Plasticity

Today was the perfect fall day here. I claim that there are a lot of good days, a solid number of great days, and one perfect fall day in the Twin Cities every year. This is that perfect day. A perfect day is that coolish, but not cold temperature, the leaves are just starting to turn, but haven't yet started raining on your head, and everyone is outside, walking, running, cycling, or coloring on the sidewalk with chalk.

For me, I think life is made up of mostly good days, a solid number of good days, and those rare perfect days. Perfect days where everything goes right. Your bus karma is perfect and you never have to run for the bus, but you don't have to wait for it, either. Your presentation goes exactly as planned without a technological or personnel glitch. You pass by a reflected surface and realize that those jeans you have on make you look ten pounds slimmer. Dinner, a brand new recipe, turns out deliciously and decadently. You run farther than you ever have before. When you flip on the television set, you see a brand new episode of Bones and when you turn it off, you go directly to bed where you fall asleep in seconds.

But then there's what's really going on right now. There's nothing wrong right now. I don't feel sick, I don't feel depressed, I just feel generally removed from life. It's like I'm watching somebody else do the things I'm doing. Dreamwalking through classes, spacing through runs and bike rides, and waking up in the morning wondering what that strange person in my body is going to do next.

The day to day struggle to eat, to shower, to work out, to do my job well, to do the things that make life possible is not a struggle because somebody else is doing it. But how come she can make everything look so effortless? She gets up at a reasonable hour and runs right away. She doesn't procrastinate and make the phone call she's been dreading. She doesn't have to take a deep breath and give herself a pep talk before she walks in because she knows she can do it.

I like her, this girl. This girl who is making my life so floaty and free right now. But I wonder when she's going to leave so the real me can take over again.