I sat by the lake, a tear falling every now and then, knowing that I am just like that Ziploc bag that is floating by in the murky water. If I were to disappear, it would be mildly inconvenient, maybe even really inconvenient, for someone, maybe even a couple of someones, but after that burst of inconvenience, that would be it. No one is sitting around right now thinking about the Ziploc bag.
I am lonely. I am scared. I am not sure how much longer I can do this.
When I think of my life, I think in used to's. I used to have friends. I used to think I was smart and capable. I used to be optimistic. I used to want a career. I used to feel important. I used to. I used to. I used to.
Now I am busy, but it's a manufactured busy, a busy that leaves me physically exhausted at night, but unable to actually list anything I've done on any given day that has made a difference.
I have been on anti-anxiety medications in the past. And perhaps I need to rethink my mental health right now because right now I feel like I can't fix any of those used tos and make them right nows.
It's a tenuous thread of emotional security I cling to. Perhaps it will strengthen over time, as I let the sting of professional failure and difficult personal decisions fade away. But right now, tonight, this thread is frayed and close to coming undone.
Tomorrow I will wake up and go to work. I will smile, I will ignore the squealing coming from my truck, I will field the angry phone calls from parents, and I will pretend that someone out there cares. I will. And someday, maybe many several somedays from now, I won't have to pretend anymore.
I'd miss you if you disappeared. And while I may not have any answers, I'm always here if you need to talk.
ReplyDeleteHi Dominique.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say I care. I'd miss you. I know only a little bit about you, but what I do know is that you are a talented writer (your prose here is very creative) and an Aunt who loves her nephews & nieces to pieces. :)
stephanie@metropolitanmama.net
I don't even know you and I'd miss you.
ReplyDeleteI swear there is something going on lately, because I've been feeling the same way and so have a lot of people I know (people who are usually preternaturally optimistic and hopeful).
I would miss you. I would miss your writing.
ReplyDeleteI've been feeling the same way, like I'm just desperately treading water, drowning in my failed career, my bad choices, my personal shortcomings. The urge to just sink away is almost overpowering sometimes.
You are not alone.
hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm in a very similar place, myself. We don't really know each other, but I'm here if you need to vent to someone who is objective.
ReplyDeleteVirtual hugs aren't very satisfying, but (((HUG)))
I'd miss you. We'd miss you. You're not a ziploc. (Add that to list of things I never thought I'd say...)
ReplyDeleteReally, though: much strength and love and comfort to you.
That last one was from me (pseudostoops)- comment form is being wonky and not logging me in.
ReplyDeleteI think most everyone must go through periods of feeling this way. I know I do!!! I hope you can find someone to share your feelings with. Maybe a local pastor, doctor, co-worker? Hope things look up soon!
ReplyDeleteoh!
ReplyDeleteI don't even know you and I'd miss you.
I'm sending strength and affection through the webs.
I know you -- or (ahem) used to know you -- and I would miss you. As far as work goes, I would wish that you take pleasure in making a difference in some young person's life, like the girl taking the preggers test. And Lord knows there is more to life than work, despite the fact we spend so much time there.
ReplyDeleteFact is, many folks would miss you and we do miss you when you don't post!
d, you have no idea the difference you make, everyday. not just at work but in every aspect of life. you are kind, caring, thoughtful and sensitive.
ReplyDeletei know you know this but we all should remind eachother.
please don't measure yourself by mainstream standards (career and all that nonsense). your life's so much bigger than that.