Wedding madness

Here's a list: 1) A good friend from high school (purple dress) 2) A not-so-good friend from high school, but how do you say no? (hideous ice blue dress) 3) Bestest friend (flowered purple dress) 4) Another good friend from high school (black dress) 5) A good friend who I met while interning in Washington, DC in college (undecided) These are the weddings I have either been in or will be in soon. Let's continue with the list. I have an older sister. Maybe someday she'll get married. I have a cousin who I'm close to. She'll probably want me in her wedding. I have another good friend from college and one from when I worked before I came to evil grad school. It's on my mind right now, because it's that time of year. I just got back from a wedding and there's another one in a month. One of my friend's just got engaged and she asked me to be her maid of honor. And I don't GET weddings. I'm more than willing to do this for my friends, but when I think about weddings, I'm super-puzzled. The bride and groom get all dressed up for this day. And look unlike they do any other day. And there's a big party. How about the big party once you've made it past that ten year hump and you're able to say, "hey, we're not divorced?" It's so hard to pretend that the thought of divorce isn't always in the back of my head. Anyway, back to me not GETTING it. It's simple, I think. Religion in a world somewhat removed from the ideas that it espouses. A time when we get together to celebrate, but what are we celebrating? A man who doesn't want to be tied down? A woman who is allowing herself to be subsumed? A couple who claims a desire for equality, but the woman still does the laundry, dishes, dusting, and mopping? A bringing together of families who will never see each other again and will be talked about over Christmas dinners in an evil way ("I can't believe they had to go Buffalo to be with Melly's family instead of here with us?")? The tears? What's going on with the people crying? What? What? I don't get it. It's like newborn babies. No, they're not atractive. They look like little aliens. How come I'm supposed to say, "awwww....how cute." No. Puppies are cute. Kitties are cute. Newborn babies are like something from outer space that we'd throw back if we found while exploring on Mars. Weddings are like that. Why do I have to act like I am so excited for these couples? I'm happy if they're happy. But do they need a wedding for that? Why can't we be happy just accepting that we're in a happy relationship? I understand the need for a commitment, but why can't we just talk privately and quietly and admit that we are in love and want to be together? What's the big deal? My bestest friend got married last summer. To a man who I never liked. I was in the wedding, but it wasn't the best experience ever. How do you toast to a man who has hit your friend? Who doesn't have a high school diploma and hasn't had a steady job in his life? Well, I talked to her briefly today and she told me that she almost kicked him out. For lots of reasons. He doesn't have a job. He just sits at home all day. They are broke. She told me he's no better than the dogs except she likes the dogs. It's sad. Why do we do this to ourselves? But her dogs are better than her husband.

Inappropriate things that may have been laughed at by me

Today my umbrella fell behind my desk and I had to get an office mate to help me get it out. Moments of levity about how many PhD candidates it takes to get an umbrella ensued.

Let's discuss things that I may have laughed at that may have been inappropriate.

#1: When I went to that wedding with Biker Boy in Iowa (I-O-WA), BB's neighbor came over to the table where I was eating. This man was very large (like my bestest friend's dad). Just big. And scary cuz I didn't know him. So the woman sitting next to me (BB's brothers fiancee, but that's irrelevant, albeit interesting) introduced me to this large, large, looming man. When this man (Mr. Kline) learns I got to the University of Minnesota, he tells this joke.

HIM: Why did the University of Iowa change from natural grass in their stadium to AstroTurf?
ME: Huh. I didn't know they did that.
HIM: (ignoring me) So the University of Minnesota cheerleaders would stop grazing on the grass.

I laughed. Kind of hard. I don't know why. Yes, it was inappropriate. Inappropriate of him to tell the joke (at a table with Ted's sister-in-law WHO IS MINNESOTAN) and inappropriate of me to laugh. But he was big. And when a big man tells you a joke, you laugh, damn it all.

#2 Sitting in my office. My office mate (coincidentally, the same fellow who helped me with the Umbrella Situation) is leaving for the gym. I tell him to have a good workout.

HIM: Gotta get through the checkpoints first.
ME: HA HA HA HA HA. HEE. HA. (falls out of chair)

See, the U is divided by the Mississippi River. Our building is on the West Bank. The gym is on the East Bank. So, get it? When you have to go from West to East Bank, you gotta go through checkpoints. Like in Palestine/Israel/Gaza Strip? VERY wrong, yes, but VERY funny.

#3 We're at BB's piano teacher's doctoral piano recital. This is a very big deal for this woman. Who happens to be Asian. And wearing a green dress. And has all this music MEMORIZED. It took me three years of marching band before I could remember the fucking national anthem.

Anyway, BB and I decide to play a game. We look around the room and try to figure out who the members of her committee are. We're REALLY big dorks, but this passes the time during a relatively boring recital. Anyway, says something like, "that woman down there, she looks likes my piano teacher. I wonder if they're sisters." HEEEE HEEE. I laugh and laugh.

See, we were a couple of the handful of white people in the room. The rest were Asians. And, yes, they are all very distinctive, but NO THEY ARE NOT. They all have dark hair and dark eyes and all the women are dressed in demure dresses with HIGH heels and all the men were wearing polos and khakis. That was funny. There were no distinguishing characteristics between those folks.

Inappropriate. I am not PC. I am evil. I know. If you show this to any Palestinians or Asians, they will want to shoot me down. I am evil.