Went To A Party On Saturday Night!! KISS ME DEADLY!!

Oh, the fun of Sunday mornings when Saturday night has gone soooo well. I worked relatively hard on a project for school all weekend until about 5:00 last night. Then I came home, took a nap, and prepared for the fun that is the Halloween weekend to begin. First of all, I wake up from nap around 7:00. I look around the apartment. *Roommate's* light is on in her bedroom, the dining room light is on, her phone is on her bed, but *roommate* is no where to be seen. After I shower, I still can not find her. I decided to take a nap. Around 8:00 I call Biker Boy and tell him we will be late because I don't know where the fuck my *roommate* is and she's supposed to come with us. Biker Boy is quite understanding and I think a bit glad we are running late because he hasn't had time for dinner yet. Go Biker Boy!! *Roommate* comes in and tells me that she was with this Adorable Writer Guy looking for a costume. She's going as the IWW cat. I nod and tell her to hurry up and get her ass going because we're LATE. (I was wearing ORANGE fishnets!! Whee!! I bought them in JUNE just for Halloween!) We started out at a party that a couple of first years were throwing. No one likes these first years, but Biker Boy is their mentor (an actual program we have in our department) and he had told them he would go, so I was implicated in going. We had a time limit, though. Thirty minutes. That's all either one of us could take. So thirty minutes there and we took off. For the karaoke bar! Wheeeee. We sang and sang. Let's see if I can remember my songs. "He's a Rebel." I thought I knew that song. But I don't. "Bubba Shot the Jukebox," "You're So Vain," and our Physics Friend and I sang "Kiss Me Deadly." There were some group songs I was on stage for, too, including "I Touch Myself" and a rockin' version of "Living on a Prayer." Oh, the joys of it all. Biker Boy and I then went to his place. Where the after-party also was a lot, a lot, a lot of fun. Really. It was the best part of the night! Yay!!

Horizontal? I'm there!

Another tough week for me, I guess. Life has just been continously hectic. One big problem for me has been the fact that I'm exhausted all the time. All the time. I'm really tired. Chronically exhausted. The thing is that I sleep a lot at night. But I'm forever finding places to lay down and collapse during the day. I fell asleep in the student union yesterday and I actually laid down on a desk in our office and passed out and just woke up a few minutes ago. Seriously passed out. And once, last week, it was like 45 outside and the only available horizontal surface was a marble bench OUTSIDE and I laid down and slept. It was sunny and cold. This has become a problem for me because I can't get anything done because I'm trying to figure out where the nearest horizontal surface is to sleep on and then doing the actual sleeping. I'm also having an odd crisis of identity. I looked in the mirror yesterday and seriously didn't recognize myself. Contacts in, hair short, makeup done. Who the hell am I? How did I get here? And I don't know what to do about any of this anymore. I'm really confused about what's going on and where I fit in. It seems like up until about six months ago, my life still made sense to me. I was the same person I always was. But then I started doing these things - cutting my hair, getting rid of the contacts, and becoming a food freak - and now I wonder if I can return to who I was before. I liked that person. I was comfortable with her. One of my best friends from high school recently got married. Okay, I guess it's been a little over a year now. Wow. Time sure does go by. This friend used to be a bit more overweight than he is now and he used to dress pretty badly. He was the kind of guy who wore tshirts with endangered animals on them unironically and not when he was working out. He was a brilliant smartass who was a confidant of mine for a long time. Right before he got married, we were looking at pictures from high school. It was like looking at two different people. His then-fiancee said something about what a bad dresser he had been and what a geek he was. And he agreed! And I was appalled. I was offended, actually. That person he used to be WAS MY FRIEND. And this new person? I'm still undecided, actually. And when I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself, I wonder if he feels the same way. So, I've made repeated attempts to get to see a doctor, which have been unsuccessful because I am not an emergency. The chronic fatigue has to have a source. I eat a somewhat appropriate diet (at least it's balanced with the exception of meat, but I do eat nuts and cheese for protein...), I take vitamins every day, I work out five to six times aweek, and I get between seven and nine hours of sleep every night. I should not be EXHUASTED. Really. Also, finding a therapist is not proving easy either, so the crisis of identity is something I just have to wrestle with, I suppose. I like to think if I were getting enough sleep, I would not be freaking out when I was looking in the mirror. On the bright side, I seem to be able to function most of the time. Biker Boy hasn't really noticed anything, but I think it's because he's always known me to be the kind of person who just loses steam abruptly and with a quick power nap can recover. *Roommate* hasn't said much about the constant sleeping, but I guess it's more because I can hide the naps during the day. Except for the day I slept on the desk in the office. I'm pretty sure folks were talking about that. I did get an appointment at Planned Parenthood today. Yay for STD tests that take a week to get results back in. It's a precaution. Everything is normal, but I want to be absolutely sure before I start messing around with Biker Boy. If we ever do. Which, at this point, may never happen. But that's okay. Because making out on the couch is fun, too.

