Winter Olympics 2018 Notes #2

1) Ester Ledecka is my new hero.  She unexpectedly won a gold medal in her secondary sport of skiing in the super-G race and then won a gold in her specialty, parallel giant slalom snowboarding. I think I might not remember much from these games, but I will forever remember her face when she was staring at the scoreboard in disbelief when she won the super-G.  She was so charming in the interviews and she seems like a genuinely nice person.

2) Maia and Alex Shibutani took the bronze medal in ice dancing. I think it's great that a sibling pair did so. I'm also vaguely creeped out by it. I don't have a brother and I'm not particularly close to my sister, but I just can't even imagine being that close to a sibling.  I'm not judging, really, but I am incredibly puzzled.

3) I don't even know where to start with Shaun White. Like, should I be glad that he won a gold medal? I have started several posts to talk about the #metoo movement and what's going on with discussions of sexual harassment, sexual assault, regrettable sex, and gender norms, but every word I write seems trite and unoriginal and I don't really have an argument.

I mean, yes, I do.  I do have an argument.

Let me speak in generalities for a minute.

Women are socialized to be relatively passive when it comes to expressing themselves about sex. Men are socialized to be relatively aggressive.  So when women and men communicate about sex, they're often not on the same page. When "Grace" tells Aziz Ansari says maybe they can fuck "next time," she's saying "no," but he hears a challenge that if she'd put out next time, why not just give her another glass of wine and hope for tonight. Why didn't she just say "no"?  Well, maybe she was scared he'd overreact. He'd hurt her. He'd hurt her career. Maybe she actually liked him, but just didn't want vaginal intercourse that night and she didn't want to hurt her feelings.  Maybe she really thought there would be a second date.

This gap in communication is real.  No means no, of course, and most people agree on that, especially for early sexual relationships (let's put aside any role-playing stuff for later on when partners are more comfortable with each other for now), but there's a scale when people aren't saying no, but they aren't saying yes.

And who is responsible for drawing the line?

Popular culture tells us that it's the woman because the man is supposed to be the aggressor in sexual relationships. But we've spent generations telling women that it's THEIR job to make nice, be diplomatic, and not hurt people's feelings.  But suddenly these women are supposed to just, you know, "get a backbone" and talk about their feelings and desires frankly and honestly. I just...how could you think that would happen?

So Shaun White is accused of sexual harassment by the former drummer of his band and there's a settlement. There is evidence that he sent her sexually explicit texts and forced her to watch videos of a graphic nature. NBC never once mentions any of this in their comeback narrative of White (he won gold in the halfpipe in 2006 and 2010, but came in a disappointing fourth in 2014), but the story of this harassment lawsuit is percolating in the background of all other news outlets covering the Olympics.

In his news conference after winning the gold in the halfpipe to reclaim his title as Golden Warrior of the Halfpipe, someone asks him about the allegations and the settlement.

He calls it gossip.

Of course he does. Why wouldn't he?  It's his job to be the aggressor. It's her job to tell him to stop.  He's a world famous athlete who just won a gold medal and would you just get off his back about this?

Early sexual relationships are hard because communication is hard. I've been married for ten years and I still sometimes blush when I have to talk about some intimate areas with my husband.  I get it.  Affirmative consent is often criticized as being unromantic, but we really need to have open conversations with young people about how it can be romantic. "Is this okay?" "Does this feel good?" "Do you like this?" "Are you down with this?"  These are questions that demonstrate you're checking in with your partner, but gender roles can still be maintained, if that's your jam.

Anyway. Communication is hard and communication matters.

And if Shaun White comes to town, I'll know to steer clear of him. I just wish all the other men who don't have clear lines about what consent is and what consent isn't were are clearly outlined.