Thoughts At Night

I am angry. I should be the one sleeping, not him. No, not angry. Envious. His breathing is calm, rhythmic. How come he can sleep and I can't?

The light leaking in from the blinds is that eerie orange of the streetlight. Orange. Orange. Orange. What a funny sounding word. I can see his arm and the profile of his face. He's lovely.

Best not stare too long. I'll wake him up. Turn over.

It's too hot now. Kick the blankets off.

Focus on the sounds. I hear the fridge turn on with a sudden start and then the loud purr of the motor stays on. There's a ping-ping-ping sound in the radiator. That's a car driving by on the cross street. I think they have the radio on to a country station. Is that the strain of Kenny Chesn- oh, it's already gone. There's a siren in the distance.

The fridge turns off. I can hear him breathe again. I can hear my own breathing. There's the woman next door. She sometimes gets drunk and sings her baby lullabies loudly in the middle of the night. I'm not familiar with this one. Something about safety and protection. I think she loves that baby and doesn't know what to do with it. I never see or hear a man over there. I wonder if she's all alone.

Breathe. If you focus on breathing, you can fall asleep.

Inhale one, two. Exhale one, two. Inhale one, two. Exhale one, two.

Tests. Copies. Syllabus. Friend. Baby. Job. Need wine for dinner. Film. Clothes. Moving. Boxes. That kid. The sidewalk. Neighbors. Car. Gas.

Stop. Stop thinking of everything. You're making your head spin. Stop. There's nothing better for you than sleep right now. Sleep. Breathe.

Inhale one, two. What's that noise? Are those keys? Is someone trying to get into our apartment? Is our door locked and dead bolted?

He's moving. Shit, you've woken him up. No, he's still asleep. Awww...he's grabbing your hand.

I think I'll just sit here and hold his hand and hope that sleep overcomes me.

Inhale one, two. Exhale one, two. Inhale one, two. Exhale one, two. Inhale one, two. Exhale one, two. Inhale one, two. Exhale one, two.