The Week's Over!!

Yesterday was another really long day in my world. I had to take in the 7:20 bus and didn't get to leave school until 5:00 and was busy running from one thing to another all day long. I also got in a couple hours of reading, so if I'm a busy girl today, I can probably get my reading done for the week and more of my "optional" reading that I'm doing because the DGS told us that none of us are ever going to get out of here and I'm determined that I will.

When I got home I set up a playlist of considerable length and collapsed onto the spare bed in our office. Where I slept for about fifteen minutes before my phone rang. It was Biker Boy, informing me that he was still at school, but he'd call me when he was home and we were still doing something tonight, right? Even as my first instinct was to head straight to bed for the rest of the night, I didn't say that. Of course we were going to the movies. Of course we were. And I was not going to go to bed.

But of course I did. Collapsed on to the spare bed again. When *roommate* came in about an hour later, I was still asleep. She turned the light off and the music down, though, and I promptly woke up. One of the first years was with her. He's a funny fellow. *Roommate* made him eggs and toast and then she went to make a phone call and I made him tea. And pretended my left contact wasn't lost in my eye (you really should not sleep with contacts in - they aren't lying about that).

Soon thereafter, Biker Boy called. I told him I would be over as soon as I finished my tea. We were going to see "Shaun of the Dead." I asked *roommate* and the first year if they wanted to come. They were ambivalent, which I took as a big fat no. Whatever. I asked. After finishing my tea, I fixed my makeup and put on some lip gloss and headed out to meet Biker Boy.

The movie was actually quite hilarious. We laughed and laughed. There was a line when the two main characters are discussing what they had heard on the television. "You heard the man. We're supposed to stay inside." "Fuck the man!" Yay! Fuck the man! Biker Boy and I laughed so hard. Fuck the man. I think we were the only ones who laughed, though. It's a product of our environment. But it was funny. Why didn't anyone else laugh?

Afterwards, we went back to his place and that was that. There was a bit of chaste making out, which I consider to be extremely good progress. Yay for that! Unfortunately, I was totally exhausted. The running around this week has taken its toll on me. Yes, I fell asleep. On his lap. I think that amazed him.

Anyway, much chaste cuddling and about a dozen listens of the same Elliott Smith CD later, I finally went home. Again, the warning about sleeping with contacts in is appropriate here. DON'T DO IT. Someone was driving the wrong way down the part of Lake Street that is one way. At first I had thought that I was the idiot driving the wrong way, but it turns out that I was in the right. Didn't stop me from almost getting hit head on, but a cop soon came and begin to follow the idiot car that wanted to kill me.

So great. Progress was made last night. But then this morning.

*Roommate* was cooking her lunch to take to school with her when I woke up. I ran into the bathroom because the stench was too much for me to take. She opened lots of windows and the back door and eventually I was able to leave the bathroom without gagging. Then I said, "so what's with you and the first year?" And she said, "nothing, we're just good friends. What's up with you and Biker Boy?" Except real names were substituted for descriptive phrases. No response from me. I fled to the computer room.

*Roommate* follows. "You put on lipstick for him for last night!" Shit, she is right. I did put on lip gloss and fix my makeup before I left to go to Biker Boy's. I guess I hadn't realized how transparent the whole thing was. *Roommate* and I had a heart to heart about how I don't know what's going on with Biker Boy and that we have a lot of issues to sort through. She told me that I shouldn't use her issues with Biker Boy as an excuse for not taking action on this. *sigh* I had no idea she was so pro-Biker Boy.

And there you have it. Found out by lip gloss.

