Confessions #4 and #5

Confession #4: My Nieces and Nephews Make Me Never Want to Have a Child

We were visiting the in-laws over Easter weekend when the first thoughts really struck me. I really, really do not want that life - the screaming, the kids hyped up on sugar and thoughts of an imaginary creature delivering them presents in the morning, the snotty noses getting rubbed against your pants, the rereading of Mud Pie for Mother for the eightieth time, the six o'clock wake-ups, the look on their faces right after you tell them not to touch something for the four hundredth time and they do it anyway. 

I lost my patience on Saturday afternoon around four o'clock, three hours after the family with four kids arrived unannounced after their Easter brunch at the fucking country club, waking up the other 3 kids who had just been laid down for naps, so we were dealing with seven kids, none of whom had naps and all of whom were jacked up on chocolate and the presence of other children. I started putting whiskey in my coffee and never stopped until the kids were in bed.

I lost my patience on Sunday morning when the squealing over Easter baskets took place two stories away and I could hear it. I lost my patience on Sunday morning when the twenty-four month old who does not say any words except baby, mama, and yeah was suddenly put in my charge and he went around attempting to destroy everything in his sight. I lost my patience on Sunday morning when my oldest niece did not play nice with the Easter egg hunt and kept finding everyone else's eggs (they were color coded by child) and instead of leaving them, kept stacking them up in a pile.  By two on Sunday afternoon, I was huddled in our room upstairs, reading my Kindle, and pretending not to notice the screaming of children or the questioning of my poor husband as to where I was.

By the time we left on Sunday afternoon, I was pretty sure I am not maternally motivated. No matter how many times people say it would be different if they were my children, I'm pretty sure that it would not be. I can not deal with these children. 

Confession #5: I Am Resentful of My Sister

My sister is getting married in August. I really am happy for her, but I'm incredibly frustrated by the whole hoopla surrounding her wedding. 

My parents gave us $X for our wedding and my mother is spending $X x 4 for my sister's wedding.  My sister, who has lived with my mother (and father when he was alive) for her entire life.  My sister who has never paid a dime of rent or a dime towards the utilities to run the household.  My sister who is still currently on my mother's car insurance plan.  My sister, who, by my account, should have approximately a gazillion dollars in the bank.

And if that isn't enough, my mother is taking my sister and my sister's fiance on a trip to Ireland next month.  BB and I did not get a all-inclusive international trip when we got married.  

When my mother was here last week, I tried to subtly point out that I don't care about the inequality between what I was given and what she's been given (I even sort of mean that - our wedding was beautiful - but I sort of don't - it has come to be equated with how much more my parents prefer my sister to me), but I'm concerned about the sense of entitlement that my sister has.  My mom said my sister is fine and her fiance will continue to take care of her from her on out in the same way.

Anyway, it's nothing to me. Except for that little voice in the back of my head that tells me that this is just further proof of my mom's favoritism.  I think it's absolutely fine for parents to have favorites, but I am having difficulty believing that the favoritism should be so explicitly acted upon.  And, just to be fair, my sister claims that I am the favorite daughter, so I guess it could just be a manifestation of the grass always being greener on the other side of the fence.