Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Pale Skin, Woes of Multivitamins, and a Plea to Coca-Cola

Dear Makeup Manufacturers,

Here's the deal.  I have naturally very pale skin and I wear a lot of sunscreen.  Additionally, it is currently 12 degrees Fahrenheit (feels like 0!) here in good old Wisconsin right now and that is the warmest it has been in five days.  So, what I'm saying is that it's cold and I'm not doing a lot of outdoor activities right now.

So what I am asking you for is are shades of foundation, BB creams, and concealers that are lighter than your current options for those of us pale folks up in the north.  We could call them Albino Awesomeness or Esme's Excitement.  I promise you would make money because I would still have to get your current lightest shades, too, for when I actually do leave the house for longer than twenty seconds at a time.

Yours In Vampire Hued Skin,

Dear Vitamin Companies,

This isn't about me, really. It's about my dear husband.  So, you know he's got issues, right?  Specifically, he has issues swallowing your damn ginormous pills.  They get caught, you know, in his esophagus, and cause him incredible discomfort. This dysphagia was confirmed when my poor husband did a barium swallow and they kept making him swallow pills that were ever increasing in size when the very first pill they put down there made him choke. 

You have provided us with some options, of course. It seems there are new mini-pills.  We actually purchased these and the are still a bit too big (ha ha! way too big).  There are chewables and we would love to get those chewables! But there are two big obstacles in our way.  One, not all of the chewables offered are gluten free (for shame, vitamin manufacturers) and the ones that are gluten free do not have the essential component of copper. See, this is another thing we are worried about.  The dear man has had two blood tests in a row come back as low in copper.  We have started increasing the amount of copper in our diets with broccoli and almonds and roasted squash seeds, but there's only so much we can do in diet. In reality, we need a multivitamin with copper.

So our last, and least desirable option, is what we're going with these days.  He gets a liquid gel tab multivitamin, pokes a hole in it, squeezes out the liquid, and drinks it.  It is absolutely disgusting for him to do this, but we see no other solution.  It is essential that he take a daily multivitamin because his body is not absorbing nutrients in our foods and there's lots of research out there that says people with Celiac's are in danger of malnourishment and other fun diseases associated with vitamin and mineral deficiencies, so we'd like to cut that off at the pass.

So, how about you offer a chewable gluten free multivitamin that includes 100% of the RDA of copper? Is that too much too ask?

Yours in Multivitamin Dependence,

Dear Coca-Cola,
Look, I know we ask a lot out of you. We talk smack about how carbonated beverages* are making us fat, ruining our teeth, and sending chemicals surging through our bodies.  I don't necessarily disagree with any of that, but I love Diet Cherry Coke. I love it so much. I drink one can of DCC every day, usually with lunch or dinner.  My obsession is large.

But, see, there is something I would love more than Diet Cherry Coke. I would love Diet Caffeine Free Cherry Coke. Sometimes I worry about my caffeine levels and I really, really, really would love it if you would just take the caffeine out so I would feel no guilt over my carbonated beverage consumption.

*I would normally say "pop," but I understand that other people in this country call it "soda" or "soda pop" or "Coke" or some other variant. I want it to be clear that I am referring to your products in general.

Yours in Carbonated Beverage Solidarity,

1 comment:

  1. You need a lighter shade of foundation? Even I, the world's whitest Native American, am the next-to-lightest shade.


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