Air hockey extravaganza

Things have been a bit crazy. Wednesday night I thought it would be a good idea to spend some time with Biker Boy. Indeed, we did have a good time doing absolutely nothing I would have to hide from my parents (my judge of what a “good time” should be, I suppose). As I drove home at four in the morning, I thought about how nice the City of Lakes would be if only traffic were always like that. As a bonus, I was able to turn the music up really loud and belt out Juice Newton like no one else. Juice, baby, I love you.

Thursday was an especially evil day, full of me running around, but attempting to take a nap on every available horizontal surface. It did me absolutely no good to see Biker Boy so freaking chipper and happy that I almost screamed at him for being able to get sleep when I was not able to. (I lie. I was glad to see him happy. I like to think he was in a good mood because we spent Wednesday together and I’m just going to keep on thinking that and no one can make me think any differently.) At one point, I took a nap on a table in our lounge and had *roommate* wake me up in fifteen minutes. I think she was fairly amazed that I actually fell asleep, but I don’t think she realized I had been up to four in the morning.

After school on Thursday, I rushed home to take a phone call from my ex-boyfriend who called last week and asked if he could stay with me for a day next month since he’ll be in the great City of Lakes (which he called, insultingly enough, the frozen tundra – doesn’t he know that he shouldn’t insult somewhere he’s going to be staying?) for a little bit on a layover. I was puzzled by our phone exchange since we haven’t had the best of relationships since we broke up, but I’m going to take this as his way of reaching out to me and making amends. So I ate dinner (which included some ice cream!) and got ready for my super duper experience of AIR HOCKEY TOURNAMENTS.

A friend of mine asked me to join him and some of his punk friends at an air hockey tournament at a local bar. Of course I said yes. Because who could resist? I was eliminated in the first round, but I met some intelligent people (and some people who were really, really, really stoned) and had a good time. Biker Boy had called me when I was in the bar, so I called him on the way home. We set up a date for tonight. Whoo hoo. We’re going to the movies. Tonight. It feels all strange.

So here I am. It’s eight in the morning. I’m at school (ALREADY!). A bunch of us are having breakfast with a job candidate and that starts in a few minutes. My list of things to do today includes tutoring for my part-time job of no significance, working out, job talk this afternoon, reading four journal articles, and beginning my math homework. Once I do all that, I can legitimately go home and wait for Biker Boy to tell me when we’re going to get together to go to the movies. So, I need to get busy right now and start with those journal articles!

Monday Monday how could you leave and not take me

So, yeah, Monday. It's over now. Here it is in a nutshell.

7:00 Alarm goes off. I hit snooze twice, haul ass, take shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, pack bag for a neverending day.

8:22 Leave for bus.

8:55 Settle in for a good time with my crossword for a rockin' good time in TA class.

9:55 Up to the department. Check email. Send email to my bestest friend with latest update on Biker Boy situation.

10:30 Check phone. Voice mail! From Biker Boy. Message says, "hi Dominique blekj shhh shhh blek bshhhh shhh." Huh?

10:31 Call Biker Boy. He's on the plane, I can hear them issuing boarding instructions. "Flight from Moline to Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport." He says, "oh, well, I just wanted someone to put a note on my office door that I won't be having office hours today." I say, "I can do that." He says, "they're almost over." I laugh. Biker Boy: "okay, I have to go. We're taking off." "Have a nice flight."

10:33 Sit down with essays to grade. First year walks in. "OH MY GOD. ARE YOU DATING BIKER BOY?" Door shuts. I politely remind her not to talk so loud about things like that in the department because people might think it's true. "Everyone's talking about how you left the party together. You're together, aren't you?!" ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why does everyone know my business except me?!

11:40 Frantic phone call made, related to part-time job of no particular significance.

11:47 Begin walking across the Mighty Mississip to friend Big John's.

12:04 Get to Big John's. Let the party begin. He has chicken and broccoli from the Chinese place downstairs. We dig in. His friend/neighbor, Hilarious Korean Girl, comes in. Fun ensues. We listen to classic rock. John and I become filled with glee and "Monday Monday" by the Mamas and the Papas. CCR comes on with "Have you Ever Seen the Rain?" and I start dancing. HKG can not handle this. She's laughing and laughing and laughing. White girl dancing!! How silly!! The dancing continues with a bit of "Celebration." And then when "Take it Easy" by the Eagles come on, we just chill. Totally. Until the line, "there's a girl my lord in a flat bed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me." John and I totally flip out. Absolute craziness. We love that line!! And we agree that "Woldn't it Be Nice" is the Beach Boys best stuff, although they play "Little Deuce Coupe." Elvis is discussed. We agree that this music is necessary for all our lunch dates.

