Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Words as Weapons

There are times when you just want to give up. I have this prelim coming up in FIVE weeks that I haven't started studying for yet and my roommate decides this is the time to be a bitch. It's like life is just starting to overwhelm me. I have to come up with a working oral committee and no one in this department is interested in my work and do I really have work? What is it I do?

But I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago. I feel like this will pass. I will get through it. And when I do, I will be happier and life will seem easier.

The problem is that some of the things she says strike close to home. I end up wondering if she's right about all the horrible things she says about me. I am a difficult person. I shut down when things aren't going well. I saw avoiding discussing certain situations as avoiding confrontation. That's a good thing. She sees me as being uncommunicative and childish. That's a bad thing. I see all of this as being concerned for my friend. She was taking actions that seemed contrary to who she is a person. I was (AM) concerned for her, emotionally and physically. I see it as a good thing that I care about other people. She sees it that I don't want her to be happy and that's why I'm always criticizing her. Why don't I want her to be happy? Because I think being a friend is taking care of someone and if my friends are happy, I can't take care of them. That's a bad thing.

She was my friend. And it's hard to see what the point of all of this is. Someday will I look back and laugh at our behavior? Or will I always be sad that a friendship had to end so brutally and with so many tears and unfounded accusations? I feel right now that the words she said that I want my friends to be unhappy will be seared into my heart for the rest of my life. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget that. Maybe the point is that I will change my behavior and do what I have to do to make sure that my friends know that I want them to be happy. I do. I want everyone to be happy, to do whatever they need to be happy, be with whoever they need to be with, and live however they need to live. In her case, apparently this means that for her to be happy she needs to be away from me. Because I'm childish and difficult. Enough of that. I hope I've learned some lessons from this, but now it seems to close to the surface to figure out what that lesson is.

I can definitively say, however, that Biker Boy has been terrific through all of this and he's a wonderful boyfriend and I hope he sticks around for a long, long time.

I learned one of my friends from Michigan is having a baby boy soon!! They did an ultrasound and found out the baby's sex a couple of days ago. Yay for being able to go baby clothes shopping!!! Is there anything better than wandering around the baby section of a department store? (Okay, the answer is yes and it involves candles and condoms, but just work with me here.)

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