Why I Stay Home

The chair of my department came in to my office yesterday, closed the door, and basically started listing off all the stressors in my life before she offered to help in any way she could. While I know that there's a lot going on, it hadn't quite sunk in until that moment. There's a lot going on in my world. And, in lieu of talking about any of those stressors, I'm going to talk about how I'm coping.

I eat a lot and then I work out compulsively.

An acquaintance of mine is currently teaching her first yoga class and she offered an 8-week session at a gym in the next town over for $25.  Now, I happen to know that some people pay $25 a class for some yoga sessions, so I signed up and I've been throwing my mat in the car and going every Wednesday night (except last week when I was banned from being around people).

And last night it occurred to me why I work out at home.

I can't deal with other people.

I pull it together during work hours. I can ignore noises from my colleagues by putting on headphones and blasting white noise. During my classes, I control the level of noise.  I deal, but just barely.

During this yoga class, however, there are so many distractions. I can hear the men (always men) playing basketball in the adjoining room. Squeaking shoes, rumbling voices, groaning, occasional cheering, and the erratic bounce of the ball. I hear the woman at the front desk cheerfully (she's so happy) checking people in and out. The sound of the other people in the room breathing deeply in and out. The sound of their bones creaking and that rubbing sound that comes from the movement of people's hands sliding on their mats.  Last night I spent about 45 minutes of the 60 minute class wishing other people just weren't there.

At home, I close the blinds, I focus solely on my breathing and occasionally making sure I don't step on the cat's tail. I can focus on each stretch and notice exactly when I'm at my limit and push it just a small step further. I don't hear anything else, I don't worry about what other people might be doing, I just go inward for twenty or thirty minutes. For just a few minutes, my brain settles and I'm relaxed.

And those moments of peace are just about the only ones I have all week.  Three months from now, maybe four months from now, life will be more settled and I won't need the "drug" of oxygen and breathing exercise to bring this stillness, but for now I'm grateful that I know how to get this feeling during such a stressful time in my life.