1:20 Leave Big John's for gym.

1:24 Voice mail message from Big John. "Brown-Eyed Girl" chorus. I grin and sing along as I walk along. Yay for that! Folk were staring at me. Whatever.

1:30 Locker room. Blah. Workout.

2:35 Get to math building. Finish grading essays. Crazily read stuff I should have read a long time ago.

3:30 Sit through worst math class ever. I have no idea what he's talking about.

5:00 I have missed two calls during class. One is from an ex-boyfriend who I have been trying to get to call me back for MONTHS. Anyway, I call him back, but of course he's not answering.

5:03 Math library. I spend an hour looking up words in a dictionary for my insignificant part-time job.

6:00 Frantically walk around Dinkytown looking for a place to buy Skittles. Why is there no convenience store in Dinkytown? Why, God, why?

6:06 Find Hanana Convenience. Buy Skittles, Starburst, and Twizzlers. Reason will become clear soon enough.

6:15 Get to insignificant part-time job. Must teach test prep class.

8:32 Someone has called and left voice mail for me!! Yay!! But, I am teaching. I am not allowed to check voice mail. When they are quietly working, I check to see who had called, thinking it would be the aforementioned ex who I had not talked to yet, but it was BIKER BOY. We play Bingo with vocab words. Winner takes Twizzlers. Second place person takes Skittles.

9:32 Check Biker Boy's message. He says, "a friend of mine sent me an email asking why we have a two-party stystem. Care to answer? Based on that lecture you prepared not so long ago?" Ha. I call him back, while walking to bus stop. A half hour later, I have found out that he had a good time at the wedding, if a bit too much social time. His flights went well and he made it back to Latin class today. He has lots of grading to do and has to work tomorrow night and essentially we're not going to be "hanging out" anytime soon.

10:04 Hang up with Biker Boy.

10:06 Fair Lancaster Love calls. She wants the dirt on Biker Boy. I tell her he is back and that we have talked, although I haven't seen him. NOTE: It's TEN O'CLOCK. I haven't been to the department since NOON. And I haven't been home since EIGHT in the morning!!

10:10 Get to West Bank campus on bus. There's *roommate*! Getting on the same bus. I get off phone with Fair Lancaster Love.

10:44 *Roommate* and I get home after a long ass walk from the bus stop she gets off. This is not the same bus stop I use.

10:50 Check email for first time since 11 in the morning. Nothing useful.

10:55 Eat peanut butter toast and drink cup of Coke (left over from party).

Now I'm writing this and thinking about how little actually got accomplished today. But, on the bright side, I feel good about it. And tomorrow should be just as frustratingly full of stuff that's not actual work.

The Party Begins When YOU Get Here

Last night we had a party. Or, rather, my *roommate* had a party and I was present for most of it. Biker Boy was kind enough to call a couple of hours into the party. It was the first time I had talked to him since the airport on Thursday night. He apparently wasn't dead in a cornfield in Iowa because of a fiery plane crash like Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper. But I digress. He was taking a break from a smoky "post-reception" party at a sports bar. It all sounded a bit strange to me. But I completely appreciate that he snuck out of the party "to put his camera in the car" to call me. He was in an accident on his bike a couple of weeks ago. He got "doored," which is a term meanign he was biking along, la, la, la, biking, biking, la, la, when *BOOM*, someone opened a car door right as he was biking by and he flew off the bike. Anyway, he is okay. For someone who is insane. His family heard about this and I guess assumed he was hurt worse than he was. So he was discussing how had he known that he would have played it up and come in with a sling on his arm and a neck brace. I enjoyed the thought. He did as well. He said he wasn't sure anyone else would and that's why he called me. *sigh* He didn't have a lot of time for this, as he was LYING about what he was doing (is he embarrassed that he wanted to make a phone call? or was it just because it was ME and he wanted to avoid questions?), so he had to go soon after that. He told me that I could stay in my room and be antisocial as long as I wanted to, though, and TELL everyone I was on the phone. He would back my story up. I told him I was contemplating just shutting the door and going to bed and seeing if anyone noticed. Ha. We were both amused. Then he went back to the party he didn't want to be at and I went back to the party I didn't want to be at. The party was pretty good. People bought lots of food and liquor. I took lots of drunk folk home. I was actually gone for most of the last part of the whole thing because I was taking people home. And that's fine. It was fun. Magenta has a little seat in the back of the cab, so I can fit three in there legally, but we had up to four. Yay for illegal transportation of drunk people!! Last thought. Someone I don't talk to often told me that I run away from things and that I'm afraid to confront my problems. If that's true, I really need to examine what's going on with my life right now. Because problems seem to be cropping up and I need to deal with them. And not run.

