This week I'm going to write posts about things I've had on my mind but have avoided talking about here on this blog because I'm embarrassed or even slightly ashamed about them. I'm calling it The Confession Series.
In December of last year I fell on black ice and broke my lower leg and ankle severely. It's healing fine and I'll give you a full update after my one year doctor's appointment.
But I have some remaining feelings of stress regarding falling. At first I sort of joked about this, but now these anxious feelings are really starting to become an issue that changes how I do things day to day and I'm not joking about it anymore.
1. Showering stresses me out because I worry about falling in the wet. I have avoided wearing flip flops in the shower because it reminds me of some of the things I liked least about college, but I think that's what I'm going to have to do.
2. I will walk all the way around aisles of stores to avoid those slippery when wet signs. I turned around and left a store when those signs were all over the entrance.
3. Recently, we watched an episode of Chopped in which one of the cheftestants fell and I started sobbing. I didn't fall. She did.
4. I hate riding my bike. This is probably the worst for me, but I constantly worry, not about falling, but about having to stop suddenly and place weight on my left leg. I went on a few rides around town here and there, but I haven't been on my bike in weeks. I'm running out of time in the season before snow falls and I don't know if I'm going to be able do convince myself to actually go for a ride.
5. I have nightmares in which I am crawling up the stairs with my broken leg trying to get help at least once a week. I wake up soaked in sweat and freaking out.
6. I am so worried about the upcoming winter that I have agreed to and then rescinded an agreement to teach a class that would require me to travel in January. I am actually turning down work because I'm scared of weather.
This makes me feel ridiculous. Who reacts this way? I have low level anxiety about reinjuring myself all the time. There is absolutely no rational reason for any of this - I've healed well and my ankle is stronger than it was before I fell - but rationality has no place in this. Ugh.