or something healthy (I think sugar and salt are supposed to stay at a minimum), and I am sure an offer to sit with her would be much appreciated. I would say that yardwork would be intimidating if she is always doing it herself, although maybe that would be good since I am sure she is wishing she is out there doing it herself!
ReplyDeleteHmm... I almost feel like the food would be for her caretakers and not her, if you know what I mean! But I would certainly put a list of ingredients along with any food I send over to avoid any issues.
DeleteOh Engie. This is so sad. What a tragedy, when a young person dies. I can't imagine the pain of that family.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your neighbour too. If it were me I would take over muffins or some other baked item, with a card. In my old neighbourhood, there were many elderly people who had bought houses there in the 60s, and by the time I left they were a fragile lot. I would get pretty nervous if I hadn't seen one of them for a while.
I feel terrible that I didn't send her a text earlier. We did notice she wasn't around. I'm not sure I could have done anything to help, but at least I could have offered. Oh, well. Too late now. I'll just have to take action now that I do know.
DeleteWhile I was teaching high school, we had to come to terms with the deaths of several students. It was always shocking and terrible. And so very, very unfair. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that your neighbour is able to be home now and convalescing. Offering some cheery flowers and anything homemade is wonderful. And certainly you can show up and pull weeds or cut grass--anyone can do those two things, and they'll be much appreciated by a person who likes a neat yard.
It's the Kindness of Concern and Presence that will be appreciated the most.
Ha ha ha. I am NOT touching her yard. She is SO particular and our yard looks like a goblin vomited green everywhere. There are RULES. LOL.
DeleteI would definitely take food. A friend recently passed (it was shocking - less than a week after diagnosis) leaving a devastated wife and two boys (11 and 14). I asked another friend (who is sadly also a widow, with three kids) what helped the most:
ReplyDelete- Food. Don't ask, just take it. Though Kyria is right that different recoveries may require different diets.
- Show up; they'll generally tell you if they want to be left alone. But leave them up to them. Never say "let me know what I can do" because then that puts the onus on them.
- Things like taking garbage to the curb, raking leaves, weeding a flower garden can be overwhelming and hard to find someone to help with.
In terms of grief, the other thing she mentioned (not relevant for your recovering neighbour) was how important it was for her kids to be able to keep living their lives as normally as possible. In addition to organizing a meal train for months for this family (5 meals a week + one fruit/veggie tray + muffins each week to help with snacks and lunchboxes), I'm also trying to include their boys in as many activities as possible. The younger boy has been coming to track meets with my son to cheer him on; coming over for meals and to play hallway soccer, walking with us to school etc. While he's grieving the loss of his Dad, he needs life to go on and I know how hard it is for his mom who is still so shocked at the loss of her husband to find energy to keep life fun for the boys. So I'm trying my best to take them under my wing and provide a happy - yet respectful - place for them to still be kids who just, so desperately tragically, have lost their father. The youngest celebrates his 12th birthday next month and I don't know what to do...I want to make it special for him, but also respect the deep grief that will come with it; his first birthday without his father who would have turned 49 just a few days after his son's 12th.
This all hits so close to home because our friend died of a brain tumor (again less than a week after diagnosis - I can't imagine being a week away from losing my husband, but a single second or freak accident could change our family FOREVER which is terrifying), another friend lost a friend from a brain tumor yesterday (young; two kids - 12 and 10), and I finished reading a memoir this week about a 2 year old who died from a brain tumor.
Life is so, so fragile.
I am now living in fear of a brain tumor. The things you can't control, huh?
DeleteI am so sorry your community is going through so many hard times and I'm happy you have been able to step up to provide comfort and assistance while your friend grieves.
Oh, NGS--This is truly difficult. You're so right that it only takes a moment for things to change forever. I have no wisdom here... sometimes these situations feel paralyzing for me... But I've learned that something... anything... is better than doing nothing at all.
ReplyDeleteYes, I think I'd regret most if I didn't do anything. I think I'll make muffins or cookies tomorrow and take them over there with a note letting her know we're here if she needs things like garbage taken out, etc.
