Letters to the Universe

Dear Pandora,
Please stop playing George Strait songs on my station. I understand that, based on my musical recommendations and your oversimplified thumbs up/thumbs down rating system, I should love these songs. I agree that The Chair is kind of silly and clever and Ocean Front Property makes me giggle every damn time and I must have, in moments of weakness, given them both a thumbs up. But I must make myself clear. I do not like George Strait songs. The songs are boring, Strait has a (very pleasant) range of about six notes, and a lot of the songs have that same dated 80s sound that Clint Black and Alan Jackson songs have (just as a note to you, Pandora, please stop playing Clint Black and Alan Jackson, too - thanks!).

So, yes, Pandora, I admit it. I love me my Garth Brooks, Gary Allan, Brooks & Dunn, Loretta Lynn, John Conlee, Conway Twitty, and Barbara Mandrell. I know I've confused you by saying I even like a few Rascal Flatts songs and some poppy Carrie Underwood and my girl Taylor Swift songs. I get it. I've confused your music generator. But if you play another damn song off that Troubadour album, I may be forced to punch my laptop screen. You don't want to be responsible for that, do you?

Thanks for listening!

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Dear Pepsi,
That Sierra Mist with a splash of ruby red grapefruit? That Sierra Mist with the really bad commercial with the GIANT grapefruit pushing the lemon and lime out of the container making you think that there's more than a "splash" of grapefruit in the soda?

That Sierra Mist is freaking awesome!! Thanks for donating like a gazillion cans to my husband's part-time job. Once or twice a week BB brings a can of this nectar of the gods home and we split it over dinner. It's fabulous. The grapefruit is a nice supporting member. The pop (soda? soda pop? what do YOU prefer I use, Pepsi?) isn't super heavily carbonated and it's a refreshing drink.

Thanks for your awesome, gluten-free product!


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Dear Don't Forget the Lyrics,
Dude, you really freaked me out on Friday night when I flipped through the channels and when I stumbled upon you on FOX there were two twin blonde guys singing remarkably well. I have watched your show before (BTW, I could never win even a single cent on your show and I thought I knew a lot of lyrics, but clearly I do not) and I know you have a tendency to have celebrities on to win money for charity.

So these guys were on, right? And I totally thought they were Nelson!! Do you remember Nelson? It was a "band" in the late 90s whose lead singers were Ricky Nelson's twin sons. They were blond!! And I really thought, for several minutes, that Nelson was on your show!! I was somewhat disappointed when I eventually realized I was wrong. For a moment I had a vision of them busting out with a chorus of (Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection.

And, yes, I LOVED that these guys had to sing 18 & Life by Skid Row. That's one of my karaoke fallback songs and I totally knew all the words, too! (Tequila in his heartbeat; his veins burned gasoline - do lyrics get any more classic than this?!) For the first time EVER on your show, I could have sung the song without Wayne Brady's help.

Thanks for your choice of blonde haired guys to make me remember my musical misadventures with Nelson,


P.S. I heart Wayne Brady. Do you think you could pass along a dinner invitation from me to him?

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Dear University of Iowa hospitals,

Don't take this the wrong way. You do what you do super well. You save lives.

But I'm really tired of sending flowers and cards your way. See, first there was the thing with the twins being born super early. They're doing pretty well, so thanks for that! Baby O opened his eyes and their mama is able to even hold Baby K for 15-20 minutes each day. They are each now above their birth weight again and the doctors are growing more and more optimistic.

But then yesterday we got a phone call that one of our cousins is in the hospital for a recurring brain tumor. She is only 27. Three years ago she had a tumor removed surgically and they told her she was going to be just fine, two years ago she got married, and then last week a regular check up told her that she wasn't going to be just fine. On July 19 she will be undergoing another surgery. The family grapevine says that the doctors aren't particularly optimistic about her chances of living through the surgery.

I gotta say, U of I hospitals, I know that you are the best place for her. I know, deep in my heart, that she will get through this. She is young, otherwise healthy, and strong. I want you to know that I appreciate you and what you are currently doing for my family. But I am growing weary of the toll all of this is taking on my family.

Please take care of my loved ones,


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Dear Chicago,

Did you hear? I'm leaving tomorrow to go visit you, you fine city. I will be there on Wednesday and Thursday hanging out with my sister and then on Friday and Saturday hanging out with my bestest friend.

For four days I am going to think of nothing more stressful than picking out which restaurant my great-aunt Alice will be taking us to. For four days I am going to eat whatever I want to, whenever I want to. For four days I am going to laugh and laugh. For four days I am going to wander aimlessly around your greater metropolitan area.

The weather is supposed to be good for the next week or so in your fair city. Please, please, please make it so.

Thanks for your kind consideration in all things weather-related,