I Can't Iron Clothes Either

I don't have knife skills. Which is to say, because I never really learned how to cook, I never really learned the proper way to chop vegetables. When I watch those dumb cooking shows (dumb because they never have gluten-free recipes and this upsets me greatly, in a completely irrational matter because I know full well that Rachel Ray would waste away to nothing if she couldn't have her pasta and bread and so why should she bother catering to a girl in Minnesota who can't fucking cook anyway) I am fascinated by the smooth chopping action. Chop an onion in fifteen seconds! A potato in ten! I don't know even the basics, like which knife to use. At one point, shortly after we moved in together, the boy actually took a steak knife (?) out of my hand and replaced it with a chef's knife (?). When we went to register for wedding gifts, among one of the more stultifying moments for me came when Biker Boy wandered over to the knives at Crate and Barrel and started talking to the salesperson about angles of sharpening and number of layers of micrometals or some such nonsense.

Oh, and why am I bringing this up to you, you ask? Because today while I was chopping potatoes to make the following

Vegetable Beef Soup (GF)

1 lb ground sirloin
1 cup chopped onion
2 cans (14.5 ounces) stewed tomatoes
5 cups beef broth (Swanson’s organic is GF - so is Kitchen Basics)
1 tablespoon salt
2 carrots chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
1 russet potato, chopped
¼ teaspoon dried thyme
1 bay leaf
¼ teaspoon dried basil

Brown sirloin and onion.
Drain the grease.
Add everything else in a soup pot.
Cook until vegetables are tender (approximately 45 minutes)

(Oh, yeah, how it says thyme? Biker Boy and I have never owned thyme and this recipe is delicious without it. And, because Rachel Ray says I can make substitutions, we rarely actually get ground sirloin, but just beef tips because beef tips are cheaper. Because we are cheap. And thyme-less.)

I practically chopped the index finger of my left hand off. It was bleeding profusely, my friends. If I hadn't been so embarrassed by my lack of chopping skills, I might have called Biker Boy in the room to help me 1) take a digital picture of it for the purpose of showing you how it wouldn't stop bleeding and 2) help me put a Band Aid on it. Alas, I knew I was chopping incorrectly and it was my fault and I should not be allowed anywhere near a knife, so I put my finger in my mouth and ran to the bathroom (I can not see blood, I can not see blood, I can not see blood, I can not see blood) and attempted to put the Band Aid on one handed (I can not see blood, I can not see blood).

Then I continued chopping the damn potato and made the soup. It seems delicious. With a drop of blood.

And now I have to put on my list of things to do: watch YouTube videos that demonstrate how to chop correctly. So you don't end up having to amputate your fingers.