Friday, December 10, 2004

Whiny Letter to My Friend

This is an actual email sent to my bestest friend in the world.

Here's what's new.

1) I had a loud disagreement (read: fight) with my roommate about her boyfriend always being over. I said, "when's he going to start paying rent?" She said, "I didn't know it made you uncomfortable." I said, "I don't want to live with a man, particularly a man I barely know who doesn't make eye contact with me." She said, "you should have said this earlier before him staying here every night became institutionalized. Now he's going to be all mad about it." I said, "that's not my problem."

Anyway, the conclusion reached was that he could stay over once in a while when she gave me advance warning.

Did I ever tell you why I got a roommate? It's because I was depressed beyond all belief. I could barely get out of bed in the morning and I literally thought I was going to die. People didn't talk to me. I didn't talk to people. It was like I was invisible. I went to a therapist once (the one and only time I ever went to see her - she terrified me) and she told me that I needed a roommate so I'd be exposed to someone everyday and when I came home from school or work there would be someone there and it would be good for me. Also, a roommate would invite me to do stuff with his/her friends and I could be more properly social. So, I got a roommate. It may be the only piece of advice I actually took from this woman.

So she (my roommate, not the therapist) never comes home now. Since we had our discussion, she just doesn't come home. Fine. (We had made appointments to have lunch and roommate night, both of which she cancelled, so it's not like I didn't make an effort to keep communication alive.) I'm back at square one. I'm here at school really late because I can't go home to an empty apartment. For the first couple of days it was okay...I could read and listen to music really loud and no one said anything or bothered me. But now I'm back to where I was when I lived by myself. I convince myself that no one likes me or notices me and I'm really, really, really sad when left alone. Which is a lot.

Then I start to think about how I misjudge people. I thought she was my friend. I thought she would be there for me when I was upset or sad, but instead she doesn't notice anything and even when I point things out to her, she doesn't think it's her problem. How could I possibly misjudge someone so much? And then I decide I can't trust anyone because my judgment has been so bad. Then I am even more upset. And even more alone.

This is a huge problem in my life. Being at home makes me uncomfortable when she’s there and uncomfortable when she isn’t there, too.

2) I just spent yet another small fortune on fixing Magenta and there’s another $800 worth of work that needs to be done that I can’t afford to do right now.

3) In order to pay for these truck repairs, I have decided to teach two classes for my part-time job next semester. But I don’t really have time to do that. One of these classes is a class I’ve never taught before, so there will be a tremendous amount of prep work involved. I’m also taking a class for myself next semester and taking a written and oral prelim as well as TAing.

4) However, just so you know that my life is not all bad and that I’m not nearly as depressed as I was last year about this time, I got my hair cut today. I don’t think it’s been this short since I was seven years old. It’s true what they say. When you cut your hair short, you just can’t get it short enough.

5) Biker Boy and I are doing well. He’s had a cold this week, but I think he’s feeling a bit better. At least that is what he told me when I passed him in the hall at school today. Wednesday is date night for us and yesterday we just hung out and watched “Whose Line is it Anyway?” on his couch. We also played a game where we tried to make the most beautiful pattern on the table out of candy taffies. That was fun.

Biker Boy and I have a theory about scarcity. Scarcity makes you want something more. So we don’t see each other every night. It’s not practical and it makes us enjoy the time we have together even more. So me trooping over to his place every night when I’m in a funk isn’t an option, but he certainly knows that I’m upset about my roommate situation and he’s quite patient with me. This is definitely an improvement over the situation I was in last year.

6) I got an email from Drunken Ex Boyfriend. Apparently he doesn’t hate me after the disastrous trip to Minneapolis and he wants me to know that he’s doing okay now that we’ve cleared the air about our relationship.

In sum, I am sitting here at school, contemplating my financial woes, my roommate woes, and considering stopping at Target on the way home from school, buying a trashy romance novel, and reading it all night tonight, pretending that these woes don’t exist. As a matter of fact, I think that’s exactly what I will do. Target, trashy book, call to Biker Boy, and bed. And I won’t have to think about the fact that sometimes life throws you crap that you don’t want to deal with. Because if I ignore the crap, maybe it will go away (except for that horrible presidential election – that doesn’t go away for another four years).

I miss you, kiddo!

Love, Neurotic Grad Student

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