Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Horizontal? I'm there!

Another tough week for me, I guess. Life has just been continously hectic.

One big problem for me has been the fact that I'm exhausted all the time. All the time.
I'm really tired. Chronically exhausted. The thing is that I sleep a lot at night. But I'm forever finding places to lay down and collapse during the day. I fell asleep in the student union yesterday and I actually laid down on a desk in our office and passed out and just woke up a few minutes ago. Seriously passed out. And once, last week, it was like 45 outside and the only available horizontal surface was a marble bench OUTSIDE and I laid down and slept. It was sunny and cold. This has become a problem for me because I can't get anything done because I'm trying to figure out where the nearest horizontal surface is to sleep on and then doing the actual sleeping.

I'm also having an odd crisis of identity. I looked in the mirror yesterday and seriously didn't recognize myself. Contacts in, hair short, makeup done. Who the hell am I? How did I get here? And I don't know what to do about any of this anymore. I'm really confused about what's going on and where I fit in. It seems like up until about six months ago, my life still made sense to me. I was the same person I always was. But then I started doing these things - cutting my hair, getting rid of the contacts, and becoming a food freak - and now I wonder if I can return to who I was before. I liked that person. I was comfortable with her.

One of my best friends from high school recently got married. Okay, I guess it's been a little over a year now. Wow. Time sure does go by. This friend used to be a bit more overweight than he is now and he used to dress pretty badly. He was the kind of guy who wore tshirts with endangered animals on them unironically and not when he was working out. He was a brilliant smartass who was a confidant of mine for a long time. Right before he got married, we were looking at pictures from high school. It was like looking at two different people. His then-fiancee said something about what a bad dresser he had been and what a geek he was. And he agreed! And I was appalled. I was offended, actually. That person he used to be WAS MY FRIEND. And this new person? I'm still undecided, actually. And when I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself, I wonder if he feels the same way.

So, I've made repeated attempts to get to see a doctor, which have been unsuccessful because I am not an emergency. The chronic fatigue has to have a source. I eat a somewhat appropriate diet (at least it's balanced with the exception of meat, but I do eat nuts and cheese for protein...), I take vitamins every day, I work out five to six times aweek, and I get between seven and nine hours of sleep every night. I should not be EXHUASTED. Really. Also, finding a therapist is not proving easy either, so the crisis of identity is something I just have to wrestle with, I suppose. I like to think if I were getting enough sleep, I would not be freaking out when I was looking in the mirror.

On the bright side, I seem to be able to function most of the time. Biker Boy hasn't really noticed anything, but I think it's because he's always known me to be the kind of person who just loses steam abruptly and with a quick power nap can recover. *Roommate* hasn't said much about the constant sleeping, but I guess it's more because I can hide the naps during the day. Except for the day I slept on the desk in the office. I'm pretty sure folks were talking about that.

I did get an appointment at Planned Parenthood today. Yay for STD tests that take a week to get results back in. It's a precaution. Everything is normal, but I want to be absolutely sure before I start messing around with Biker Boy. If we ever do. Which, at this point, may never happen. But that's okay. Because making out on the couch is fun, too.

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