Top Ten List for First Years

I wrote this up for the woman I TA with. I found that every day I was giving her pearls of wisdom about the department. I wanted to avoid coming off as preachy, but some of this stuff you just have to know. Top Ten List of Things First Year Graduate Students Need to Know !) You don’t have to do all the readings. Seriously. You’ll kill yourself trying and you won’t remember what you read the next semester anyway. Do the important ones carefully, skim the rest if you must, and remember that it’s COMPLETELY OKAY. 2) Remember that you ARE NOT STUPID. No matter how you feel after that seminar, job talk, MIRC meeting, theory colloquium, or political psychology prosem, you are at one of the top programs in the country and you’re really smart are you wouldn’t be here. Furthermore, if you were in a room with a random sample of people from the general population, you would be one of the most highly educated folks there. Keep your perspective. 3) Your grades don’t matter. No one is going to ask you when you leave this place with your doctorate in hand what your GPA was when you were a grad student. 4) There’s always someone in the department to talk to about whatever problem you may have. If your boyfriend dumps you, if you feel like that certain prof hates you, if you feel like you may never make it through this semester, talk to someone. All of us have been there and we’ve all made it through. It is always better to talk to someone than to bottle up your stress and nervous energy. 5) Our grad student secretary knows everything. If you have a bureaucratic issue, go to her. She knows who to direct you to and she has a lot of experience in dealing with crazed graduate students. 6) “Normal,” non-academic types will hear that you’re a political scientist and say things like, “so do you want to be a politician?” A quick smartass retort to that is, “Do historians want to be history? Do chemists want to be chemicals? If I wanted to a politician, I’d go to law school.” 7) Sometimes it may seem like grad school is overwhelming and frustratingly difficult. But keep it in perspective. What else would you be doing? Remember the benefits, too. I like to remind myself that grad school is one of the few jobs I know where, if it’s nice outside in the middle of the day, I can go outside for a couple of hours and nap in the sun. Flexibility is a nice benefit. 8) Free parking!!! If you enter and exit on Sunday in the following facilities (except during events): Fourth Street Ramp; Twenty-First Avenue Ramp; and Gortner Avenue Ramp you get it for free!!! Sunday is a good study day in the department, too. Also if you enter AFTER 8 p.m. and exit BEFORE 8 a.m., seven days a week in the following facilities (except during events): Fourth Street Ramp; Twenty-First Avenue Ramp; and Gortner Avenue Ramp you get free parking, too!! Whoo hoo!! The Twenty-First Avenue ramp is really close to the Social Sciences Building. Use it well. 9) Go to political science events, but don’t do anything embarrassing at them. The stories will be repeated for years. 10) Relax. Grad school should be a priority in your life, but you should have other ones as well. Get a life outside of grad school (friends, ballroom dancing, music, whatever) so that when things aren’t going well at school, you always have something to fall back on to cheer you up. Relax. Breathe deep. You’ll get through it.

Trees, Leaves, and Red Handkerchiefs

Today *roommate* and I went to a state park. Because it's supposed to be peak season for fall color. Peak season in Minnesota is about three hours, so we have to take advantage of it when we can.

So state park. We get there and start up a trail. A trail that is marked difficult. Or something. *roommate* has the map. I'm declaring right here that *roommate* is in charge. Of the map. I never get to see it.

