Friday, August 08, 2008


Dear Local Grocery Store,

Look, for all of our special food needs, we don't really ask that much of you. So, could you please restock your shelves?

Here are a list of things we have not been able to get at your fine store.

1) Koepsell's popcorn (apparently you have decided to stop carrying this brand - why?!)

2) Snow peas (I was able to find a $3.50 bag of "gourmet snow peas" in the organic section, but why do I need to buy "gourmet" vegetables? just fresh ones will do for me, thanks!)

3) Craisins (this is a recurring problem and I have been forced to go to TARGET to buy Craisins)

4) Goat cheese (totally out of stock)

5) Kitchen Basics chicken stock (totally out of stock most weeks - when it is in stock, we buy in bulk, preventing the next couple from getting any)

6) Kitchen Basics beef stock (see number 6)

7) Brown rice (seriously? you don't have rice in stock)

8) Yellow bananas (why are they green all the time?)

9) Gluten-free corn flakes (you just stopped carrying these - why?)

And, furthermore, why are all your natural foods half off? We like that our beloved NutThins are half off since we eat them all the time, but we are worried you are getting ready to stop carrying them, along with the Kind bars, and BB friendly cereals. If this happens, we're going to have to break up with you and go to a different store. This would certainly not be in your best interest and it certainly wouldn't be in ours, as a different store would be farther away and have a difficult parking lot that would make me cry.

Please address these problems.



Dear Postal Carrier,
Please stop cramming our mail in our mailbox. We didn't say anything when you smashed our wedding cards. We didn't say anything when you crammed our Net Flix movie in so hard you broke the DVD. We didn't say anything when you forced birthday cards in with an American Journal of Political Science and the envelope was completely destroyed. But I will not stand by and let you destroy a perfectly good edition of Sports Illustrated with college football on the cover!! Damn you and your jamming ways!! Stop it.



Dear In A Hurry Cyclist,
I was waiting for that SUV to turn right. When you passed me and squeezed in between the SUV and me on my bike, you almost caused me to crash into that SUV. Please don't be an asshat again.


1 comment:

  1. I have come to love Amazon for non-perishable, specialty grocery items. You know- just in case your store drops the ball.


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