DeleteUgh, so many sad things in this post. My greatest wish is that I will never have to attend the funeral of either of my children. My poor MIL buried 2 of her 3 sons. Their first child died just shy of age 2 due to a head injury he sustained in an accident at daycare. His name was Paul, so that is one of the Pauls our Paul is named after (we asked my MIL for permission of course and said we could use Paul as a middle name but she loved that his name would live on). She then buried her 2nd son when he died in 2020 at age 40, I think. Or 41. Bottom line - very young. That poor family. My heart hurts for them, and the peers of the child. I went to a funeral for someone in the class below me when I was in HS. It's terribly sad. I've also been to 3 funerals of premature babies and gosh those are heart breaking, too. Gah. I'm so sad thinking about all of this but it's a good reminder to hug my kiddos extra tight.
ReplyDeleteI think food and company are good things to offer. Well, offer the company and just drop off food. I know it's tricky to know what they can/can't have but there are caretakers that might appreciate a muffin to snack or something like that. But yes, that is not a non-chalant thing to comment on!
Oh, your poor MIL. It's so hard when you outlive your children. I can't imagine how devasting it must be. Hugs to all of you!
DeleteOh my goodness! I love how worried you are about what to do. Maybe just offer to read and sit with her so she's not alone? When you're not feeling well, having another human in the other room is a wonderful thing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, over the last month, I've been thinking about two things I really wish others could do for me during Mike's convalescence: get me a house cleaner and order me food. So maybe look into either of those in some capacity.
Hmmm...I think it's going to be food!
DeleteShe might be being cared for if there seems to always be someone there. Why not just take flowers and then see what her needs are during your visit?
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of flowers - they aren't useful, people have allergies, and they end up causing more work because they die. LOL. I really can't get behind cut flowers. I will probably take some muffins or cookies over there this week, though.
Deletei also find it unbearably sad when a young person dies. I mean, I have kids- I can't imagine how people manage to go on with their lives after losing a child. For your neighbor- how close are you? Are you close enough so a visit wouldn't feel awkward? I would send some food and a note, and go from there.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to just bake some goodies, wrap them up and put them on her porch, and send a text. We're not close, but I feel like she should know that I'm just next door if she needs anything!
DeleteIt can be so hard to know what to do for people in that sort of situation. I will say, from the other side with Mom's health/injury problems, that so many people have said to let them know if they can do anything, but the friend who brought muffins and the neighbor who brought a quiche are going to be remembered for those much longer! I know the offers are sincere, but I'm not going to be racking my brains for what people can do, I've got enough on my to-do list already. Someone bring me dinner!
ReplyDeleteLOL. Maybe I'll bring her some soup instead of muffins. Or maybe both! Just do it and she can freeze it if she doesn't want it right away.
DeleteOh Engie, that is heart-breaking x2. You're so right - things can change in a heartbeat and we never know who's going to be next. I am sorry about the young person that died and so very sorry about your neighbor. I don't know how well you know her, but I think going over with some muffins is not wrong and you could ask how you could be of help?! Depending on how her recovery goes, you might offer help a little later when the initial wave of helpers subsides?
ReplyDeleteI do think I'm going to be a person who she relies on a bit, especially once the snow starts coming down. I wish I could do more, but hopefully she'll be back at her regular level of activity soon.
DeleteDeath is so very sad, final and hard to grasp especially when it is a young person. I'm sorry for the family.
ReplyDeleteMaybe flowers and a card offering your time/services for her? I hope she makes a full recovery.
I think she is going to be fine. It sounds like it was very scary, but she has a good prognosis!
DeleteUgh, I am ALWAYS thinking about these crazy freak accidents happening. The bad thing DOES happen to people, and I'm constantly anxiety-spiraling about it happening to the people I love. I'm sorry your community is dealing with this. It's so unfair.
ReplyDeleteI always love a gift card during stuff like this. I know it was super helpful when my friend was dealing with her daughter's cancer diagnosis - she got a lot of Ubereats/Door Dash/etc gift cards, which were helpful to not have to worry about food. Or if you want a nice gift, maybe something that's good for recovery, like a cozy blanket, socks, a nice water cup? IDK, I am not great at things like this, lol.
Ugh, I'm sorry to hear that this is part of your anxiety. I guess while I acknowledge that there's slight risk to just about everything we do, I have managed to compartmentalize that and place it in the back of my head. Hugs to you and thoughts for your family.
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