Okay, it's absolutely lovely. I kid you not. Really beautiful. I'm not going to wax too poetic over this, but the reds and yellows and light greens were wonderful. And present at this park. The sound of leaves crunching under our feet was fun and we spent a lot of time kicking up leaves and purposefully stepping down hard to hear that sweet sound. But this doesn't make for the best part of the story.

We pass a tree with a red handerchief tied to it. We make jokes about someone tying it there to find their way out. And then we pass it AGAIN. And we laugh. And we pass it AGAIN. We're stuck in a loop. A crazy, crazy, crazy loop. *roommate* can't figure out where we are on the map, let alone how to get off the loop from hell. Jokes were made about people finding us next spring because we haven't seen any living people the whole time we got on this crazy trail. Two men pass us on the trail and I go to ask them and *roommate* says, "We can't ask men." We continue on until we come across a cute couple with a marsupial baby and asked them.

So we were on the trail for about three and a half hours. Boy do my legs hurt.

Then we stopped for fresh donuts and apple cider at this apple orchard place. Great fall day.

Actual Email Exchange

My bestest friend sends this email to me early this morning that someone (oh, how I hate this phrase) that we used to know sent her. I'm not going to include the email, but it is entitled "Names of God" and culminates with these words of wisdom: "Take God`s names and work them deeply into the fabric of your life. Bury God`s names deeply into your heart." Okay, the reason I say we used to know this girl is because she used to be NORMAL. She wouldn't send out an email where God was featured prominently. And she certainly wouldn't send out said email to my bestest friend who has, at best, a somewhat strained working relationship with a deity. So, my bestest friend forwards this email to me with the note, "Heidi sent this to me."

And then this follows. Seriously. One email at a time. Over a few day time span. But, still. We have too much spare time on our hands to be doing this.

Me: What the fuck?

Her: I know. I'm terrified.

Me: How do people live like that?

Her: I tried to figure that out myself. Do you think it's kind of a fad, like hula hoops or anal sex?

Me: And as potentially dangerous as anal sex? I mean, it's only done safely if you take the correct precautions...

Her: Right. And religion is exactly the same. Do you see how that works?

Me: Damn. Lock up your lube and your bibles.

Her: What do you think these priests are doing to one another? It's all a conspiracy.

Me: It's like prison with fun capes and collars.

Her: Fun capes and collars... do you suppose they fly at night?

Me: Right to the moon, Alice.

Her: Why are we so weird?

Me: Because God made us this way. Sheesh. Do I have to explain everything?Remember, take God's names and work them deeply into the fabric of your life (cotton...the fabric of your life).

Her: So I should print out the names and sew them into my shirt?

And I can't imagine that this discussion has been completed just yet. I imagine that one email at a time we will try to deconstruct what happened to Heidi in the three years since we've been around to see her descent into the reaches of the religious right.

Raccoons are just rats with a cuter outfit!

Tough weekend for the most part. I did a training for the sexual assault, domestic violence, and stalking prevention program on campus. I’ve kind of let my interest in some of these activities slide a bit in the past couple of years, but this was enough to rekindle my anger in these issues. Anyway, it was tough to get through. I wonder to myself how I made it through when I was working at a job where I dealt with this stuff day in and day out, for well over forty hours a week. *Roommate* says it must be that I’m tougher than I think. Anyway, but there was an enjoyable event that did occur. Saturday night I went to a polisci party that I felt obligated to attend. Anyway, I had to be at school early again on Sunday, so I pooped out and left the party early. My friend Biker Boy said he would walk me home since *roommate* was busy getting drunk and didn’t want to leave the party. So we’re walking down a fairly major street in the great City of Lakes. And I hear a rustle coming from a tree next to the sidewalk. I look over and see this cute little raccoon face staring at me, at EYE LEVEL. I squeal like a little girl, grab Biker Boy’s arm, and run far away from the raccoon. All I can think about is how mean raccoons are. Biker Boy glances over, sees the raccoon and says, “hey, I think there’re two of them.” Sure enough, when I look back, there are TWO raccoons staring at us. I scream again. And run. And Biker Boy laughs. And laughs. And as soon as I turn the corner I begin to laugh and laugh and laugh. Getting the shit scared out of you is apparently a good thing. The laughter was cathartic. And I need that. And now Biker Boy is getting a stuffed raccoon for Christmas.