My Ethos

It comes up routinely in my volunteer work.  "What would YOU do if you were me?" a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault asks, sincerely wanting an answer.  But the best I can do for them is what I consider a trite and overused "it doesn't matter because I am not you and our circumstances are different" that I frequently rehearse in the mirror so I don't make THAT FACE, that bitch face that appears without my knowledge all too often.  Because I do know what I would do.  I've been involved in this community for a long time and I have contingency plans for all kinds of horrific events in my life  and contingency plans for my contingency plans.  I try not to judge folks if they make different choices about what they will do, but, and I hate this about myself, I DO judge them.

I've been working on that judgmental side of myself.  For several years now, I've been attempting to focus on the idea that just because someone doesn't do something the way I would do it doesn't mean that they are wrong.  Everyone has different priorities and life experiences and just because mine are familiar and work for me doesn't mean that they would work for everyone.  This is what I tell myself. And sometimes it's easier than others.

Someone is road rage-y around me when I'm driving?  I try to imagine that they're in a hurry because of something super important like their husband/wife/parent/pet/child/best friend is in the hospital or they're late for an important interview.  Someone makes a life a decision that seems weird to me (marriage/divorce/jobs/moving/whatever) and I try to frame it as a decision that makes sense to them because obviously it does or they wouldn't be making those decisions, right?  Someone hates the new coat I bought (purple, knee length Lands End down coat - it's totally rad)? I really don't understand, but I'll try to somehow take your life into consideration and not get defensive about it.

But there are those other times the Judgy Me side comes out.  Why did they show up to dinner with three more people than were invited (happened at Thanksgiving - my MIL had plenty of food, but had to haul out an extra table when they arrived)?  Why did she decide to get pregnant while he was still looking for a job (it worked out because he DID get a job, but...)?  Why do people think gay marriage is a bad idea?  Why do those people leave their dog outside all day on a chain? Why did that chick on Facebook brag about getting her cat declawed (mutilated!)? (Okay, fine, I ended up giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she had no idea that she was doing something cruel.)

It is complicated. Sometime people do deserve the benefit of the doubt because they are going through something difficult.  Sometimes people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt because they are, at the core, jerks.  I try to err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt, though, because it makes for a happier me AND I hope that other folks give me the benefit of the doubt when I act like an ass.  It takes a lot less energy for me to just wave at the road rage-y person than it does to get upset and road rage-y back.

So I can see all the judgments flying out there in the universe from friends, family, and strangers when I talk about my life.  Buble is right - I feel like I'm living someone else's life - because the choices I've had to make in the last two years of my life are so foreign to me, decisions my 24-year old self would mock and question.  I wake up in the morning and wonder how I got here to a place where nothing is as I dreamed years ago, nothing is happy and safe, but everything is so perfect.  I am happier now, living in this town, broken leg and all, than I have been since college.  I don't know if you can tell that from my writing, but I am so happy.  I love my husband, my cat, and reading library book after library book.  I can't help but be defensive about my decisions because, damn it, they make sense to US, to me and to my husband, and aren't we the only ones who should care?  But, no, that's wrong, of course. Our family, our friends, and our colleagues also care.  But the judgments that come in from out of nowhere?  I want them to stop.  Don't I deserve the benefit of the doubt?  I hope so.  But if not, I want you to know that I am happy with our decisions and I am happy with our life.