Cheater, Cheater, Where'd You Meet Her?

In college, I had a picture of Tiger Woods on the cork board above my desk, right next to the pictures of my dog and friends. (What? Don't lie. You didn't have pictures of your family, either. You had a picture of your pet(s) and that time you got all dolled up to go to the bar, put too much eye makeup on, and hit on the captain of the intermural hockey team. Admit it.)

Last year, I watched Celebrity Apprentice with Jesse James and frequently mused out loud that he seemed like such a nice young man, articulate and well spoken. Sure, he was an occasional jackass, but so I am. He seemed quiet and kind of shy, but confident, too. I could totally see why Sandra Bullock agreed to marry him. I mean, minus the tattoos and the ability to build choppers, these are descriptions of my own dear husband, right down to the occasional jackassery, like how he's being a total wet blanket on this lovely Friday afternoon, stressing about something that is days away from right now.

And then there's Tiki Barber. When Barber left football, I admired him. He knew that the longer he was in the sport, the more likely he would be to suffer a serious injury or do long-term damage to his brain. I thought it was ballsy for him to leave while he was still on the top of his game and respected the decision that he made that was best for him and his family. I love to watch football and I would be devastated in my various favorite players left the game in the way that Barber did, but at the same time, I don't know if I want to see what Brett Favre's physical condition is like in fifteen years. Barber is not the world's best sports announcer, but every time he speaks, I'm relatively impressed. He's not the most tactful person (hi! I can't really talk about tact because I have none), but he calls it as he sees it and does so in an only occasionally sporadic manner.

I guess it should come as a surprise to nobody that these men are, in fact, lying, cheating, unable to keep their penises clean, douchebags. But, somehow, I am still surprised by the innate nature of human beings. I AM surprised that they would cheat on their spouses, beautiful women all. These men are just men, I know that. I know that their celebrity probably helps them cheat (it's easier to attract the attention of women, it's easier to find the time - my husband would probably cheat if all he had to do was play golf - but instead he has to work, make dinner, fix the sink, and do the day to day minutiae that Woods can pawn off on others, and it's certainly easier to pay for the escorts when money is pouring from your sponsors), but they are just regular guys who have fame.

And regular guys cheat. So where is my surprise coming from?

It's coming from the idea that these men are more stupid than I thought. Why would you risk everything you have for a quick lay in a motel room? Why would you risk the adulation, the money, and the security that comes with a hard-earned, if not deserved, reputation? I know that you can't see inside someone's marriage or their life, but you certainly can look from the outside and realize how privileged and lucky some people are. Woods, James, and Barber have what so many others dream of (wealth, fame, family, talent, and so much more); I wonder what is going on that makes them put all of that on the line.

So that's why I listen so hard to the news stories about this topic. I don't want to hear excuses about sex addiction. I want to know more. Because I need to know. I wonder about this same thing with others who put their lives on the line for alcohol, drugs, or in at least one mystifying marriage I'm familiar with, a new jet. What is the deal? Fine. Claim sex addiction, although I will call bullshit on you. With every addiction, there's an underlying trigger. What is theirs? And how do I prevent it from every entering my family?

I'm often embarrassed at how much time I devote to celebrity news. It's demeaning. I care about so many important issues, but I still know what's going on with Justin Bieber. It's taken me far too long to acknowledge that I do this because celebrities behave how we would all behave if we had the freedom and money to do whatever the hell we wanted whenever the hell we wanted to do. And sometimes it worries me that I am one (giant) step of fame away from the atrocious actions taken by the people on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

I'll continue to be disappointed in these men because we, as regular, non-celebrity people, need to have a seed of hope that we are, actually, good at heart.